The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
About 2 weeks ago, I got a call from my Neice, "Asisters Daughter" , Telling me I was to get to her House NOW... (she lives 5 mins. away), she is but a drama queen, so I slowed her up and ask what was going on... Well my Lt. Sister, that was suppose to take my Afathers aestate, (Who still hasn't told me she isn't)... was having a bad fight with her mom, (not my mom), and I was to rescue her from her pain and hurt...
SOOOO I get on the phone gave the pep talk, walk her thru it, and try to get her to see that she is an adult, under state law, so there for, it is about time she stop letting everyone else make disiccions for her, and make some of her own... "She is 21"... So talk her down to stop cry'n ask if she needed me, she said No...Hung up...
Well (2) days later, I find out that she has made arrangements with my Niece to move in with her.. (She is 18 going on 35 "or so she thinks", Again...AMother)...Now this of course came down a long line of people, till it ever gets to me, of course...
So today, I get done mowing my grass, and IN THEY pull the both of them together... Well I couldn't... I couldn't just sit here and pretend that I was happy with either of them, but I was not about to get into a pissing match, for I know my sister would have sat there and just been a ball of nerves and I would have ended up bust'n the niece in the mouth for the way she speaks... So did good, keepin my mouth shut...
I am sure they felt the coldness in the air, for I am not a good lier... A trait I must have missed from the rest of my family...Dang!!! But now, I am sitting here just stewing over the fact that they act like NOTHING is going on...While all along, I am bust'n my hump to get this place together, and she don't even bring it up.I am goin up every week mowing, doing up keep, clean'n it out by myself, and she sits here and tells me how she had to take today off because she was Tired... The girl does not go out side... And of course the Niece also took off today because well "Girly Prob." or so she claims.... And I have yet to get an apoloigy from my Neice about the phone call, demands because I have not spoke to her since... This is her way of "Pretending Nothing happened"... She is good at that...Passed down honestly from her AMother...
I know that I should not let this crap get under my skin, but I was doing so well all week, the last 2 really, since I detached from their drama, and then just one look at them and would like to smack them both in the head... My neice and me have come to blows before, She never wins and she knows it, but she gives it her all mighty mouth till I walk away or hang up... My baby sister and I have never fought, but I can tell ya my patience are sure ware'n thin...
My Baby Sister was in college out of state for almost a year... She never been to the city and was dropped in the middle of one for school and just couldn't handle all the responsibility. So she would call me on the phone and cry, and I would "Float $100. to her everytime something financial would come up, ( I don't have food, no money, electric bill, bank statements)... I thought "Well at least she is try'n to make it at college so it is worth it" Well now I feel like that little bit of help, has now left her feeling like I am now a door mat...
First things out of her mouth, are "Well My bank account is over drawn again" (I have bailed her out on that one More then once)... I just looked at her, and said ..."Welp, sounds like it is about time to get your "Sh*t Together" and turned around...To which led to her having every excuse in the world, and blaming it on the ex... I Just said. "Your Card, Your Account, Your Responsibility" so she just quit speaking to me after that... And they gather their self and slithered out...
Usually I would jump up, walk them to the door, and give them a hug & Kiss. Well today they came to me, for they knew it wasn't coming...Why does this aggrivate me so much... I SHOULD NO BETTER....I do KJNOW BETTER... Aurgggggg
Good for you, you created a boundary & stuck to it! Way to be "a doormat" for one less person. I guess you are mad b/c you feel like you've been taken advantage of. We've all BTDT one too many times, so we stop. Kudos! The more u get to follow though on boundaries & take care of yourself & stop rescuing others, the happier & easier it gets to say "No" & take care of yourself. I think you handled it well. Gotta love being able to speak directly & simply and be HEARD.
It's hard to make these changes with family but I know in my family, even if they were upset about my boundaries at first or me saying "No" to them but ultimately I gained their respect and my own, which is priceless.
You are doing what you need to do & your sibling/neice will too.
-- Edited by kitty on Thursday 7th of May 2009 03:48:04 PM
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
We are all controllers, and can fix everyones problem. In different ways I have done exactly what you did more times than I care to admit. I realize now through Al-Anon that most of my helping and fixing was only a form of enabling. The more I helped and fixed the more the person expected. Before it was over with I was the bad guy. I learned that the hard way many times. I no longer get involved in those situations. I give Al-Anon full credit. I now allow others to make, accept and live with their own choices without any interfernce from me. A nice soft "NO" is really a complete sentence.
Years ago a man who I had a tremendous amount of respect for told me, never loan a friend or relative money, either give it to them, or tell them no. I have not always practiced that, but when I have I have always been better off for it.
HUGS, RLC
-- Edited by RLC on Thursday 7th of May 2009 03:42:32 PM
Now wait a minute girl!!! You did great! Look how you did not enable her anymore with money, you threw the obstacle right back into her lap!
I applaud you!
You know we learn our skills here, however it takes a few starts and goes again to really put it into practice as natural!! Remember how hard it was to learn to drive a stick shift?
From reading your post again, I would say give yourself a huge amount of credit for using your alanon skills. Looks like you focused on the negatives, not the positives.
Going to meetings will help you to see your progress.
Also what I learned was, when I would see my A, or another A I would act the same as always. OH HI! hugs hugs, how are you?
Oh I am in trouble at the bank. OH? well how are YOU going to fix this?
What are your options?
if someone asks you for something, oh I am sure you can figure it out yourself....
Does this help?
Hey we alanoners are always beating ourselves up.It is part of our new us to love us and give ourselves credit.
So I am giving YOU credit!! much LOVE and hugs,debilyn
Sorry I did not make myself clear. The main thing is you did the right thing. I admire you for the way you handled the situation. Don't be aggrivated, give yourself a pat on the back instead. You deserve one. I was just refering to all the times in my life I needed a kick in the butt instead of a pat on the back. Go girl.
Jozie, i think you are REALLY growing in this program.....You took care of YOU...set boundaries and didn't get taken advantage of.....
you validated your own needs and feelings......I am very proud of your recovery progress......keep workin on you.......YOU are SO WORTH IT..............BIG HUGS, rosie
Aloha Jozie...You did okay. None of us is perfect and it's only hindsight that is 20/20. Second guessing ourselves only sells asprin. Don't do it. You came here and shared it...now it's hot shower time or something relaxing and self gratifying and affirming. You did fine and what you didn't do is okay too!!
One way I have of looking back on stuff like this is are there any resentments? Are there any amends or apologies to make? If I was fair...honest...and just... I'm cool with my HP cause that is my major relationship concern. HP's will for me?....Love anyway.
Good job...JOZIE!! (((((hugs)))))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Thursday 7th of May 2009 10:54:03 PM
