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I'm reading this Al-Anon pamphlet on Detachment. One of the last things it says is:
-Not to prevent a crisis if it is in the natural course of events.
The thing that is so hard for me to understand is, how can I not try to stop something that will ultimately affect my son and me? For instance, my husband driving drunk or losing his job - shouldn't I try to make sure none of that stuff happens?
Now that my husband is actively drinking again, my sister asked the question, "What if he drives drunk again and kills somebody? You could lose your house, everything?" And I did not have an answer for her. The only thing I said was, "I have no control over this." But it still concerns me.
I don't really know what I'm doing with this post - perhaps I'm searching for some logical answers about the reason for detachment. I get the fact that it will bring us serenity for the minor situations, but what about the major situations like I mentioned? How can we detach from that?
It is true what the phamplet said!!! Scary as that is, you CANT control...You CANNOT follow him and "monitor him".....What ever is to happen will happen, I think the pamphlet means that if he gets busted???? Let him rot in jail and face the consequences....If he loses his job??? Don't buy his cigaretts, et al...I mean let him PAY for what he does....But yea, he could get into a wreck and kill someone... I was in that situation with my mom AND my brother and I called the cops when they drove.....I turned them in.....Did it to my EX AH #1 too
That is why I left my A's....My first Ex AH would drive drinking...I refused by buy anythign major with him, and still he wrecked my car, car was in MY name..MY insurance and I told the cops he stole it w/o my knowledge.....Because HE had insurance on HIS car, HIS insurance had to cover the property he hit AND lukily we both had comp. ins. on our cars..(mine was nicer, so he took mine) , but still, it was totaled and I had to take the ins. money and buy a good used car.........After that, I made sure we did NOT EVER own anything together...He wanted to get a house with me....I said "NO".....
2nd A, I own this house I live in and 2nd A had strict rule about drinking and driving...If he drank with his pals, he would call a taxi and come home...OR sleep over and come home the next day..He was very very paranoid about that because 1 of his brothers got into real bad trouble...
In your situation, I don't think a law suit could put (in lots of states) a woman and her children in the streets..They would hammer his insurance and maybe garnishee his wages and POSSIBLY lien your house for HIS half, (state laws are different)..........Maybe you could check into his insurance or if it is co-owned and "raise up" the liability part....Check insurance liability amounts on policy and RAISE it!!!!!
ALSO, it hasn't happend yet, however, b4 the "big one" happens I wld start TODAY, looking into HOW I protect ME???? Maybe this is HP telling you to distance yourself from him and his disease....I assume the house is under both your names...Right???
If he is driving drunk, I would call the cops on him and give license # (in the quiet) and turn him in....I did that with A brother....Soon as I knew he had left the bar and was driving, I called in on him...He got busted a couple of times...Lost his license once and AFTER that, he stopped drunk driving....My own mother used to drive drunk..I would turn her in...She would get busted....She went to court and I spoke AGAINST her...I pleaded with the judge "Take license away from her b4 she kills someone".....He agreed with me and took her license away......I told her outside (she was soo peed off at me but I did not care)....I told her that if she even THINKS of driving w/o license, I am calling the cops....She quit driving all together and rode her Bicycle to the liquor store....
I don't know what to advise you and I cannot advise you, its your choice....I would start separating our money , credit cards, I would START protecting and caring for me....It would be nice if you could get him to sign off on his half of the house to protect your assets......When I married my 2nd A, We were in community prop state....I got the house in MY name, B4 we got married...Stayed in it a year at least b4 we hitched up.........I was still so coda I actually thought we had a chance of making it w/o him in recovery, but something inside of me wanted NO SHARED ASSETS with him and I am glad that i did this, because in Texas Law, this house, he can't go after me for because I bought it b4 we got married...AND had he screwed up, I would have been safe...I had the place B4 marriage...
..Maybe I would tell him that "you drive drunk??? I am calling the cops"...Maybe that will scare him off from driving...
NOW????? In recovery????? I would NOT even THINK of "yoking up" with an alkie or a narkie......Its a total "deal breaker".....If I saw anyone abusing any substance, I am gone
I know that does not help you..You are already "yoked up" with him....I think If I were you I would see a lawyer...NOW...And see what your rights are and see what you can do to protect YOU and your kid(s).......I would do it NOW.... ..
I am by myself and yea, I get lonesome for a male hug, but there are so many "sickos" out there NOT working a program AND only al-anon'ers and acoas need apply for my friendship.....but yea, there are so many unhealthy people out there, I don't even want to bother..
I look at my girl friend..She is married to a nice christian guy who does not drink or use, but he gambles.....70k credit card debt.....I think, if they split, she can beat it with the "did not apply with him for these cards ...did not use the credit cards EVER"......The house is in HER name...So I think she can beat the liability on the CC's............for me and now for her??? SEPARATE assets....
to re-cap what said?? I would see a lawyer...See where you stand......and then there is the telling him...."drive drunk..I am turning you in".....UP the liability coverage....See about getting house in YOUR name.....
Just an idea...Please use what you can and leave the rest....
-- Edited by rosielightshines on Saturday 16th of May 2009 01:01:06 PM
Your problem is one I dealt with for many years. I worried about it, came to this board with it, talked to members of my Al-Anon group about it. I knew everytime my AW was in her car she was drinking. I could not get all of the many terrible things that could happen out of my mind. I was offered many suggestions from taking the keys away to calling the police and having her picked up. I knew I had no control over the disease, yet I wanted to "fix" this problem. Taking the keys away was not an option in my case. Turning her in to the police was a suggestion from someone on this board that I have a tremendous amount of rerspect for. He told me to always do the next right thing. I thought about his statement over and over for weeks. I knew he was right because I had always tried to live my life that very way. After much thought I recluctanly decided against it. Not because it would have been hard, are cause problems. Deep in my heart I felt turning her in and having her arrested would not be the best thing I could do for her, and with all likelyhood the drinking and driving would continue. Instead I turned her over to my HP 100% about a year ago and I have never taken her back from him. I asked my HP to please make her better or make her worse that I was tired of the middle I had been living in for years. I was so close to being done that I had put the first steps of my "Plan B" in motion.
On April 15th this year she quit drinking. She did not mention her decision to me and still has'nt. I am so proud of her. I am certain she knows I know. I have thought many times during the last 30 days of her soberity that I am so glad I did not just ask my HP to make her hit bottom so she would get help. I had asked Him to "make her better or make her worse". He chose to make her better. For that I am truly grateful.
You have to continue to tell yourself that you have no control over your alcoholic. Giving my AW 100% to my HP and praying for him to make her better or make her worse was the best thing I ever did. At that point she was out of my hands, and in much better hands. Something you might want to consider, only a suggestion.
I guess the bottom line is we have to do what we feel is best for us. What ever that decision might be.
I like the suggestions here. I also hope you recognize what your sister did to you by saying what she said, however well-intentioned. When I project into the future, it's usually based on fear.
Guard your serenity. Stay in the moment.
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
I dont have a clue how u could prevent your husb from loosing his job , and as far as driving drunk answer is the same I'm sorry to say . I have several friends who have called the police hoping they would stop thier husbands and they always missed them = go figure . I understand your concern but really don't have a solution , except to suggest that hubby take a cab home from the bar and u would drive him the next day to pick up the car , picking him up would not be an option for me , having to get a child out of a warm bed to pick up daddy just doesn't sit well with me and we cannot leave them alone . Louise
