The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
For some reason this week, that I can't wrap myself around, I am feeling quite "off". Almost like I can see myself in this huge lake, and I am swinging my arms, kicking my legs and fighting with everything I have JUST TO KEEP AFLOAT, and I am getting so worn out, and just don't feel like fighting it anymore.
I'm reading A LOT everyday, from several Al Anon books, I'm going to my f2F meetings, I'm posting, journaling......using every tool that I can think of at my disposal and in the blink of an eye it seems I can be right back to wondering WHY and HOW EXABF could possibly behave the way he has. I can go right back to struggling with not wanting to hate him or be angry with him, but it is soooooo hard sometimes and I can go from that to remembering last year this time and how UNBELIEVABLY HAPPY we were. IF he was sooo happy-HOW could he just toss it all away and walk away like that? I had thought he was the one, I was done dating, done looking and my life was complete. Now I have to go back to sqaure one in the dating world and I keep going back to square one in my recovery it seems.
I'm frustrated today, at myself for not being able to figure out WHY I just can't get him out of my head this week, and for not being solid enough in my program that I'm letting him get to me still-WHEN he isn't even around anymore...
thanks for letting me share shelly
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
Shelly, I do this too sometimes...Its a subconscious fear rearing its head in my case....I just breathe deeply and do my gratitude list and also LOADS of loving and supportive self talk....Its just the old wounded self stirring.....I get these kinda "out of the blue fears" and what I just said I do REALLY works.....
I think... every once in awhile - and not for very long durations - we can almost "overdo" our recovery & tools.... How about trying something a tad different - just for you?? For example, read a (non-recovery) book that you would enjoy..... Find something that you really want to do for you - can be as simple as a bubble bath, or something more exotic like a massage..... doesn't really matter, but spend some "quality time with Shelly", instead of trying so hard at recovery....
T
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
The disease is insidious. At one time the ex A was nice to be around. Even at times when it was bad he plateaued. Eventually he got to be terrible all the time. Detaching was what saved me and also making a focus on myself. Every day I keep very very busy.
I think... every once in awhile - and not for very long durations - we can almost "overdo" our recovery & tools.... How about trying something a tad different - just for you?? doesn't really matter, but spend some "quality time with Shelly", instead of trying so hard at recovery....
T
WOW!!!! I do that!! Like since I dropped my shrink, I am thinking..Gotta really "stomp on the boards" because I "may slip"....Like I am afraid to just BE WITH ME!!! I am going to do something nice for me today instead of being on this computer, posting on the boards.......Isn't that part of the being co-addict???? I over did relationships now its the recovery and tools......WOW!!!! I need to just "relax" and TRUST.......I needed to see this!!! I have big tendency to "over do" recovery out of fear that "well if I don't devote my entire time to it, I'll get messed up again".......NO!!! BALANCE is the word that is coming to me.........Time for BALANCE!!!
shelly ~ ur not alone on this one. Ive been around al-anon over twenty years... if I focus on my mom (for example) in a matter of minutes I can be obsessing, totally out of control, tense, serenity long gone ~ it is so easy to go back to the "old familiar tapes" that I grew up with, like a bad habit. It is old programming. I would sit & waste my time & energy wondering why me, how could this happen ~ it is all taking your focus off of simply enjoying the moments of the day.
I was so resistent, fighting hard to keep these ideas/beliefs that werent working in my life. When I came back to program 4 yrs ago, I was having to surrender many times a day consciously, to release these obsessive thoughts about the past or other people's mental health. You will never know why an A does certain things, I dont think they even know. And if they did, they wouldn't tell you honestly, they dont want to face their truths.
When you're confused &/or frustrated there is usually something about reality you're not accepting. Focus on you, now, it's what you can change & control. Why waste another day or one more ounce of energy trying to figure out why a damaged person, damages others. It's what they do, simply put.
Also this heavy emotional work is exhausting, sleeping well, eating well, so very important. I'm w/ CG on this ~ sometimes we need a break.
Dont try to understand the past, just accept it & it will be so much easier. I know I beat my head in the wall for years. All it does it prolong the pain & distract one from healing. Take what u like & leave the rest.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I know what it is like to have the constant reminder of the times past, and what that feels like.. You are beating yourself up, YOU are the one that is the hardest on yourself... Always have been.. As am I...
We all have OFF days, and this is yours... Keep up your readings, and your program.. You will get it back as you always do...
As for starting over... Well there is no rule saying you have to do any of it, Do only what You feel you are ready for... Only you can make that call...Easy Does It... One Moment at A time till you get back on your feet... You will get there...
Be easy on yourself... Keeping you in my Prayers Tonight Love ya Jozie
You're not alone - at all. I completely understand the act of giving oneself over to "the other side" aka obsessing, frantic, feeling out of control and crazy again in a matter of seconds. I have my own downward spiral of obsessive thoughts and "Relapsing" back into them, often gives them the power they need to work their way back into my mind completely. I have not been very successful as of late, at battling said thoughts BUT, I once was able to stop and take action - call my sponsor, or recite a slogan - interestingly enough their simplicity was often enough just to help slow my thoughts down. If I could take all that noise in my head and channel it into one small sentance that gives me a simple instruction (because I am completely devoid of logic in these situations and I NEED someone to tell me what to do to get out of this dark place at time) I can often calm down.
I also hear your urgency. Your need to be in a different place NOW. I had this obsession when I first came into the program about getting my hands on every bit of reading material I could - I kept cutting and pasting, printing, highlighting - I was becoming obsessed with recovery now in the sense that I thought that OVERdoing all of this would speed up the healing process. My sponsor constantly had to remind me that I was exactly where I needed to be and to TRUST THE PROCESS. These three little words have helped me so much. They remind me that what I was doing/am doing is NOT working and there IS a better way.
