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I sold my exAh's work bench yesterday, only £20 but he didnt want it and it took up room in the shed. I felt so low when it had gone, Ive spent the last few months getting rid of all the evidence of our life together, wedding album gone, wedding ring sold for scrap! Other bits and bobs that ive sold or am selling, a door we were saving for our next home together, it goes on. I felt that each thing I did was moving me away from him, reducing his impact on my life....instead I now feel like there is a gaping hole where my life was, which I have eradicated and that there is nothing to fill the hole. My life isnt better, its quieter, calmer, but I miss him more now in a low key way rather than the dramatic grief I first felt, but its still a constant and I feel as if im missing 7 years of my life now...I was so busy to start with, lots of support but now Im more sorted and getting on with life, I just feel bereft and the desire to contact him because he was my friend, someone I talked to everyday, is strong. I wont, because my pride wont let me, I know hes gone for good and hate what hes done, his behaviour when we were together, the wheel of fear that he would leave again...but i just feel so very empty. Life is not better, not yet anyway. Thanks for listening yet again. Lilly x
I can really relate to where you are at Lilly. My daughter's dad and I were married for 12 years and when it came to a close, it was at first a relief, then their was anger that he had done this to me and barginning that maybe it would work out later. Then finally depression that the good times were gone. I remeber even now, though we divorced in 2004 and I have remarried, the good times sometimes and wonder what happened to our life.
What got me through was taking life One Day at a Time, going to lots of f2f meetings, talking with my sponsor, and of course I had counseling too, because I was a mess.
You will find something to fill that gaping hole in your life and I pray it is finding yourself and don't fill it with another person just yet. That's what I did and I'm now married to a dry drunk that I have to deal with everyday.
Thank you Java for your experience, I understand that I need to find myself first, have dated a couple of times but my heart is not in it, in fact it just made me miserable. My doctor said you need at least a year before your ready to move on...im sure its different for each person, but Ive listened to his advice and there is certainly no room for anyone in my heart at present, its not even 4 months yet and Im far too raw. I can see how easy it is to replace someone with perhaps someone similar without even knowing it, looking for the things you miss...good luck Java and thank you.
OMG, can I ever relate to this. As a teen, 20 something young adult, the easiest way NOT to face or deal with my feelings of loss or rejection was to immediately replace one guy for another. I dont think it even occurred to me that I should grieve a loss or rejection. Now that I'm twice as old, I can see how simple that is.
I have to commend you for getting busy on clearing out his junk so you can move on with yourself faster, perhaps even more efficiently. When I literally, ran away from my ex-husband on a vacation -- all I had was 3 bikinis and my wedding rings. I would try to take off that band and I would become hysterical, crying. I couldn't do it. I took the diamond and had it made into a pendant and I moved the wedding band to my right hand, like I was a widow. I did NOT wish him dead (although nobody would have blamed me) I just felt like he wrecked our marriage due to his addiction & I tried more than most people would have. I wore the band on my right hand for two or three years before I could take it off happily.
In hindshight, I think what would have worked well for me was grief counseling for the loss of my marriage & all the dreams, idealisations I had for our lives together. Because doing it on my own, didnt work well and I dragged out my grieving process for eight years. Sure I had plenty of boyfriends during those years but it honestly did end up taking me that long. About a year ago, I knew I was over the abuse I suffered b/c I actually started to miss the best things about him, his musical talent and I could think of him often with positivity since then.
We can't rush relationships & we cant rush grieving them, it's a process just like program. But you most certainly can focus on you & remember the things you used to love to do and do them again. Perhaps there are things you never dared to dream about but would really like to do, now, today. Now that I'm older, I'll get a random thought that Ii never considered before & think ~ I'd enjoy that! There is so much to us to still discover, it is really nice when we can surprise ourselves. They say recovery is self-discovery.
Also, I had pets & their unconditional love. Without them, I dont think I would have healed. Having pets has helped me in so many ways, all of my life. I'd be lost without the love of animals.
