The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
How to Develop Detachment In order to become detached from a person, place or thing, you need to:
First: Establish emotional boundaries between you and the person, place or thing with whom you have become overly enmeshed or dependent on.
Second: Take back power over your feelings from persons, places or things which in the past you have given power to affect your emotional well-being.
Third: "Hand over" to your Higher Power the persons, places and things which you would like to see changed but which you cannot change on your own.
Fourth: Make a commitment to your personal recovery and self-health by admitting to yourself and your Higher Power that there is only one person you can change and that is yourself and that for your serenity you need to let go of the "need" to fix, change, rescue or heal other persons, places and things.
Fifth: Recognize that it is "sick'' and "unhealthy'' to believe that you have the power or control enough to fix, correct, change, heal or rescue another person, place or thing if they do not want to get better nor see a need to change.
Sixth: Recognize that you need to be healthy yourself and be "squeaky clean'' and a "role model'' of health in order for another to recognize that there is something "wrong'' with them that needs changing.
Seventh: Continue to own your feelings as your responsibility and not blame others for the way you feel.
Eighth: Accept personal responsibility for your own unhealthy actions, feelings and thinking and cease looking for the persons, places or things you can blame for your unhealthiness.
Ninth: Accept that addicted fixing, rescuing, enabling are "sick'' behaviors and strive to extinguish these behaviors in your relationship to persons, places and things.
Tenth: Accept that many people, places and things in your past and current life are "irrational,'' "unhealthy'' and "toxic'' influences in your life, label them honestly for what they truly are, and stop minimizing their negative impact in your life.
Eleventh: Reduce the impact of guilt and other irrational beliefs which impede your ability to develop detachment in your life.
Twelfth: Practice "letting go'' of the need to correct, fix or make better the persons, places and things in life over which you have no control or power to change.
thanks Rosie, as an ACoA getting any detachment at all as a 36 year old adult felt HUGE when it happened. It was something I'd NEVER experienced before & it was noticeable & felt radically different. It felt like I was being freed up, it felt amazing. Once I got a lil taste of it, I was determined to get much more.
I was totally enmeshed with my mother & would do the same to boyfriends. I attached to everything & everybody -- very codie, very sick. I had denial about it too, so that took working through.
I set basic boundaries & got some detachment. I had to work to create inner boundaries -- meaning when my A's were in crisis, I could be "ok" and emotionally independent from them - that was when I first noticed what a miracle detachment was for me, it was huge.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
meaning when my A's were in crisis, I could be "ok" and emotionally independent from them - that was when I first noticed what a miracle detachment was for me, it was huge.
Thanks for sharing this Kitty and thank you Rosie for the original post re: detachment - it's good stuff!!
On the above - that is something I have experienced - that emotional independence regardless of the crises that are occuring in the lives of my loved ones. Now, I seem to have backtracked a bit with regards to detachment.
It feels WRONG not to be emotionally involved when something crazy is going on in the life of someone I love. I'm still trying to figure out how to do this detachment thing without feeling as though I'm not caring - if that makes any sense at all :)
-- Edited by RunnerChick on Thursday 14th of May 2009 09:54:22 AM
ahh, yes I totally know what you mean RC -- for me I felt like a slave, my energy would rush out of my body, I didnt have control over my thoughts or my feelings. Once I began to work on me & focus on my thoughts, minding myown buisness & only working on me -- I was gaining control over my thoughts. I wanted emotional boundaries.
I know what u mean about "it feels wrong" not to go there when your loved ones are in crisis. It is b/c it's new behavior, as I told myself logically, so that I could keep trying to do it for myself.
I can be there, be emotionally supportive when something wrong but I dont have to experience it with them. I can be OK & still be compassionate, I just dont have to go on the emotional roller coaster anymore.
__________________
Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I'm still trying to figure out how to do this detachment thing without feeling as though I'm not caring - if that makes any sense at all :)
-- Edited by RunnerChick on Thursday 14th of May 2009 09:54:22 AM
yea, I did that too...Felt BAD when I was not enmeshed....HOWEVER **detachment** does NOT mean we don't give a s***....It only means that , yea, I care, but I can only give encouragement and ESH to help them help themselves....I am co-dependent....and as a "codie" I have to WATCH......WHEN is it time for me to "back off"...."let go--Let God"???? I detach when I start feeling like I am losing me and feeling CRAZY and that "mouse on a treadmill" feeling...Then it is time for me to back off...Let them work it out.....CHEER them on, however, let them learn their OWN lessons.....If I try to fix / rescue everyone, I am implying that they are not good enough to live their OWN life...learn their OWN lessons....make their OWN journey...
I dumped my shrink because she was "telling" me what to do instead of suggestions and lettng ME make the final choice....our relationship was not healthy....I saw that she was not letting me work my life per MY comfort zone...MY needs....MY pace...et al.....seeing it on the "flip side"...made me realize "yea, that is what I did with my loved ones".....I want MY choices..So whether I like their choices or not, I gotta let them have their choices......
I hope this made sense.......GREAT points, everyone....Yea, this is a huge topic......DETACHMENT does not mean I don't care...It means I CARE enough to let them walk their own path....Write their OWn "life song" w/out my interfering in THEIR "life song" as we indians say it......
