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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Wanting to let go but still find myself holding on a little at times....Trying to understand EXABF's motivation.
Post Info TOPIC: Wanting to let go but still find myself holding on a little at times....Trying to understand EXABF's motivation.
shellyj123


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Wanting to let go but still find myself holding on a little at times....Trying to understand EXABF's motivation.
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   This weekend was good and bad, mostly good with a dash of bad sprinkled in:).

   I was dreding the weekend at first, because Mom's day was yet another day that EXABF and I started a "tradition" and I hated the idea of facing it this year without him.  Last year he bought me a new Mt. Bike and he, me and my son made it a weekly exercise/outdoor outing that we all loved soooo much and we went weekly. 

   Decided to do something different this year and get away for the day so went with a friend of mine out of town to a huge mall (which of course had a HUGE bookstore-one of my passions), then to Medieval Times for their Mom's Day celebration dinner and jousting tournament.  We all had such a blast, and I actually forgot about what I was doing with EXABF last year.........at least til I got home.
  
   In my mail I found a Mother's day card that he had sent me!!! (he had always said that I was a awesome mom and that was one of the things that attracted him to me at first)  Now it was just a funny card, and he wrote "have a great day, and signed it Love, XXX" but WTH???  I mean I have tried all day to put it out of my mind but I keep coming back to WHAT could possibly be his motivation in sending it?  WHY?  We haven't spoken since the end of March, we have emailed on occassion-several nasty ones included in that-but I haven't even gotten an email from him in almost 2 weeks, so what logic is there in him sending a card?  Why is it that he seems to almost SENSE that I am letting go and moving on and as soon as I take two steps forward he POPS back into the picture to keep all the memories fresh.  I just can't understand why someone who is in AA, who HAS to know what it does to me when he contacts me like this, continues to do it?  I'm not his mother!

  I just wish I could somehow make some sense of it all.  I have struggled all week to let go of the anger I have toward him and move on and I take one step forward and he kicks me back 3 it seems.

  Any ESH would be awesome.......thanks for letting me share
Keeping it simple no matter what!
shelly



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If nothing ever changes, nothing ever changes.
rosielightshines


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YOU say "Why is it that he seems to almost SENSE that I am letting go and moving on and as soon as I take two steps forward he POPS back into the picture to keep all the memories fresh.  I just can't understand why someone who is in AA, who HAS to know what it does to me when he contacts me like this, continues to do it?  I'm not his mother!

I just wish I could somehow make some sense of it all.  I have struggled all week to let go of the anger I have toward him and move on and I take one step forward and he kicks me back 3 it seems."



Rosie says______ I think you figured it out.....He wants back in the picture to screw your life up again......Keep working the program.....Its a boyfriend..NOT a husband with legal issues and all....I know its hard, but WHAT would you tell your daughter to do????? 

IF he were in recovery 5 years or so??? and REALLY working the program, that would be diferent....I smell manipulation here and I think you see it too.....And yea, they "A's" are soo needy, they latch onto the "mom" type of women to take care of THEM......

what about YOUR needs........

I can see that you see it......I am glad that you are AWARE of whats going on........DEEP breaths.....STEPS......talk with someone (hopefully sponsor)  and work the program....Post here and keep focus on YOU............Good work in seeing it....rosie

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Rosie in recovery one day at a time
Jozie


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((((((((((((SHELLY))))))))))))

Ok, You are getting to a better place, and that could be the reason for his interuptions.. Everytime since the 1st split he has done this to you, one minute need space, next minute, wants a date, next minute, not ready, next minute, "Love ya" it has been a pattern since the two of you split... His pattern... Keep your focus on you.. Your Boy... And what YOU want out of this life... don't look at just the "Love XXX" look at it as a nice jesture, Thanks...Moving on... No Need to respond, no need to keep it going... Stick it away in your God Box and a year from now...Lets see were you are...

I am glad that you got to enjoy your day away...Now don't let it be ruined with bad thougts, when you look back... Put your focus back in line, and just give it to God... You can't say why he does the things he does... ANd honestly...I dought even he knows... But you can't allow him to keep taking back your serenity, for it is YOURS...

Focus on your fun... Your Recovery... And what that alone means to you... Let him worry about his... You know if you respond even out of niceness.. he will keep coming back for more... Every holiday.. Remember your newest tradition, and let the past lie were it may...

You got this chic...Keep up the good work...One day at a Time... Or LIke me :P One Moment... Works if you work it :)

Love Ya... Hugs and Prayers :P
Jozie

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serendipity


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Well, it took me years to understand that just because someone was in AA did NOT mean they were healthy. I just assumed that if someone were in AA and working a program, that they had some sort of awareness (or a halo, or really deep understanding of life). Come to find out, many are just sick people who go to meetings and work the steps.

My ex had/has the most incredible knack for finding the most insane people in the program and then surrounding himself with those people because they will tell him what he wants to hear. Up to and including the idea that he has that his recovery is more important than his own children and that it was perfectly ok for him to totally abandon them because the kids have me and he had no oneconfuse. Yup, so AA does NOT equal sane.

 

It sounds like your ex is just looking for his supply. And you were his supply. He needs a "fix" so he sends you a card, fishing for a response. Because if you respond to him then he gets his high. I stopped responding and stopped asking myself why. Cause in the end, the why make no difference. Any contact that he forced upon me, I would think to myself "love and blessings" and then let it go to the best of my ability.

So, just let him go with love and blessings....



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Jean4444


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An x-boyfriend sending an ex-girlfriend a mothers day card? totally bizaaro if you ask me- does he think you are you his mother?! yikes! BIG RED FLAG, J.

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SLS


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Put the focus back on you and let it go. You will never figure out his motivation and you likely give him way too much credit by assuming that he knows what he is doing to you. It is likely all about him.

AA does not necessarily equate with recovery and even if he is sober and working a program, it will take years for him to think clearly, recognize and process emotions, carry on non-linear conversations and be fully present in a relationship. My AH is 4 years sober and although he is making great progress, he isn't there yet.

So, you have a choice. He has "popped" in with a card. What are you going to do now? Hold onto it and focus all your emotions on it and what you think it might mean, or let it go?

The choice is yours.

Yours in Recovery,

SLS

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The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
Mariner


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Oh (((Shelly)))

Thats just cruel cry  and if I may say quite sick.

You have worked so hard on keeping your serenity and moving on. Please try and ignore it, dont read anything into it there is no love or joy in his action.
You know I'm in a pretty similiar situation. I recently let my ex crash all my boundaries because I thought I was in control ha ha. He was supposed to come round yesterday for a meal and for me to have the chance of ending our relationship with some dignity. Guess what he didnt show,just a text to say he was in a bad space and couldnt see me! I'm the one in a bad space with a ruined meal and the feeling I got totally duped on Thursday, when he was here being all lovely and getting his own way.
I slipped up big style, again!
Please Shelly keep strong, this latest stunt is just his ego playing games, he wants to feel he's still got you hooked. Toxic behaviour at its best.

Keep the focus on you, keep moving forward, keep loving yourself your worth it.

With love Carol 



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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Wanting to let go but still find myself holding on a little at times....Trying to understand EXABF's motivation.