The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My a-bf and I have been broken up for 2 years and recently started seeing each other again. He's still an A...but I miss him.
I decided to set boundaries. One being, our time together would not involve anyone else...ie...family, kids etc. Just us.
This means...no sleeping on my couch after an evening of movies...if the kids are home.
Tonight he called and wanted to come over. I told him my kids were home....He was completely offended and as usual, flipped and accused me of always ruining things.
I feel completely entitled to want to take things slow. He's not different...he's still a drunk...and with Alanon...I feel I can use my program..but my kids shouldn't be exposed to it.
His disease is so much more than the using...it's the actions, the anger, the A-isms...things teens don't need to be around.
And as I write this...I realize...they are things I don't need to be around either...I guess that boundary thing came in handy tonight.
I am curious.....How did you feel/ live when you two were apart?????
When I stay in a bad relationship or take one back, I ask me "WHERE or WHAT is my payoff here???" With my ex AH it was money...Financial fear that kept me with him.....
NOW I realize that I can take care of me w/HP's help.......Now I don't let folks from whom I am always having to detach from too close in my life...Oh yea, I have an A brother who I used to be best friends with....The disease changed our relationship....I can't let him close....I must, for my health keep him at a distance......If he wasn't family, I most likely would separate entirely, but hes family and hes very sweet to me...NEVER insults me or comes against me in anyway....Even with that, I keep him at a distance because I don't want to watch this disease kill him....
I would strongly suggest you get all the al-anon literature focusing on the 12 steps that you can...I would also suggest that you attend either fac2fac meets or here on line several times a week and latch on to a sponsor......There is something in your past that causes you to falsly believe that you can't "do better" than an A....AND you got kids.......I sure hate to think of those poor kids being around that and THEY end up having to work recovery 20 years from now...
What would you tell your best friend you would hope that SHE does to take care of her????
Good for you! It's not that I dont think A's understand boundaries, they just dont like them. They are used to walking all over us & doing whatever they want. They DO hate it when we change. They want what they want, when they want it, very much like spoiled children that bully their way through.
I leanred that when I set boundaries, my A's initially didnt like it either but over time, they learned that my word meant something & they had respect for me b/c they could no longer walk all over me. In the process, you will see some of their true colors & you will gain self respect, which is priceless. Your children will see this & work to emulate you. Very good all the way around.
The A will learn to adapt. Protecting yourself and your children is extremely important ans worth fighting for. Keep doing what you think is best!!! kudos
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I totally agree with kitty....They DO know boundaries...They just try and walk over them.....Keep up taking care of you and those precious kids.....Maybe all this sickness can STOP with us, here, working our program and SHARING that with the younger ones, so THEY have a decent shot at life......
