The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
A few days ago I emailed my ACOA and CAS some information that I thought would help him. It was info I found on this website.
It just made him angry and he repeated that all of our problems are my fault and that he doesn't feel "safe" with me.
It's just so hard for me to let him go - especially when I didn't do anything to hurt him except get over a medical condition and ask him to go to therapy.
I know if I was still sick he would be with me.
I'm having a hard time letting him go - especially letting go the idea that I might say or do something that will make him understand I love him and that I'm not trying to hurt him.
It just doesn't make sense - I'm almost 100 pounds less than him - I'm tiny - no one understands how he doesn't feel safe with me.
How do I keep my mind on me? Because it's just a dead end street with him.
It is my experience that feeling safe really describes an emotional condition. I understand how difficult it can be to stand our own ground. It seems our normal reaction to someone express dissatisfaction with us or saying that we have hurt them, we are quick to take the blame. I've spent so much of my life apologizing for things that really were my right. Last night I was arguing with my A abotu the way I feel and I simply couldn't stand the attempts to invalidate my feelings. As for keeping the focus on ourselves - NOT EASY. I am in a similiar boat. When I've been in the process of letting go, I've found my mind wants to focus on that which I DON'T have at that moment. SOmetimes it helps for me to acknowledge the emptiness and loss I am feeling instead of trying to carry on as though it's not there. Sometimes identifying it makes it lose its power.
(((MKN))) Hi and Welcome to MIP.....where miracles happen everyday...I know...I am one:) I could have written what you did 6mths ago. I was soooo terrified that if I didn't let EXABF know in EVERY WAY possible, all the time, that I loved him and cared for him that he'd forget. I just needed to know that I did EVERYTHING to let him know-I couldn't stand the idea that he might doubt it and walk away and it would be all MY FAULT.
Truth is that I could have said, and done X,Y,Z and it wouldn't make any difference. I finally had to give up and admit that I was powerless......I couldn't make him care like I did, nor feel what I felt. All I really could do to make myself feel better was take care of me!
You will find more and more as you read here that you have to take care of YOU and put the focus on YOU. And I HATED it when I first came here and everyone kept telling me to DETACH. How can I detach from the love of my life??? (I still struggle with detachment but am getting better) Truth is you will find that this program really does work if you work it and you can find happiness, peace and clarity in your life...
Keep coming back shelly
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
I got back to alanon at 36 & when it came time for me to focus on self, it was the most horrible, uncomfortable feeling ever, I dont think at any point in my life I did it. So it was all new -- but I was determined to stop allowing other people be at the center of MY life, I felt like I had wasted my adult years & a good deal of my childhood b/c I was always trying to be there, be supportive & help my mother. (My original codependent realtionship). Focsuing on me was awful but I was determined & kept trying to do it diligently. Early on, my mind would quickly get up & leave & start going to other thoughts... like... 'why cant so & so do this/that' or just questioning their mental health. Well, I realized as long as I was doing this, I wasn't living my life & who was I anyway to be judging their growth as a human being. Once I saw how pompous it was for me to be critcizing another, it made it clear & easy for me to have motivation to only work on me, leave others alone & to MYOB mind my own business.
Once I was able to focus on me, I had ALL of this extra time & I got very bored initially. I learned that being bored was kinda nice, I had a sense of calm and it was a RELIEF to only be keeping tabs on my program & letting my loved ones be.
Since I was focusing on me & MYOB, when someone offered some unsolicited advice, I didnt get wound up over it. I knew it was just their opinion & I detached from taking in their opinions of me. It took a LOT of practise but I am so glad I did it, I am a different person than I once was.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
When I got into recovery and hit step 4, I realized that "hey this is gonna be ALL me!!"....I was like "OMG, what if I am too screwed up??? and can't make it????"
I went into meets and boards, sponsor, and found out that I was not the "odd woman out" here....I was HOME!!! I felt so NOT alone...There were folks who went through experiences, sadly, similiar and some even worse!!!
Keeping the focus on me wasn't has hard as the surrendering part...TRUSTING in something...ANYthing.... I think I was a tad selfish...I was in sooo much pain, I could not even see another's pain....AND, to make sure I focused on recovery, I just eliminated "non close" people ....Some for good!! Some for a while....And the "for a while" folks it was hard, but I had to just explain to them that I was in a serious battle for restoration of me and I just could not be distracted....AND I had nothing in the tank anymore to give...Like I sensed that this recovery would wear me out and it did...
