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Hi All, This is the sequel to my original post from about two weeks or so ago.
My bf eventually came around to talk. He told me that he realized that he really hurt me and didn't treat me right and he also realized that he let my son down (as he promised my son that he would not hurt me). He told me that he felt horrible all last week as he sat on my sofa crying. I was grateful for the apology and the "owning up" but also felt bad to see him in so much pain (compassion). Then I asked him point blank, "So, why are you here telling me this?" Is this because you want to try to work things out or because you realize that you aren't prepared to be in a relationship at this point?" His answer was "Neither reason. He said, I just came to talk."
Immediately my "dis-ease" kicked in...I told him it would be okay if he worked his program. I told him that I forgave him. I invited him to a meeting with me Thurs. evening. My codependency went to work on making "him"feel better about himself and encouraging him and giving him hope. He told me that night that he missed me. Friday afternoon I went to his house and spent time with him and then Friday I went to his local hang out to see him. I could feel my own desperation and shame kicking in...and I stopped myself in mid-action...I told him I was beginning to "NOT" feel good about myself. He told me that I shouldn't feel that way because he was glad that I had come to see him. Then he told me that he would call me later and MAYBE come by. Then he TEXT me later and said' "Sorry Hon, not going to make it there"...I became aware AGAIN of how I was not valuing myself, my needs, my time or my feelings. I told him that I was aware of his actions & that he was on the fence about the relationship and I could no longer put myself out there the way that I was. I told him that I was stepping back and that when he is SURE about what he wants to give me a call.
I made a healthier choice for myself. No more one-sided 90/10 relationships. No more allowing someone to treat me as less than special. No more expecting someone to care who doesn't have the capacity or desire to care. I did this on Friday night. I have hurt like hell until this morning. Thank God for Al-Anon friends who applauded my healthy decision and told me that it would take some time for my feelings to catch up with the sane and wise decision that I made.
I didn't get a text message from him yesterday to wish me a Happy Mom's Day..and I will not lie and tell you that I didn't have feelings about it. I am trying so hard to take care of me, focus on me and have faith in my Higher Power and me. I still need the support and encouragement to stay on track and work my program and not succumb to the insidiousness of this disease. I'm getting ready to head to a f2f meeting this evening and look forward to hearing your ES&H on this matter.
I don't want the old tapes to rule me anymore (will he call me, will he choose me, will he realize what he is losing...GRRRRRRR!!) This is about me taking care of me, choosing me and loving me and realizing that no one is worth losing my self respect or self esteem or serenity over!!!!!
Sounds like you're opening yourself up for some "tough love" from the membership here and in Al-Anon Dee. You want the program bad and part of that is continuing to love yourself inspite of "steps backward". You tried what doesn't work and you see it clearly for what it is. This is what leads to wisdom...knowledge and the experience. They have to come together because alone they don't have much value.
It's great that your vision blurred for a while and then it cleared up. It's good that you felt the sting again because that is how a member learns that hindsight is 20/20 and gets to believe in the philosophy of "what goes around, comes around" and "If nothing changes nothing change" and "If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks like a duck the chances are it's a duck" and "If the Merry-go- round makes you sick to your stomach...don't ride it" and "Denial is not a river in Egypt" and all the other reality stuff we're taught but forget at times. You're a member of the World-wide Fellowship of the Al-Anon Family Groups and that kinda for me says it all. You're not perfect and will never be a saint and if you are not in and on program you can be taken down in a heart beat. I want to scream when I remember that and then I want to scream with gratitude. I have a HP and a "World-wide Fellowship that can and will if I am humble and willing save my ass before I give it up for free with a dumb look on my face that says..."Who me... powerless?"
I hope your face to face was a great one and that you got major support and hugs from the family. Family never lets you go as long as you continue to reach out.
