The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hello. I'm new to this board and have only been to a few al anon meetings. I know there is wisdom there, but I do get frustrated by the fact that most members do tend to be wives/significant other -as opposed to parents. There are some differences in issues and emotions that are just hard for me to ignore and overcome sometimes. My son began abusing various substances at age 13. I tried lots of things, outpatient treatment, etc. but things just continued to go from bad to worse..... At 19 we (me and my 'new' husband) helped him get set up in an RV park, with an old 1970s trailer, showed him how to budget his money (he was a dishwasher) and hoped for the best - Just to minimize the degree to which our assistance was "enabling" -and to put some distance between me and his constant intoxication (alcohol, pot, and pills). Then his restaurant closed and his dad (my ex) invited him to move across the state and work for him. The situation was very 'enabling' - free rent, first in an apt - then a large 3/2; few bills; and lots of extra money. Plus he worked alone (as a handyman) or with my ex (who is narcissistic and domineering in the extreme). My son's drug use escalated to the point where he was injecting oxycontin; begging me to come get him to help him get off of it (I did 2x) -sounding like he was crawling out of his skin; asking me to come visit him on weekends (very, VERY unusual for my son) due to the severity of his loneliness and depression. Of course I continued to urge treatment and/or AA and NA but this past October he hung himself in his closet with a belt - though he was found, rescusitated, flown to a trauma ward, and three days later became conscious. A couple of weeks in ICU, 2 more weeks in 'step down' waiting for a bed in the psych hospital, and then we managed to file a "Marchman act" to make him enter drug treatment. Four months later, he was unwilling to take their advice and enter a halfway house and he asked my parents if he could live with them and go to college or vocational school. By all appearances, based on what he said to me and his sister, he didn't view this as a "real" option -but only a launching pad till he could get into the army, merchant marines, or get a job with a guy he met in AA who said he was going to build a prison in Syria. But, my parents were willing to take the chance - and the only rule was that he had to go to daily meetings and to church with them. Other than a surprisingly ugly attitude (my son is definitely more personable 'under the influence'), and an unexpected money source recently(he got work with a family friend and my parents just let him 'pocket' the money) it seemed to go well for about a month. Then the other night he called me from Chili's (by himself) and struck me as probably under the influence. By the time I got a hold of my parents (it was their Bible study night), my sister (who picked him up from the house to take him to the meeting) and my parents had independently concluded that he was 'on something'. He was unusually talkative to my sister, wearing sunglasses at night, had gone especially out of his way all day to be 'away' (at the beach, at the gym, at Chilis), and was sitting out in the grass (with sunglasses) before the meeting was over (when my parents came to pick him up). OKAY - I'll try to get to the point (sorry)- I suggested that my parents ask him to take a drug test - Not to minimize the alcohol if it was "just" alcohol (he admits he is an alcoholic and has hep C) - but because it seemed like more than alcohol and the drugs would be testable for longer -and to make this 'slip' a big deal and to usher in a new policy - random drug and alcohol testing. I suspect this will be considered "controlling", etc. according to my limited exposure to Al Anon; And I wouldn't dream of asking a husband or boyfriend to take a drug test. But, my son, who has just turned 21, who owns no car, who is completely dependent on my parents and me....Well...I just feel that this is different. For one thing, there is no way -even if he didn't drink/drug - for him to support himself right now, so he needs our help. For another, before there are likely to be neutral/'natural' consequences for his drinking/drugging (i.e. messing up at his job or school) or Ultimate consequences - my parents throw him out- It just seems like there needs to be something in place for him to be able to demonstrate that he's willing to "come clean" (or not) -and to show him that my parents mean business. Anyway - on my advice - the Ultimatum ("take the drug test or move out") is probably happening as I am typing! I am SICK with perpetual grief over this! - Feel damned if I do and damned if I don't. But seeing him so very close to death last year makes me unwilling to look the other way If anyone feels they can explain to me how 'natural consequences' and non-control might work in this situation -without enforcing meetings and/or drug testing - I'm open (though admittedly skeptical).
