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About unconditional love and affecting kids with disease
I so enjoyed hearing all the perspectives about this at a recent meeting. Very good recovery in these roooms and I am sending out my love and gratitude to u all.
I was brought up by 2 a’s and in my case it would have been a joke to try and hide too much, everyone in the town seemed to know or at least thought something had to b up with us
But I could relate to those who shared about not wanting to hide it from their children (sick as our seccrets) –I was told ealry on that they had a disease and they were in and out of aa for many yrs. And I went to ala-teen a little—
NOW as an adult I make it a family rule that u must attend 6 ala-teen meetings cuz they may not live with it but it is in their blood & I want to be pro education about the disease and the 3c’s wherever I can—like with their uncle and aunt’s more active disease
I C it as my job to try and educate and then let go of outcomes whether they use it in their lives or not or whether it only plants seeds that may not sprout until they are 35 or who knows if ever—I really have to leave that part to their Higher power and as some wise woman told me "the only thing I really need know about a higher power is that I am not IT"
I try and work my program out loud a bit to influence what my children hear or perceive. Since they get so many other influences that are negative. If I don’t do all this work and use al-anon tools, I so so easily recreate the circus I grew up in: "Same circus -different tent" like they say.
AND I am so grateful I was at least introduced to another way so as an adult I could choose recovery—knew it was an option even tho it may have taken a little while for me to want it.
I learned to separate the disease from my parents even back then, and that has helped me be unconditional with myself—separate me from my disease thoughts, etc. I know by loving myself more it has made me way more loving and non-judgmental of others and that is what we all want and need: LOVE. It is that simple at least in my view. But simple isn’t always easy, however. Especially the Tough Love, but it is still love—no mistaking that, cuz it is so hard we must really love someone to be willing to do all that tuffer love we learn in here.
Thanks for listening,
Luv123 or Sha-angel
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Wishing all the best on your recovery journey, Luv
I too believe that planting the seed is important, even though we have no control over whether it grows. You are right, there is so much negative out there, that exposing them to tools for a positive life can only help make them stronger when the time is right.
I learned a long time ago, that secrets not only hurt but can kill. They cause isolation and deciete that is sometimes more damaging then the disease itself. I have found that honesty and openess in an age appropriate manner is the best way to go.
My parents gave me the choice as to whether or not I went to the meetings-- I could go to the meeting or sit in the hall and read a book, at that time I was not too into books, and I did what my brother did in situations I was uncomfortable, so I went into the meeting. Here I am around 10 years later. With some folks it takes, with others it doesn't. After a while, we chose to go to the meetings, I choose to go now. You also can't choose what takes, sometimes the things they take with them are the last things you would choose, but at least they got something, which I think is why we always read the 12 steps in our meetings, and give them a warm welcome.
I like the idea of working your program out loud. I tend to talk things out with my kids, and have started sharing with them a little about what life was like for me growing up, how it influenced my choices later. A bit of a fine line to walk between being honest with them about the harm their dad's alcoholism has done, and running him down. I think I do OK most of the time, though. They see that we are still together, and happier the more we both work our programs. I'm so grateful that, although they are not unaffected by the years of their dad's drinking, (and my responses to it!) they are not too badly damaged. In fact, on the whole, they are very healthy kids - a nice balance between caring for the feelings of others, and caring for themselves. No alateen in our town - we have a very small alanon group, and those who really want alateen are of course the parents, who wouldn't be allowed to run it! I've gotten some Literature for my kids, and just leave it around. Their choice as to whether they take it or not.
I just wanted to comment briefly on your statement about your children. They are lucky to have you talk to them about the program. However, I would strongly encourage you to get them to meetings. I know you said that there aren't any in your town. The town I moved to when I was 14 did not have one either, so we started one. There were three of us, one of them was my brother, and the other girl's mother was our sponsor until we were able to find someone who was willing to sponsor us, because we needed the program.
I am sure that you have a good grasp on your children's behavior. But I'm also going to be a devils advocate for a moment. I too was one of those kids that seemed to be able to balance caring for myself and caring for others( I had been around the program since my father got sober when I was 7 and actually joined the program at 11) But in being good at those things, I was also excellent at covering up what was going on inside. I was suicidal and my parents still don't know it to this day. I sat one night with a knife blade against my wrist because I hated life, and I hated being sad, and expected to be the good one.
In NO way am I suggesting your kids are that way nor that they will be, I'm just suggesting the possiblity that they are as good at covering things up as you are(I was as good at covering things up as my mother-and she was good).
Sorry if that sounded harsh, I've been told I type in a mean way sometimes. I hope that all goes well for you and your kids and that they find recovery.
That is something I worry about (the covering up), for my son especially. He of course is the one who doesn't want to have anything to do with alanon. I thought that a parent was not allowed to sponsor an alateen group. I really don't like the idea of sponsoring a group my kids are in, I am sure that I am a big part of any problems they might have.
Most likely you're not technically allowed to do it, but for us, having a parent get the meeting started was better than having no meeting at all. The other girl's mom just did it for a month or two, then we were able to convince someone else to take over for her, but it got the ball rolling and we would have not been able to do it without her. I'm sure some folks won't agree with this, but sometimes its ok to bend the rules to help out the kids.
