The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
As recovery takes hold, I often read on this board how one decides they are ready to start dating again and then do. This is my question... once you "decide", who do you date? I ask this because I can honestly say that with the exception of one person (keep reading) there is no one whom I have come into contact with that is even a remote possibilty. Now granted, I do not go out to nightclubs, nor have I looked online, and neither of those options are appealing to me right now.
So, a recap here... I met my ah (now sober 18 mos) when I was 18, thus have known him for more than half my life. He has been out of the house for 2 yrs and we are almost divorced. He has been involved with someone (another a) this whole time plus some. I have been involved in al-anon and personal counseling, got a counselor for my kids, and have engaged in some family counseling with them. In the last month or so, both counselors have been encouraging me to "put myself out there". Now what does that mean? I do know this - I do not want a husband or a boyfriend, I don't want to control anyone nor have anyone control me. I just want to go out and have fun with someone who is real and "human", and enjoy his company, and have him enjoy mine. I do not want anyone in chemical recovery or involved in any other type of addictive behavior (i.e. biking).
That said, there is one person I am attracted to - he is funny, kind, smart, enjoyable to talk to, has emotions, divorced, quite a bit younger than me, really cute, and get this....drumroll..... my kids's counselor! AAAHHHH! I have really squashed this thought for the past year, but just recently I have been thinking more and more about it. It was decided a while back that the kids are doing well, and no longer need to go to counceling, nor do they have any interest in going. Toward the end, we were going more for me, for I really got a lot out of listening to the kids communicate in such a condusive and safe environment. We still have some issues, but I do think that they are more representative of normal teenage behavior than anything else. The last time I saw the counselor I was by myself (the kids both ended up with school activities they couldn't miss). We had a great discussion about the changes I have made and where I am now, as well as where he has been, and there were some subtle things that occurred that made me think that he may be interested in me as well. I am not an optimist, thus for me to think such a thing gives it some credibility in my mind. Among those was the encouragement to ask someone out, for the worst that could happen is rejection. Yeeaaah, and that is a paralyzing thought! Anyhow, I rambled on how there wasn't anybody in my life to ask - I absolutely could not say anything to him, for it just seemed like too big of a risk and I was not ready. But, time has passed and it has been on my mind a lot, and now I feel like I can, and should do it for ME. