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I feel like I am at a fork in the road. I left my AH 2 1/2 months ago. Things have been up and down. He is a recovering alcoholic and addict. Sober/dry for a year (relapsed a couple times recently).
I took him out for his birthday. He said that he was ok with me having a drink or two when we go out (restaurant or social function).
So at his b-day dinner I ordered a (ONE) glass of wine. I didn't drink a sip till our meals arrived. Dinner went well, and we went to our house afterwards and we were passionately intimate. The evening was wonderful. We hung out a couple times in the days following, everything was great.
Four days later he had a melt down. He said he was very upset I ordered a glass of wine on his birthday. He didn't talk to me for over a week. Didn't call me and didn't take my calls. (Then why did he want to have sex with me that night, and hang out with me for the next couple days?!)
On Friday night (this past friday) he called me saying he just needed space to be in his own head for a while (ok, fair enough). He said he wanted to hang out on Saturday.
Sat comes and I head over to our house, and immediately he wants to jump my bones?! It was weird for me, because I already felt the detachment after the past week or so of no communication. I said I had things to do and we should take our dogs our together instead (which I did have things to tend to - plan and clean up for my own b-day party...didn't mention the party part to him tho). Walking the dogs was nice. I had a great time at my b-day party that night btw - my roomates are so nice!! (Sat was the party, but my real b-day is today)
So on Sunday (yesterday) he wants to take the dogs out again... I'm happy about it, and head over to our house again. And again he wants to jump my bones.... well this time I couldn't resist! (even though I told myself I wouldn't on the way over).
Monday (today) is my actual birthday. He had asked me the day before what I wanted for my B-day. I told him I wanted to go for a long bike ride with him, and stop and go for dinner along the way. Well, today I called him on my lunch break. He said he wasn't feeling good (and didn't get the his bike gear ready last night), and wasn't up for a bike ride. It was kinda raining at that point, so it was kind of up in the air anyways.
So sun comes out around 4:00....looking pretty great for a long bike ride! I even stopped in on my way home to fill up my tires incase he changed his mind. I called him when I got home, he said he was feeling alright but that he was tired. He wanted to go for dinner instead, so I met him at a place near where I am staying. We had a nice dinner (kinda quick) he bought me flowers (which was nice). He seemed full of energy and not feeling under the weather at all. He kissed me hello and good night, but more like a peck than a kiss.
After he dropped me off, I cried for a bit... but kept on trying to shake it off. It reminded me a lot of when he was drinking and using, he would always bail out of things saying he wasn't feeling well... it just brought it all back for me.
I just don't know if I can keep on like this... I want off this ride already! I love him sooooo much! But sometimes I think it would be less painful and short lived if I just cut the cord. Problem is I don't want to cut it. I am not afraid of being alone, I'm afraid of not having him in my life.... ugg... I just don't know where things are going, and I am getting tired of this roller coaster.
Well no one can make the call but you as to what you are choosing to do, and what you are not, you know that...
I know what you mean about the roller coaster ride, I have been there more times then not... Some one once told me "If your REALLY Tired of it... Get OFF!, If your not quit complaining about it!" At first I thought that was quite COLD HEARTED but once I Thought about it.. .It was right on... Only I can desided what "I" put up with and what "I" don't...
I to use to feel being alone, and yes currantly I am Married, however, Many years ago, I desided that I did not want to be like my Afather and feel that if I was Alone, I was No One... My Afathers biggest fear was Being Alone... And because of that, he would get into any kind of relationsihp.. Good Or Bad, just to prevent that from happening...I lost my Afather this past thanksgiving to the disease of alcohol... He Died in his home Alone.. His biggest fear came true...
It took me a long time to know that was "HIS" fear... Not Mine... I fear losing the ones I love YES, but never about being alone, for I know that NOW... My HP is with me every step of the way, and he will guide me to a better life... One I Desirve, not the one of all my "A's"...
I wish you luck and hope that you keep coming back... It does work if you work it, and if you are not strong enough yet... You will be... Hang in there, and get the focus back on YOU!! Find a F2F Meeting on your area... They always help me and remind me... I Am Not Alone...
Take what you like and leave the rest... Love & Prayers Jozie
Over the years, there have been a lot of people that I loved but they weren't necessarily good for me. I had to learn that it was okay for me to determine that if I wasn't being treated the way I wanted (or very well) that I had every right to end things, the way they were if I couldnt work with the individual to make the realtionship better.
I also quit chasing unavailable men and quit chasing men period. I let them do the chasing & sat back to see who was making an effort on my behalf. I had plenty of experiences with unrequited love & it isn't a fun or fulfilling experience. So, I changed tactics and decided to not chase anymore.
I began working on me & loving myself. I still loved people in my past but I did so more spiritually, loving those that were "bad" for me at a distance. A guy entered my life & stuck. A guy I in the past I would never have considered ~ he was a nice guy. Turns out "nice guys" albeit they ,may appear boring initially, can be pretty exciting in the long run -- no drama but a lot of fun. I used to be attracted to the drama but in the end it's exhausting. I feel like I go through enough on my onw being female, I have my own roller coaster to contend with -- my hormones.
As far as your relationship goes, take it one day/date at a time and see how it goes. I used to sabatoge relationships b/c I thought I wasnt getting what I needed but that can backfire too. I'd prefer people hang themselves, if I just give them enough rope. I wanted someone that would be there for me, in a healthy way... not like my codependent upbringing.
A year, year & a half ago, when my b/f saw me slippping into depression and tried to talk to my mother about me, I knew he really really cared. I began to trust him much more.
I am still working on my codependency issues. We talk about our relationship whenever we need to, I'm always talking "therapeutically" & I will apply program all day.
In the past, I couldnt let go of anything - even my thoughts, I was totally obsessive. Once I began to focus on discovering waht self love was, I completely changed. I worked to detach from everyone else's behavior, mental health state, I just got busy with me and in time, detachment happened naturally. I got better at coping with life, when plans failed or whatever, I wasnt a basket case anymore.
The truth is, tomorrow is no guarantee & we cannot be sure of what will occur. But living consciously in Now & today has changed my life for the better, it feels like a miracle. I am working hard to keep that focus.
Happy Birthday to YOU!!! It's your own personal new year! Focus on what you want, so you can help achieve that end. Take care of you! I'm happy you had a nice time.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
What he's really doing is blaming you for his inability to be a social drinker. It doesn't matter if you hadn't drank at all. He would've blamed you for having sex with him, because then he would've told you that you took advantage of him. you have every right to be happy, to enjoy your birthday, and to make choices like to have a glass of wine with dinner. It doesn't make you a slut, a lush or anything else. It makes you an adult. I'm sorry your birthday wasn't "better." But, as the others have said, Happy Birthday.
((((Jane)))) My heart goes out to you, for I know exactly where you are right now and how you feel. I've spent the past six months in a very similiar situation. From what I have learned the whole "go away.......no wait a minute" is normal behavior in many relationships involving A's.
You'll reach a point, that only you will know when it hits, and you'll be ready to put the focus back on you and be kind to yourself.
Fear of being alone keeps a lot of people in unhealthy relationships, so does good sex, but neither of those things can keep a relationship going in the long run, and you know that I'm sure.
Take care of you and keep coming back. You're confused and that is perfectly ok, we all are at different points in our recovery. The folks here could tell you how all over the spectrum of feelings and emotions I have been.
your friend in recovery shelly
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
Girl!!! It sounds like you are going through some of the same things I am going through w/my exAH/bf. He is great for a while, showering me with love and affection, gift giving, there for me. Then all of a sudden it all stops. He doesn't call, doesn't come by, doesn't answer his phone when I call him. Then a few weeks later, it is like "Booty Call". He gets what he wants and then we are right back to the silent treatment.
