The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Yesterday my hubby went to court for his DUI he got in March. Well first off let me give a short background, I have posted several times on here, but for those who dont know, my husband is a binge drinker and goes months on a dry spell and then slowly starts the cycle again. I have been dealing with this for the whole 6 years I have been married and well he has been dealing with it since he was 12. His dad gave him his first shot of Jack Daniels. Anyways, I knew he was eventually going to get a DUI and every time he binged each time it got worse and worse. He is not physically abusive, just verbally and mentally. It is BAD. I am not in a position financially to leave him , YET, trying my hardest to get there. and well in March he got his first DUI, his level was over twice the legal limit, he went on a 12 hour binge and dropped almost 300.00 on it. He has been dry this whole time, his first words were when I saw him after he got arrested. I am so embarrased to be around you, I will never drink again, blah blah blah, ya BEEN THERE DONE THAT BEFORE. So I told him to get some help. That maybe, just maybe this is awake up call for him, well he said he knows he has a problem and he loves beer, so I didnt have much hope for him, but said I would be there for him through this. BAD MOVE ON MY END. So my step mom works for the DUI courts and she told him due to his level that he should enroll IMMEDIATLY into the classes and start going to AA and well he needs help. It would show the cour t something good on his part. Did he do it, nope of course not.
So moving on to yesterday, we go to court and well to me, the judge really gave hiim a deal, and to be honest I was really disappointed. I wanted them to slam him and make an example out of him. I mean come on , he got a slap on the hand, restricted license, a fine of 1700 which he can do 13 days community hard labor picking up trash to make the fine go down to 300.00 , 6 months of DUI classes ( 700.00 for that), a MADD program and 13 AA meetings and 3 years informal probation. NO JAIL TIME . i was shocked. and well really wanted him to go there. but the judge felt this is best for him... So after court we go to lunch and he starts making comments that now if we go out to eat and he has a beer, I am to drive. OMG I WAS SHOCKED, not even an hour out of court. I guess I shouldnt be shocked, he has a diese and well needs help. He doesnt see that though. So anyways i know he wanted a beer at lunch and was kind of upset cause ( and i shouldnt have said anything ) I said that was the wrong thing to do. so moving on, last night at dinner we go to Wild Buffalo Wings to watch the game and of course I knew something was up when he chose the lounge to sit in. He orders ice tea and I thought okay this is good, then he starts seeing others drinking beer and i hear him order a beer. I couldnt keep the look of disappointnment off my face i guess cause he said what, I just said nothing. He knew I was upset and well felt very uncomfratble. So we leave at half time, ( hmm my fault ) and then he lets into me saying he doesnt need a babysitteer and what he did was not wrong, he isnt drinving. I said this time. and just told him that it goes beyond the whole driving thing, that he has a problem, and needs help. He said no he doesnt and well that he should be able to drink what he wants whether out or at home if he isnt driving. we had this whole damn arguemnt over it and well I know better that to get caught up in it but couldnt help it.
I just see him eventually losing it all, his job, his freedom and well maybe his life. So now my guard is up again, everytime we go out now I have to feel this way, now I am going to be worried again all the time. I hate this, this feeling . I cannot live the rest of my life doing this. he said this only affects him, not me, hmmmm ya i beg to differ, I am your wife it effects me too.
Not even one day after the court, omg he was drinking the same day. Sorry so long, I just kept this in all night and well felt like I was going to explode. I feel really stupid for even trying to be by his side. I know better than this. So what a hypocrite to go through these classes and know that he is going to drink. I told him it is a slap in all the mothers in MADD ( one of the classes he has to go through) who have lost a child that he goes and listens to them and then still drinks. Ugh I really hate my life right now and just dont know how much more of this I can take. Sometimes I think living in my car alone would be better than this. i dont know anymore.
Sorry to hear your frustration, but yep - it's all a part of the process... Sounds to me like he hasn't accepted (at all) that he really needs to change anything.....
Time to focus on you, and what YOU can do for your recovery and well being....