-- Edited by trenchy on Wednesday 13th of May 2009 07:54:24 PM
I am so very sorry you have experienced such heartache with your son and understand, only too well the conflict you are feeling.
You and your family are doing all in your power to save your precious son. There are alanon meetins for parents of alcoholic children-if you are fortunate to have one in your town, I believe you might feel more support. If not the tools of alanon still apply. Focus on yourself, Live one day at a time, pray, and take the actions you believe are right and leave the results to HP.
I will be praying for your peace. Please keep coming back.
Betty
-- Edited by hotrod on Wednesday 13th of May 2009 10:40:53 PM
Here you will find others that share your experiences... Not all but alot... You have come to the right place for support, and I agree with Betty that you should check into meeting for parents of addicts.
Keep coming back here and sharing, and letting it out, that too will be of help to you...I can't give you advise other then to say you are at the right place to share your story for the good of you and your family...
I have learned alot here, and I have been blessed to be apart of this board with this group of people... They are here for all of us, as am I...
Keep coming back cause it works if you work it... One Day at A time :)
Love & Prayers to you and your family Friends in Recovery Jozie
Thanks to both you (hotrod) and jozie. Hmm...I will look again to see if any of our Al Anon's specify that they are for parents. Otherwise, I guess I'll just I'll just try to be patient and 'keep coming back'. Thanks again.
I am the mother of an addicted son (28) that began using drugs at the age of 17, it has been a long hard road, there is really no clear way to go. I feeling like I have just be feeling along a very long dark wall hoping to find a door to the other side. But I have learned on this journey only my AS can open that door.
You are right about being a mother and/or parent there is another dimension to this because you are the one that is suppose to protect your child, you are the one that should make things right. I have not let my AS go without food, but he has lived in terrible conditions. I thought I could make things right, but he used my love and care for him to manipulate me to get what he wanted (more drugs), it took a long time for me to see things the way they really are and not the way I wanted them to be.
Addiction of a child is the most gut wrenching thing, because it seems you go it alone, only another parent understands this. But at some point you have to know that you are not powerful enough to control this, I got so upset when someone told me this truth many years ago. I thought it was psycho-BS, and I would prove it.
I am now poorer but wiser, I have been able to detach to the point that I can have moments of peace and enjoyment, but that can be shattered when I get that past midnight phone call.
There is no one answer or way to go, I have to take it day-to-day, I take the good and I just have to live with the bad with the help of my HP.
Come back and share with us, there are some wonderful people here.
I am the mother of a 31 year old AD, and for years I attempted to control and manage her life. I begged, pleaded, lscreamed, lost much sleep, almost drove myself to the edge, and for what? Nothing.
She did as she pleased. She's a very clever girl, never been homeless more than 24 hours, has adapted quite well to numerous trips to jail, and will be the first to tell you she doesn't have a problem.
She has OD'd in front of her children, subsequently lost custody, and now has a felony record.
I finally recognized that she is an adult, and she has the right to make her own choices, poor though they may be.
I sleep well at night knowing I have turned her over to the God of my understanding, and I will no longer interfere with his plan.
__________________
"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
Welcome. Take a breath, drop those elbows. Breath.
Yes I believe being the parent of an addict is the hardest and worse scenerio. However skin cancer on a husband is the same as skin cancer on a 19 year old son. It is the same treatment.
Harder to face being a parent, we are to nurture, we feel responsible no matter their age. We could not imagine treating our pets in how we must respond to the addict in our life.
The message we get from Al Anon meetings is the same. If you can keep going, a good book is,Getting Them Sober.
btw I have a son and though he was not quite as into it as yours, he was on his way. Thank hp I had good insurance, we packed him off to survivor school for 3 weeks, changed his life. He was a nature lover in the first place,but soon as puberty came....whew. He is now a moral, a hardworker and a cool guy.