I nearly did not make it...I nearly quit..the pain was that bad......Having to walk through all that pain to get to the other side....I was so TIRED....Worn out!!! Barely enough energy to work and do recovery....I needed more sleep than normally I do.....It was a real experience...
Could I do it again??? NO!!!! But am I grateful I did it (recovery)????? YES!!!!
Once I got over the worst, I was like "phew!!! I am not what I want to be, yet, but thank God I am nowhere near the person I was".....
I had , too, wasted a lot of my adult years, being SICK!! Bad relationships...Drinking too much to numb the pain...Isolating...Living in fantasy....Smoking pot.....One thing I did NOT do was abuse my meds...For some reason the fear of drug addiction was so powerful that I was able to NOT "go there" but hell, I abused beer/wine.....Go figure!!!
I think my turning point in recovery was when I realized that "my will" was just NOT going to work and that there WAS someone greater than I , more powerful and more right than I, so why not, in pieces, TRY to give over stuff.....First the easy stuff...Ok, that worked, now bigger and bigger things...
in Oct '06 I lost my job of 8 years...After that it was a litany of employment/UNemployment...One job was so abusive it nearly put me in the hospital from a breakdown...Good thing I had enough recovery, but even so, the abuse was breaking me down....Talk about being put to the test on STEP 3.......I finally just had to, one day, get on my kneees and I cried and cried and told God, "I can't DO this anymore....I can't stand life like this.....TELL me what I must do to STOP these horrible unwanted lessons"....
It was "back off and turn it over...turn it over...turn it over.....TRUST in my Higher power"......So I did it!! I just MADE me take my hands off and LET GO...I had to force me to LET GO....
Life has improved a lot since....The "bad karma" has cut down...And when somthing does happen, I can more easily, after I feel the feelings first, I CAN walk away if there is nothing I can do.....Walking away is releasing me from it and it from me...Let a stronger pair of hands deal with it.......Life is better......I am more at peace.....I have more "good" days then the "bad" ones......
This program really works.....The more I give it...The more it gives to me....
I even feel a bit safer which is my BIG issue.....SAFETY and being able to TRUST......I see progress ....I see myself going in a forward direction.....
I may always have trust issues and fear issues, but the feelings do not have to run my life.....EASY does it in relationships....Let time show me if they are safe or not.....I don't rush anymore........
This is just my take on the program and keeping the focus on me......
OH YEA!!! Forgot!!! Some "non keeper" people told me (the ones who used and/or abused me) called me selfish!! I said to them "yea, I am selfish in that I am NOT gonna let you use and abuse me adn I am going to take care of me and GIVE when it is healthy......"
Instead of giving till it hurts, I am generous AFTER I check my motives as to the "why" am I giving or doing for someone....Is it to win approval?? or is it fear of rejection???? if so??? BACK OFF and THINK!!!!
Thank you all for your emails. I just got news today that's going to make it even harder for me to detach - a mutual doctor of my acoa and cas husband is worried he may be bi polar at best and at worst may be developing paranoid schizophrenia.
So I really do have to let go because I sure as hell can't fix that.
Maybe my HP could see me struggleing to detach and threw down one more hammer on my head!
I'm thankful for my husband - I love him and wish him well. But he doesn't want to see me - thinks I'm hurting him - and he doesn't feel safe. Maybe part of him forcing me to leave was to keep ME safe. And I have to be thankful that I am safe.
I just have to keep telling myself I did the best I could - and now I have to heal so that I can be ready for something good.
I learned along time ago NO UNSOLISITED ADVICE . -- You cannot help anyone who dosent want help or denies that he has a problem. Blaming you works for him at the moment and until he take responsibility for his own behavior nothing will change for him . focus on your own recovery from this relationship . and now that you are healthier it's time to LIVE .
mkn, yeah, I can totally relate. My exAH was bipolar- and I know why they call it biPOLAR because they are meaner than polar bears! LOL- but seriously, there is NOTHING WHATSOEVER any human being can do in the face of mental illness- or alcoholism! We cannot heal them or help them in any way, shape or form. I learned that, finally.
In some ancient asian buddhist traditions (I am not going to go into specifics here) there is a ritual object that is in the shape of a huge honking knife- a "chopper". Its basically for "detachment" on the spiritual realm- some imagine this knife as cutting away illusions. I really love this ancient concept. This is something human kind has been struggling with for a long long time.
You know. You can see. You are no longer in denial. Awareness, acceptance, action- hugs, J.