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
You would be best off at a meeting F2F if you could get to one, that is what I would do.. You are not alone, and have come to the right place... Anger, is a feeling we all can agree comes out beautifully when dealing with our "A's" at one point or another... This program however is about YOU & Your Well Being... Not His, He is the only one that can make the call on were he goes next, and how many drinks he has... The dirty looks, dirty words, and scream'n matches are nothing more then a distraction from the problem at hand... HIS Problem, not yours.
Take care of yourself, Al-anon can teach you how... It has helped me so much since the loss of my Afather 6 months ago, and it can get you the confidence and the guideance that will see you thru this tough time ...
That Serenity Prayer is a Great Place to start... ;) I repeat it probably about 15-20 times a day...It brings me back to what I CAN & CAN NOT Control...Easy Does It, One Day At A Time :)
Keep Coming back and posting your vents, and challenages, and happiness as well... It will help you release some Anger, and move on... Let Go & Let God... One Day At A Time
Sorry to hear your frustration, but yep - it's all a part of the process... Sounds to me like he hasn't accepted (at all) that he really needs to change anything.....
Time to focus on you, and what YOU can do for your recovery and well being....
Tom
I AGREE....its time to let him do what hes gotta do....face his own stuff...and YOU take care of you....nothing changes if nothing changes....the only thing i can change is ME......i wold let the "A" deal with his own stuff...and yea, i agree....the drunk drivers really need to learn a HARD lesson...they can kill someone...my A mother used to drive, drunk, go wrong way on highways..1 way streets....its a miracle she did ot kill anyone.....i prayed that she would lose her license....eventually she did...the courts just had had enough.......i really support the maad...they have a right to cruisade to get the drunks off the streets..........
all you can do is take care of you...thats it.....peace
This really sucks for us, doesn't it? I'm in a similar situation as you and it's so frustrating knowing that NOTHING we say or do will make them stop drinking. They think the only person they're hurting is themselves, but that can't be further from the truth. Heck, my sister keeps telling me that if he drives drunk again and kills somebody, we could lose our house, everything. Does she think I don't know that???? Of course I know that, but there's nothing I can do to make him stop drinking.
My husband hasn't had his court date assigned yet, but when he got caught, our son was in the car with him, so I'll be surprised if he DOESN'T get jail time - like you, I don't want him to get away with a slap on the wrist - I want this to make an impact on him.
I'm still new to all of this - been going to face-to-face meetings for a little over a month now. I'm really looking to try to get some of that serenity that I see at my meetings. I want to learn to Let Go and Let God so I can do away with my fear and anxiety.
Have you been to any face-to-face meetings yet? If not, I highly recommend you go, they have been such a life saver for me. Good luck and take care of yourself - that's all I can recommend.
-- Edited by N8SMOM on Thursday 7th of May 2009 03:55:38 PM
Princess he is right, it is his problem not yours.
He has a disease,we cannot depend on A's. My experience.
I agree meetings, the book Getting Them Sober and lots of alanon lit, and coming here are part of what will help you.
You already are working on getting yourself financially ok.
We can set up a life with our A if we choose to. Keep money,vehicles etc separate from our sick A.
Then we feel safe to just love them. You can find groups to help you with his abusive side. That has nothing to do with him being an A. It is not a symptom of being an addict .However most drugs lower inhibitions so he is saying things he would not normally say.
Hon I used to leave in my car, go park out in the mountains somewhere for hours to get away.
After alanon I learned how to change my life and me to be able to live with him as he was.
Trouble was the disease did not find me fun anymore when it could not draw me in.
The disease took him away.
My A just did his 7th dui and finally got a year or two in jail. He even had an accident, did not go to jail, this time hurt someone and assaulted an officer. How much ya want to bet he gets out in months?
He has oral cancer now so who knows.
Anyway going out to meetings will really clear your mind and help you feel better. We get so bogged down from their disease that we cannot think anymore. It is like being dragged into a pit.
When it is so overwhelming, another brother here in our group told me,"drop the rock." that simple.