This board can support you so much.
I can tell you no matter what you do, your parents do or anyone, your son has the control.
Whether you take him in or anyone does, the disease is his own. We cannot do anything for them but love them. Period.
I mean the heart saying I love you, I know you can get through anything. No taking them in, no money to them, no giving him jobs,no setting up homes for them.
They have to feel it on their own. They have to get so down, and care enough to build themselves back up. Whether they do or not, we have zero control.
He knows what AA is, he knows when he is hungry. He knows when he is acting manipulative, sucking you all dry. For us to do anything, we are helping the disease to control him. He has to learn to take care of him.
It helps to separate our loved ones from the disease. It is the disease controlling him, making the decisions. When we make them comfortable, the disease can be played out even more. Instead of him getting himself well because the disease is making him sick,he is kept comfy and the disease has a party.
My husband would always run home to mommies. His disease knew he could use there and be comfy. He felt too guilty to do it here.
I honestly NEVER saw him take a drink when we were together. Never.
We all want to help our addict.
What worked for me was research, reading AAlanon Literature, coming here for 8+ years.
My heart goes out to you. Please keep coming back. It will help you to learn all you can, take care of YOU, and get support. love,debilyn
Until we stop doing for them what they should be doing for themselves , nothing will ever change . sound familiar ? I canno relate to what your going thru with your son , no doubt in my mind its harder to detach from a child , but I can share something that happened in this chat room several yrs ago tht blew me away. Late one nite I couldnt sleep so came to see if there was anyone in the room , a man who was idle at the time and a woman came in right after me , upset about her son , he had called and begged for money again he wanted 5000. or they were going to kill him he told his mother , he gambled and was an addict . she was torn about giving him the money , a part of her didn't believe a word he said , but still she worried , didn't know what to do . The gentle man came alive in the room and introduced himself , recovering alcoholic 20 yrs sober , he simply asked her one question . How are u going to feel if this 5000. is what he buys that last fatal drug with ? I almost fell off my chair . I had never thought of it that way before . blew me away. after he talked to her for along time , she decided to not give him the money after all . and prayed with this man , neither of us knew and left the room . I have never forgoten that little conversation that I was privy too , goodluck Louise
I understand your feelings that alanon seems mostly for spouses of alcoholics, but even for them alanon is not a "one size fits all" approach. Different things work for different people, hence the "take what you like and leave the rest" slogan.
Keep that in mind as you read what ESH I have to share. I too have a child that seemed to want to follow in Dad's addiction. Unlike many people in alanon I took a different approach to this situation than I did to my spouse. My reasoning was that unlike my spouse, my child WAS my responsibility, there are no age limits to how a mother feels. Of course there was a limit to this as well, once your child is an adult there is really little you can do to stop them from ruining their life if they are bent on doing just that.
My best ESH and what worked for me was to listen to my heart as best I could and not to what others advised me to do. If an action seemed like it would help I tried it, and I was always open to suggestions from others about what to do. But, being open to listening and taking suggestions as direct orders are two different things.
I guess what I am saying is follow your instincts.
This way if your son still continues to have serious problems you will know it won't be because you didn't try, you gave up, or followed bad advice. Sometimes a word or action at the right time can turn someone around, and it doesn't have to come from a stranger, it can come from loved ones or parents.
For me, I kept trying and didn't give up until I realized that there was no joy left in life, I couldn't sleep, and every thought was keeping this child away from their addiction. That is when I realized I went too far. I backed off and they came around and that is when I realized that all of my efforts prior to then, to help, had paid off.
Drug tests does not sound at all unreasonable to me, especially when living in someone else's home like his grandparents. Remember, some of the drugs he is using are illegal and someone has the right to find a way to NOT allow illegal activities in their own home.
