The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm slowly learning how I enable my dry drunk, to control me. He does it with ease and I need to stop. I need to stop running his calendar, and doing his business for him. I do step in from time to time still. Mainly when it affects my bottom line. I'm learning NOT to do this.
It's not just my husband. I just realized tonight that I have someone whom I work contract for who I know is an alcoholic. He's always loosing things, forgets appointments, LIES, and blameshifts. Last week he asked me to quote him on a job which I did. He got the email because he replied to it and asked, "How much?" I wrote, "If you READ my email, you'd know how much" - A week has passed and tonight he emailed the entire thing again looking for help. OMG, I responded AGAIN about that I DID quote him last week and how much.
This just angered me and then I realized EXACTLY what happened after the fact.
This is someone I get jobs from time to time, so I need the money, but I just realized tonight why this man angers me so much, and why I don't trust him. He is the nicest soul and then can lie right to your face.
What is my problem?!?! Why after 4 years of working with this guy did I just realize this whole situation? The above scenario has happened dozens of times.
When we get into recovery , IF we are working their program, BOY the stuff we notice....And then we are shocked "why didn't I see this b4?? RECOVERY opens our eyes...
I know I used to be an enabler out of maybe fear for my job....fear of rejection from friend or guy I am dating.....fear of abandonment, so I would enable and they would USE...USE and USE some more..
Now I do not enable anyone that I can think of because I don't want the resentment and enabling helps neither of us
Hey!! YOU SAW IT!!! Pat yourself on the back because coming out of denial and into the truth is the biggest step.....NOW the work comes to correct the behaviour...
I think it is great that you NOTICED you were doing it and accepted it.......
Aloha IP...don't be so hard on yourself and the other imperfect people in and around you. It's okay when you get it squirrely and when others do also. It is about progress not perfection right and if you have the awareness about the difference twix enabling and helping that helps. Recovery includes regaining and learning tolerance, patience, compassion and grace. Manytimes others around me don't get it right for good reasons and I gotta allow for that.
The location where I get less tolerant is when we are up on roofs. Up there nothing is ever on the level...get it? We have to learn a different slant on things or else crash.
You'll be okay...just keep coming back. (((((hugs)))))
Oh, I was such an enabler. I was such an enabler I didn't know I was enabling. I thought I was helping. And I thought I was being a B**** when I said no. I started with one thing at a time. First, I quit making his doctor appointments. Then I stopped picking up his meds. And added something new each week he came home from work. I stopped that a long time ago. About 2 years before I started alanon. BOY...alanon could have really helped me then. I just didn't know I had a problem too. My problem was I was addicted to the addict. Be good to yourself! Taking care of you is key! Sincerely, Tonya