Let it go. Focus on YOU. His stuff is his. When my A's disease was being a turkey I would make a scrunchy face and think dang the other one is back. Then go read, watch tv, go to the barn whatever.
hugs!! Hugs!! we are here for you, so now you be here for you too! love,debilyn
yep...SEPARATE cars, money, credit cards and let him DEAL with his OWN stuff
i had an "a" for 13 years...he never abused me..(i draw the line on ANY abuse...i am GONE because verbal can and does many times accelerate to physical abuse) anway, he was an alkie, but was "ok" to me other than i could NOT depend on him...could NOT "bank on his word".....i just had to live my separate life...
now I did this and eventually, the separateness that I had to do, I just "out grew" him....Like one day I got up in May 2000 and said "what am I doing?? I can get a roommate and a sober one at that"......so we eventually split becuz I wanted a real partner....well?? I am "partnerless" for 9 years now and its OK...I have my peace....My freedom to go out wherever I want...I am not worried about my A getting into a wreck with HIS truck, etc......Yea, I miss the laughter and the fun we had, but I dont miss the unhealthy disease taking me down or at best , causing me to have to detach all the time
whether one stays or leaves depends on how SAFE you are with him, I guess and whether or not you feel like YOUR needs are being met......IF I mate up again, and I say a BIG "IF"...it will be with an "al-anon'er" or a "coda" or "acoa" who is REALLY working their program, OR just a guy who is mostly healthy....are there any out there??? I wonder if ANY one is really healthy in these days....
whatever...the best thing is to keep SEPARATE money, bank accounts, credit cards, vehicles, car insurance, and the house was always in MY name...So whe he left he took his separate stuff with him.....my first "A" wrecked my credit back in the 70's and I will NEVER let that happen again.....THIS time I had everything separate...
now?? thanks to recovery, I am DONE with alkies.....There is a guy who does our auto mechanics at work..He owns own business and he DRINKS....LOTS......He likes me....I am NOT interested.......I deserve a healthier partner...
just my take.......God love ya and protect YOU!!! Please hang with us and share....we care and we can relate.....been there...done that.....
My "A" brother got kicked out of his warehouse....drank his rent money.....I told him "DEAL with it".....I detached.....I haven't helped him pay ANY of his bills for years now.....Don't want to......NOT my problem............HUGS, rosie
Aloha Princess...The answers are here and in the program of Al-Anon. Yes there are other places to go look and in Al-Anon most everyone will know what you are talking about and how you are feeling and what you have done and what he has done to you and the whole shebang!! or like the guys Hebang!!
We admitted we were powerless, that our lives had become unmanagable. That is our first step. It would work as well for the court system, MADD, SADD whom ever and what ever that has to deal with the disease of alcoholism. I have worked the DUI rooms as a part of my recovery service. I have been to college on the disease. I have been an alcohol and substance abuse counselor (to no end) and have taken my education and experiences into Departments of Education, State Offices, CDC, and a term with Alternatives to Violence. I am still trying to get some legislation looked at and passed that I authored in 1984 and I can tell you for certain that "...We are powerless over alcohol and that our lives have become unmanagable".
Get as mad and indignant as you want...the disease don't care. Get as resentful and angry as you want...the disease uses that heat to stoke up it's flame. Get as sad and confused as you need to and the drink with sit down with your pity and sympathy. Booze has been around for a very very long time and I believe that the human is altered because of it. What ever is decided as a defense is not enough...it carries on taking large numbers of victims behind it with the exception of those people who find the spiritual program of recovery or someother program of recovery and who put a meaning to the word STOP!!. We are about putting a STOP!! to it in our own lives only. It is useless to get angry at a person for being sick and in fact those who do are looked upon as being unloving and bad. Those of us who have crawled out from under the weight of the disease of alcoholism are neither bad or unloving...We just don't know how to regain our serenity without the help of others who have come before us.
Get into the meeting rooms and let those who have come before you show you how to not just survive this chaos but restore your serenity and happiness whether he is drinking or not, cares or not, knows or not or wants what you get. This is a you program. You can start anytime without him.
(((((hugs))))) Keep coming back cause this is what works best.