All, I'm, saying is you'll get there and you deserve to be extra kind & gentle towards yourself now, you're worth it & you'll feel so much better along the way.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
((((Lily)))) When EXABF and I split, I spent the next two days gathering up EVERY thing I could find that was his or connected to us. I put a plate I had had for years with the Serenity prayer on it (had nothing to do with him but that was yet another thing that made me think of him) and even went so far as to toss in a bottle of Liquid Plummer he bought for my place on day-lol. I HAd to get the visual reminders OUT of my sight. To this day he still has his bike in my shed and his grill on my porch, and I know he will call/write one day and want those too-that day I dread but it's not today so I'm ok with it.
I can feel your sadness, and much like you I am not overwelmed with sadness and missing him as I was early on (he was my best friend above all else) but I still miss him and think about him ALOT. I just TRY as hard as I can to look down at my two feet and TRUST that they are right where they need to be.
You're doing well......I wish I had your strength when it comes to no contact and your determination in moving on. Your overall sadness and missing him will get better-at least that's what they tell me:)
Easy does it....... shelly
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
I can relate to a lot of this. My first memory of the "purging" is when my parents divorced. Mom stopped wearing her engagement ring (I only recently found out she still has it - over 40 years later). Some of dad's stuff was moved out, but much of it remained, as if he'd be back any day - which is I guess how he was thinking. But mom made subtle changes - changed the phone number, got rid of the extra phones and got one plain black dial phone with a really long cord. And she arbitrarily switched brands on certain things... brands that my dad liked, she deliberately avoided. Especially anything that had a smell, like the soap he used, etc. I remember the shop hand cleaner he had - mom searched far and wide to find a similar cleaner but a different brand. I know that was pretty obvious. Dad played his game by intruding his brands back into the house - like giving me a can of aforementioned hand cleaner to take back home with me. It's funny how when you're a kid, you can form an emotional connection to any little thing that reminds you of the parent that is no longer there, and the other parent will recognize it... and sometimes resent it. And in my childhood, I often consciously and deliberately re-introduced "dad things" to the household... "I'm going to make dinner using dad's recipe for..." etc. As if that would bring him back; it mainly served to make my mom uncomfortable.
When dad died, less than 5 years after the divorce, I thought mom's attitude might soften a bit. Those few possessions that he had when he died came back to us, and mom permitted this but probably wasn't 100% comfortable with it. But those things kept my memories of him alive. Getting out a "dad thing" and talking about it was something my brother and I did for decades, with mom excluded. I am very grateful that we had those heirlooms - especially many photos and tape recordings) because I now view my dad through very different eyes and it's like getting to know him all over again, without the judgment, disappointment, and resentment that was always attached to his name. It now seems worth it, all the years I lugged that stuff around, stored it, defended it from the trashman one more time.
It sounds like you are really suffering a loss right now. I'm sorry that it is painful - I think many of us know the emptiness, as if someone tore us apart. I do not have any words 'o wisdom but, do understand how difficult it is to lose someone who is also your best friend - life feels wrong. You're not alone.
getting rid of all the evidence of our life together, wedding album gone, wedding ring sold for scrap!
My life isnt better, its quieter, calmer, Life is not better, not yet anyway. Thanks for listening yet again. Lilly x
Hang in there!! Yea, at first it is rough...Like pulling out a bad tooth...Its decayed and you know its gotta go, but oooh it hurts for a while...Your in the dentist chair, breathing hard and bleeding when he "yanks it out" and you feel like HELL..There is this big, ugly, painful HOLE!!!
then the hole heals...And No more pain....just a space that you notice less and less...yea , once in a while I "run my tongue over the space" but I don't stay there ...Its a fleeting thing...Like the space is there, but I can chew better then could b4...
bad analogy, but I hope you can get something out of this....
I think you are very brave to be naming this. Most of the stuff I had with the ex A is in storage. I have yet to go through it. I know when I do there will be a lot of mixed emotions