I have found that STRICTLY enforcing rules in my home have gone a LONG way to help an addiction situation. That is really more about enforcing boundaries than enabling. My rule was no addictive substances are to be used in my home once my A stopped drinking (this was because I coulnd't enforce that rule wile my A drank, children despise hypocrisy or double standards). I coulnd't stop them from using OUTSIDE of my home, and I guess that got old after a while, slinking off at every opportunity, working hard to find places to indulge in, that made it less attractive to continue.
As far as responding to calls for help, that is a judgement call, your instincts will tell you when it is a play for sympathy or a real call for help. You may need to practice listening to your instincts, work on hearing your inner voice and ALWAYS follow that! Train this inner voice with information, as much as you can get your hands on, listen to the ESH of others, but always in the end listen to your heart.
I have heard that geting sober is like goign on a diet, statistics have proven that there are many false starts before everythign "clicks' and there is success. So, no matter how many relapses there are, I would never give up.
I hope you find somethign helpful in sharing my story, if you don't, remember in Alanon we "take what we like and leave the rest!".
Welcome to MIP... If I were in your shoes, I'd certainly get my hands on a copy of "Getting Your Children Sober", by Toby Rice Drews.... you can find it on her website, or through major bookstores.... I have a copy, and it's wonderful, just like all the GTS books that Toby wrote...
Just a thought...
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
quite the contrary - Al-Anon is a tried and true gathering of information and people who share their experiences.... Al-Anon doesn't "judge" actions as controlling or otherwise - it would simply reinforce what may work, and what likely will not....
I hear from your post that you are nearing the end of your rope with all of this, and I empathize greatly..... I don't, however, believe that random drug tests are of any value.... Of course he is on more than just alcohol.... your instincts are more than likely correct.... But "catching" an alcoholic drinking, or an addict using, is not accomplishing anything....
Experts like Toby can possibly provide you with some much needed support and encouragement
Take care Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Keep coming back! Welcome to MIP. At the Alanon meetings that I go to there are many parents of addicts. Listening to them I can see that having your child use is very painful. I go to AA meetings and get the other side of the story. Many who attend are court ordered. That seems to make some of them pay attention. Whereas at some point our children quit listening to us. Just a thought.
If you haven't seen it yet, try to get a copy of the alanon pamphlet "3 views of alanon". One of the "views" is a "letter from an alcoholic". Keep in mind that it really is a letter from an alcoholic, not a letter from an alanonic writing as an alcoholic. Much of it boils down to:
PLEASE don't rescue me. Every time you do, you make my failure to take care of myself permanent, and reinforce my view of myself as incompetent. Rescuing me takes away my dignity - even when I'm begging for it.
I have read and heard MANY times on this board & others & in f2f meetings that the turning point for a grown child came when a parent finally refused to continue doing for them. In other words - it's the backing off that works.
Thanks so much to everyone for your input. Some of it, I appreciate because it reminds me that I am not alone (DreamsOver) - but that there may be a point where I "sleep well at night" (Tenderheartsks); Some of it, because it reminds me to watch signs that I've 'crossed the line' to "rescuing" (Thinks too much, Louise, Debilyn); Some of it because it gives me concrete things that I can do (another book idea -thanks Tom; and confirmation of the value of sitting in on Open AA/NA meetings -despite feeling like a voyeur -thanks Nancy). And to Bythe for helping me feel really understood -and encouraged that everything's not black-n-white, and Everything's not in vain (even if some of it is) -that at least Some efforts are reasonable and may pay off . Thanks again, to everyone. I've cut and pasted all of your words for future reference - and do plan to 'keep coming back'.
If anyone feels they can explain to me how 'natural consequences' and non-control might work in this situation -without enforcing meetings and/or drug testing - I'm open (though admittedly skeptical). 
-thanks Nancy). And to Bythe for helping me feel really understood -and encouraged that everything's not black-n-white, and Everything's not in vain (even if some of it is) -that at least Some efforts are reasonable and may pay off