Hi all. I'm not a stranger to Al-Anon . . . and the events of this week have brought me right back to Step 1, and I'm feeling so many old, familiar, nasty, painful things and I'm doing what is absolutely the hardest thing in the world for me to do - asking for help.

My AH and I are almost divorced.  The divorce isn't finalized because of finances.  We have been living apart for 2 1/2 years, and while they've been hard years, they've brought me incredible growth that I needed.  In late April he retired from the military and had packed up his house, packed up his car, and was going to go visit some friends before he went back to where he's from.  I have a job where I'm at, the kids are in school, and there is no reason for me to go anywhere else.  Well, on the way to visit his friends, he was involved in a serious car accident.  His truck was burned beyond recognitiion, and he was lucky to be alive.  I received a phone call from the Intensive Care unit at the hospital he was taken to, and I went.  The hospital was 5 hours away and he had nobody else, and his kids needed to see that he was ok.  Well, everything he had was destroyed, including important documents that needed to be replaced, and he was in no condition to travel by any means half-way across the country.  He was released from the hospital and asked if he could stay with me for a short time until he could get things back in order and go on his way.  Out of compassion, I agreed with the stipulation that he could not drink at my home.  Period.  Well, we can guess how long that lasted. 

One night I had enough and dropped him off, drunk, with his bags packed, where he would be safe and I would be safe.  I had enough of the verbal abuse - the name-calling, threats of stopping child support, threats to my safety, etc..  Just had enough of it.  I've lived without it and didn't miss it in the slightest. My son did feel sorry for him and reminded me how it felt to have nowhere to go, and  because my son reminded me of the pain of that feeling I relented, and even at the time questioned why I was bringing this abusive person back.  It did change things for awhile - he realized I was serious and was not going to tolerate his bs.  So, he quit drinking, again, but was dry-drunk.  I knew it, saw it, and so did he.  He never has actively worked a program, but his problem not mine.

On Friday, before Mother's Day, one of my friends decided that we were going to go out so I got ready and went out.  He had been not-drinking for about a week, and I was comfortable with leaving my son, and I went out, only to receive a txt a couple of hours later that he was drunk and passed out.  Saturday was more of the same, but he was attempting to drink and drive.  The town I live in does not sell hard liquor but just up the road is another county where it can be purchased.  He ran out and wanted to get more, and I absolutely was not going to allow him to drink and drive.  I ended up calling the police before he drove - how he feels about his own life is up to him; he has no right to endanger others that are on the road.  The police came, talked to him, didn't arrest him (which I wasn't asking for - all I was asking for was help to keep him off the roads) and left.  He did tell the police that I had tried to get him in trouble with the military before blah blah blah and the police told him I was doing the right thing -  I wasn't trying to prevent him from drinking just keeping him and others safe.  After they left our daughter noticed a bruise forming on my forearm - he had pushed me while I was trying to get his keys.  Sunday he was doing the routine - drink til he passes out, get up, get hostile, pass out.  The name-calling, the threats, the whole ball of wax.  Just fabulous.  Sunday night I went to bed early, and my daughter wasn't home yet.  I was almost asleep, and I heard her come in and I then heard her voice and his voice, both raised, heard a thump, then I jumped out of bed.  They were nose to nose, and he pushed her up against the dryer.  I inserted myself between the two of them, and gave my son the code to call the police.  He did, they showed up and arrested him for assault.  So now he's in the county jail. 

He's been there since Sunday evening, which means I'm safe.  While he's been in, his car has been repo'ed, and in it was all of his paperwork he replaced, medical records, military paperwork, etc.  Even better.  Well, the thing is, I'm scared.  I know none of this is my fault - not the accident, not the fact he can't keep his finances in order therefore can't support himself, not the abuse, none of it.  His arrest was a consequence of HIS actions.  But we all know how well an alcoholic accepts their part in things that go wrong in their lives.  I'm scared that when he gets out, which I have no idea when that will be, that he's going to feel as though he has nothing to lose and that he will continue to blame me for all of it, and really do something stupid.  Since I called the police and pressed charges for his wrongdoing it's naturally my fault.  It's naturally my fault that he has to pay me child support for his children and it's my fault it doesn't leave him with much.  It's my fault that because of his arrest his finances are going to be even worse.  I'm so scared with what he's going to do when he does get out - if he stops paying child support all together, if he comes after me and really tries to hurt me, or worse.  I'm so scared because I know how he thinks.  I also know how sick he is.

It IS my part that I accepted him back to my home.  I realize that.  Shouldn't have done it I suppose, but it's too late to change it.  I acted out of compassion, and am feeling as though no good deed goes unpunished.  I feel that what progress I have made in the past 2 1/2 years not living with him was completely erased in the 2 short months he was sleeping on my couch.  I don't know which way to turn, I am struggling my way through working with the State with their crime victims program but it's not easy, and I don't know what to do next with that.  All I know is that it isn't my fault, but I will get blamed for it, and scared that I will pay a larger price than I really know.

Thanks for listening. I had to get this off my chest.  I can't get to a meeting tonight, and I'm so lost right now.