I thing you and I need to get strong and stand our ground w/these guys. Decide what we want and expect from a relationship and not accept anything less than that.
Yea I know. Easier said than done. Hang in there. You are not alone in this. Sincerely, QOD
I think you are in a perfectly normal space. Letting go is very hard. I did it in stages. I also moved out and had contact with him. The ex A I was with deteriorated very fast. He went downhill like a hurricane.
I did not have sex with the ex A again after I left him. I can't say why I think it was because he was in such a crisis. I know that I found it very very difficult to let go. Detaching was what I had to learn and unfortunately in al anon we often have to learn to detach in a very difficult space.
Hello Jane , well u took me on a trip back into my past with your post . My husb and I separated for 6 months many yrs ago and it was the best thing he could have done for us . My husb too had relapsed after he left our home and he drank himself almost to death in the next 6 months. In that six months I rarley saw him which made m y life alot easier , I found out in those months he was gone that I missed him and loved him but that I was going to be ok with out him - he found out that home was where he wanted to be and became willing to do what he had to do to be here. When he called and was willing I made a decission to take a chance because this time I knew it would be different because I was different and I knew that regardess of what he did I was going to be okay . I went to alot of meetings in that six months , understood my part in this mess and accepted responsibility for my stuff . That was 20 yrs ago , still sober still together and I still attend 3 meetings a week , he is still alcoholic and I still react to him so I go for me . Use your time away to get to know you , leave him to God and AA and let us look after you . I gave my relationship to God told him I just didn't know how to fix it anymore and got the focus back on myself . so far He is doin a great job . hehe Sobriety is not easy for either of you and I needed the support from people who had been there before me . Don't stop your meetings , support husb efforts at sobreity and look after you . Louise
I would dump him...He would shower me with gifts..Flowers..Dinner if he could talk me into going with him and YES..."We DID it".....
When he thought I was "coming around" Then he would SLAM me!!! Not calling...Not showing up....Not chivilrous anymore.....The same old AH that I had dumped...
It was a sick game..As long as I had him "in fear" of losing me for good, he would behave.....The "turn on of the pursuit".....Soon as he "thought he had me??"....The same old shit would start...
I finally got tired of this sick game...yea, one time we went to eat and I had A glass of wine...He was ok , then when he was in AH mode, he told me what a b**tch I was for drinking in front of him...Well??? Why say something NOW about it...Why not last Fri night???
I got sick of the crap and yea, he chased me, pursued me and it hurt b/c I wasn't "doing the alone thing" as well as I can now, but I met someone ELSE...Also an A but sweet as hell, HE paid for my divorce and I sweated over AH #1 would he fight it...He did not so I got into another A marriage......This one was tough to end b/c the guy was sooo sweet to me......I left b/c alcohol killed my mom...Was not gonna watch someone I cared for die.......
Yea, unavailable men, now, turn me off, because I am coming into my self and my HP and I have healthy friends to hang with...Good family members I kept...dumped or distanced myself from the rest....
PLEASE keep coming back.......This program works......
Thank you so much you guys for the kind and insightful words!!! I never really understood when an alanon member mentioned their relapsing. I think I know what an alanon relapse is now... I think I just had one last night =).... guess it is bound to happen, I am going to take it as something about myself to learn from. As they say progress not perfection.
I am getting better at detachment, heheh but I also realize I have a lot more work to do. I am so happy I am here and apart of this program!! HUGS to all of you!
Today I called in sick at work. It was too nice of a day, and we are dead at work anyway (gave me an excuse). I went to the gym, got groceries, bought some beauty products (which I never do), bought some new clothes, cleaned up my room, and now I am going to go for a bike ride in the sun =)....oh then I have an appointment with our councilor, one on one (I always look forward to see her). Today is a good day!
Thank you for all your love and support! and thanks for the birthday wishes ;)
