Mobirdie,

Grief is a terrible place to be, I am really sorry for the losses you have suffered.  I know I was very angry with my hub when he passed.  I felt like he just gave up and left me.

Give yourself time, it takes awhile for such strong feelings to pass, remember you are not thinking clearly.  I can remember being so angry with God. 

Cry if you need to, scream if you need to.....if you feel like just staying in bed do it.

We all grieve in different ways.  the anger will pass then comes the sorrow.  Eventually comes acceptance.  I think once the acceptance comes it gets a little easier.

Take your time, I promise it does get easier.....it is a slow healing process.

Andrea

I am so sorry about your losses....Your having a hell of a bad patch right now and YEA, I would grieve too...

Just give it/you time..Grief will last as long as it needs to...So will the anger...I just let emotions pass through me as long as it takes...Like I don't  "sit under the weeping tree" any longer than necessary for normal discharging of emotions, but I DO weep if need be....Then I begin again...Do what I can to take care of me and my responsibilities...

Grief will last as long as it needs to...The great thing about this program is is that it has taught me that it is OK to FEEL my feelings AS NEED and for AS LONG as healthy to do so....When the grief turns into self pity, then I know that it is time for me to take pro-active steps to get me back on track....

My sincerest condolences to you......

Aloha (((((Barbara)))))...       ...but every morning for the last two weeks I have
woke up angry.  And along with resentments feeling grief?  A disease of the
mind, body, spirit and emotions?  HALT!!?  God you're blessed to have 5 years
with this.  Imagine what it would feel like, sound like, look like and taste like if
you had only 5 weeks or 5 months or 5 days for that matter? 

Ever hear that philosophy that, "Nothing ever happens in God's world by
accident?"   I keep hearing my car radio/HP lessons that happened when
I thought I was up against it all and couldn't move another inch forward,
"This is a test...it is only a test."  

Yeah it's big and weighty and it looks and smells like crap but it ain't...it's only
a test.  I have learned in my time in Al-Anon that there really isn't any reality
to "have to" "gotta" "never" "always" "must" and all those other pressures.
The truth I found out is that I get to make the decisions for me, the how,
when, what and how much.  I can say no and ...no is a full sentence.  I don't
even have to yell it "NO!!".   I can say no with grace and love and empathy
and understanding and also...If I need another way to doing things I can find
that other way if I am willing; just like trusting the program and firstly your
HP.   You have not come 5 years alone and by accident.  You have been
blessed and loved widely and unconditionally.

One thing I learned how to do when I used to be in your spot was ...go
outside.   Stand quietly in one place and then ask myself "where am I right
now?"  When I have arrived at the answer to that question the next thing I
do is look straight up above me and ask, "Where do you want me right now?"
My sponsor called that vertical alignment.  It works for me.  It's free...give it
a shot.

No doubt part of your life looks like crap right now.  If you stand back away
from the picture of your life another 20 feet how would it look?  ...another
30 feet?  That lesson came in the first 5 years of my own recovery journey
also.  I'll bet you have already learned the nose to the picture lesson?

Trust God...Clean House...Help Others.

(((((hugs)))))

-- Edited by Jerry F on Monday 11th of May 2009 11:44:10 PM

Thank you all so very much for reminding me of what I already know but lost for a bit.
I had to do the next right thing and that was to call my sponsor which I should have been doing every day but didn't. She is a little lady but one tough bird. which is what I need.

I needed to remember HALT. Am I too hungry, angry, lonely or tired. YEP I fit all of those.
Hand in front of my face to remind me what is my business and what belongs to someone else. I also took my sponsor's advice and re-read Melanie Beatie's daily reader for May 13 on property lines. I needed reminded of what is mine to take care of and what belongs to someone else.

I can't imagine what it would be like going through all of this without my program. This program has kept me from falling into a little (Barb be honest) BIG clump in the middle of the floor.

The estate will go to probate which will take awhile but it is in my HP's hands and he will work it out for me in his time not mine. The deceitful people involved in this will have to settle with their HP in the end and as long as I keep my side of the street clean I don't have to worry about theirs.

Here is how I handled a situation early this morning. I noticed on the list of flowers delivered for the funeral that there were plants that were missing. According to the funeral director the girlfriend insisted to him that one of them be left for the church on Sunday and never made it to the funeral. She did not have the right to make that decision and had she asked I'm sure the sons would have said yes without pause, however protocol would have been to ask first. In the grand scheme of things it really doesn't matter, it's just a plant. She has to deal with her higher power on the things she did that were not right.

So today I am working on baby steps, handling the things that are mine to take care of and if it doesn't have to be taken care of today I will put it aside for another day.

Thanks again for your responses, you helped me get this head of mine screwed back on straight. I will do my best to get through this one minute at a time and look forward to the time when I can do it one day at a time.

Love you all
Barb