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I hope this is the correct forum to post, I consider my friend a close family member..
A good friend of mine nearly died of cirrhosis last September. She had a very close call. Myself and her loved ones were hoping that would have been her wake up call to quit drinking and possibly seek help.
Sadly, close to a year later of when she first fell ill with ascites, I suspect she is drinking. Sometimes when visiting she will take her purse into the bathroom with her. I know that in the past she used to hide vodka in her purse.
As of late I'm beginning to feel a tinge of resentment at times. Most recently, as in the last two months or so, she seems to be forgetful. She will not remember telling a particular story just a few days prior. Or she will forget making plans to get together, arrangements we had made only one day before. When I ask her why she didn't call to let me know she either says she was tired or not feeling well, or that she forgot.
Other times while visiting I'm fairly certain I've smelled alcohol on her breath. This is very upsetting to me and I don't know what to do. I feel like an idiot, like she is using me. That she views our time together, away from her husband, as opportunity to drink. I also regret that her husband may feel I'm contributing to and or condoning her drinking problem.
Don't get me wrong, she is a lovely person, intelligent, good-natured, and very giving of her time. I don't think she has any idea the degree to which she was suffering last summer. It was horrible to witness that ordeal. After that experience I had nightmares for about two months.
Yes I understand that alcoholism is a disease. And that if she wants to drink she is going to no matter what I or anyone else has to say. And that is her choice, I know.
I guess my question is, what should I do? Should I call her out on this behaviour or let it slide? Do I start distancing myself from her a little and not spend so much time together? - If I do this she will know somethings up and ask me what's wrong. Do I talk to her husband? I don't really feel comfortable doing that because he may go back to her with "so-and-so tells me... " and then she may feel betrayed, as if I was talking about her behind her back. Which I suppose it would be, but its because I worry about her health. Obviously I don't want to lose her. I also don't want to do anything that would cause her to drink more. It's so frustrating. Her liver is in very poor condition. She was denied acceptance on to the organ transplant list. We all put so much time and effort into her ailing health last spring and were there, bedside, when she was near death.
Yes she is a wonderful person and has been a good friend to me in many ways but at the same time I feel manipulated and used. Were were supposed to get together this evening but I find myself avoiding her calls. I've never done this. It feels awful and I will miss our weekend visit and chat. But at the same time, just the thought of seeing her carry that purse into the bathroom makes me cringe. And I'm afraid that I will finally loose my cool if I witness that again.
What comes to mind is detachment. I felt as you. The smell of Alcohol, or any drug, was only a reminder of horrible things.
Once I really believed it was a disease, I have zero control over it, no different than stopping a river, I learned to love the A, and the disease was not my concern.
Was actually very freeing. I meet A homeless people and just look and listen to who they are.
Anyone who I know is an addict it is like nothing to me. Why should it be? It is almost like a wart on someone, you know it is there, but you are looking for their heart.
It is one thing to know things and another to believe it. We all know smoking is bad for us,but until we believe it, we keep smoking. I don't smoke btw.
As for no shows etc. it is part of the disease. Her addiction comes first. Just the way it is.
What we do is decide if we choose to love them, as is, and feel comfortable with it.
I told myself it is none of my business, which it isn't. I learned that I loved my AH so much that I could choose to enjoy the time I had with him. When the disease made him not him at all I would choose to leave the room or whatever.
She deserves love like anyone else. However it is up to you if you can love her unconditionally.
We all want to be loved for ourselves and more in spite of ourselves.
Glad you are here. Hope to hear more from ya! love,debilyn
Find an al-anon meeting. They will give you much insight and support.
I would have a heart to heart talk with her husband. Surely he realizes what is going on. If you feel comfortabl enough, you might gently approach the subject with her.
Keep coming back to this message board. You will find love and support here.
__________________
Clara
------------------------------------ What don't kill you, makes you stronger!!!
I guess my question is, what should I do? Should I call her out on this behaviour or let it slide? Do I start distancing myself from her a little and not spend so much time together? - If I do this she will know somethings up and ask me what's wrong. Do I talk to her husband? I don't really feel comfortable doing that because he may go back to her with "so-and-so tells me... " and then she may feel betrayed, as if I was talking about her behind her back.
##### I think I would let her know my observations and set a boundary as to her "using you to drink away from husband"...I would not allow that in my house...Other than that, you are powerless over what SHE does, but you can say "not in my house...not in my car, not with me when we go out, etc"......I would lift her to God and , yea, maybe not have her so close because there is nothing you can do but worry.......I would not tell her husband..He probably already knows and, really, he is powerless too.....I would put a "shelf life" on how much time I spent with her and her disease...If she wants to die, there is nothing anyone can do....I don't associate with folks who refuse to help themselves.....I would maybe tell her what she is doing.....How bad it makes you feel and if she wants to kill herself with booze, you don't want to watch, however, if she decides to get into recovery, you will be there for her to cheer her on....
I am there for folks who want to help themselves...IF they are on a suicide mission??? I distance myself and tell them why I must, and that it is out of love for me and for them that I must do so....
Which I suppose it would be, but its because I worry about her health. Obviously I don't want to lose her. I also don't want to do anything that would cause her to drink more. It's so frustrating. Her liver is in very poor condition. She was denied acceptance on to the organ transplant list. We all put so much time and effort into her ailing health last spring and were there, bedside, when she was near death.
Sure, if you love her, yea, your going to worry big time...More worry from you about her then her for her.....So sad.....I would lift her to HP.....And you may have already lost her to the disease...Time to take care of you and turn her over.....as to the "drinking more"...You don't have the "power" to cause ANYone to do ANYthing without THIER say so....If she drinks more, then that is HER choice...Not your actions........active alkies , i hear, don't get liver transplants...Docs figure it is a waste, I guess.....
There are plenty of people NOT drinking on that transplant list too....
The only action you can do is lovingly turn her over....keep some sort of distance to take care of you...encourage her if she does decide to clean up her act and thats about all you can do....Its hard to "back off" from someone killing themselves....I have done that and its hard..You feel like your abandoning them, but you are not...THEY are abandoning themselves...All we are doing is Turning them over and focusing on taking care of ourselves....
Its like sickness is on one side of the steam...Health on the other...There is a bridge that takes you from one side to the other.....I got on the bridge and began my "walk" to the healthy side...Many loved ones of mine refused to walk with me on that bridge...So i kept walking....as i come nearer to the other side, yea, I turn back and try to "cheer" my loved ones to "come along...Its bright and sunny and more peaceful here"....IF they refuse, I must keep walking...Let them go...Lift them in prayer but KEEP walking to the healthy side.....It is my duty to myself to do so.....The other choice is to stop...turn around and walk back because my loved ones are there...Just give up all the hard work I have done for myself because "so and so" is my sister, friend, cousin, etc and they aren't moving with me.....Now how much sense is THAT???? to reverse my walk into better love and health and abundence just to go back where my sick ones intend on staying??? it makes NO sense.....when it is all said and done, all i got is ME and my God....Nothing else....Folks come in our lives and they leave it...That is just life..acceptance is a hard thing sometimes, but the only thing I can take care of is ME.....
