The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I just want to apologize, I feel like I take, take, take from this board and hardly give.
My emotions are such a roller coaster right now. I've been dealing with anxiety and panic attacks for a few months now, I lately I've been doing well (between therapy, medications, and meetings).
Yesterday, my husband and I had discussed him coming over to the condo to join us at the pool this afternoon, then all 3 of us would have dinner together, then he would stay here with our son while I go to my Wednesday night Al-Anon meeting.
Today he called me when he woke up (at 12:30) and said that he's really not in the mood to go swimming. He said he's really tired and he just wants to stay home and rest. I reminded him about my meeting, so he said that he would come over for dinner (he's picking up take-out on his way over) then he'll stay so I can go to my meeting.
After talking with him I started feel very anxious - I hate that he's being so lazy and not getting anything important accomplished. I know he's drinking because every time I talk to him on the phone he has the hiccups (and these days that's a sure sign that he's drinking).
I know I have no control over his drinking and whether or not he gets important things accomplished, but I still can't help having anxiety over it. I really hate this feeling. I want my responsible, dependable, loving husband back. I want the man I married back. I am so sick of living like this. I'm crying right now, but the crying is actually helping, so I'm gonna go with it.
Thank God I have a meeting tonight. Even if my husband doesn't show up, I'm at the point where I'll bring my son with me because I need this meeting tonight.
First... you can come here and post all you want... That is what this board is about... I also come here and vent, and cry, and cheer when it is a day worth cheerin about... I read as many as i can, but sometimes I don't have anything to offer, or give to some, so I don't... But I do read them for the ESH that they hold...So don't feel like you HAVE to do anything here, more then what you are doing...
Posting is a release for me, and helps me Heal... Somedays a Need a good cry and when that days comes I take it... I let it happen and move on...
This too Will Pass for you as well.. You just have to keep your focus, and GET TO THOSE MEETING... With or without his help... Alcoholics can be VERY Selfish.. I deal with them ALL the time... So now YOU BE SELFISH, and put yourself first.. Make the meeting, and see that You can do this...
I am glad you got meet tonight too......I am reading the need for DETACHMENT.......Let go...Let God and take care of you....Sounds like you are on the right track
As to wanting old husband back??? As long as he is drinking and not into recovery, accepting the loss is hard...Trust me, I know!!!! But soon as I focus on anyone else I lose me...Focus on me?? I got a shot at living a decent life.......I left my A 9 years ago because I wanted recovery...He did not....I did not want to watch him die from his disease........Whether you stay with him or part..............Keep the focus on YOU...YOUR needs and any young dependents you might have..........
The anxiety and panic you are feeling are normal. I am glad you have given yoursel permission to cry. It helps. I am grateful that you are on the Board sharing your ESH with us and I too enjoy coming here and sahring as it is uplifting and feels like a mini meeting.
Focus on your self, Take deep breaths and please take it one minute at a time.
Good for you for taking your child. In my experience leaving a child with a drunk father is no different than leaving it with a drunk babysitter.
Anxiety is something you can learn not to have. I used to curl up in a corner I was so uncomfortable.
When we really give our life to HP, we do not worry.We do the work we can and hp does the rest.
Worry is wasted energy. It took me years to get here. It might show its head and I immediately remember,geez give it to HP!
Will I lose my home? Will my Ah die? Will I end up in a wheel chair?
My gma taught me,"never worry,be concerned." As that means you know it will be what it is, I will change what I can and leave the rest.
Then live!
It takes changing your thinking. When that feeling came up for me,I said everything is ok everything is ok. The world may fall down around me but then right then, things are ok because I have full faith and trust in HP.
It works.
Glad you are here, venting it out helps too! love,debilyn
I so get your anxiety and that hot panic that comes over you when you take a minute to consider conversations you JUST had and their implications.
For me, my thoughts are my worst enemy at times. I can take a situation and infer an incredible amount of distorted conclusions from it, which can twist me into a worry pretzel and have my heart pounding out of my chest, my thoughts racing AND my stomach in knots. I used to think that if I wasn't looking into EVERY issue, every situation, every implication that I would MISS something and I would have wool pulled over my eyes. Today, I know this is not the case. I can stop, pray and clear my head OR I can call a program peep and ask them to help talk me through my immediate thoughts and emotions that may or may not be accurate.
You said:
I want my responsible, dependable, loving husband back. I want the man I married back.
I think we all have this idea in our heads of who we want our partners to be - either who they were before OR who we dream they can become. Alcoholism and addiction really destroy this and have left me feeling less than simply because I cannot make another change into who I want them to be. This loss is so painful.
I completely understand your anxiety about him not having things accomplished, about seeing unraveling (or what we THINK is unraveling) right before our eyes. My A no longer attends meetings with the diligence he did in early recovery. I struggle with freaking out/obsessing over this constantly.
-- Edited by RunnerChick on Thursday 14th of May 2009 09:38:14 AM
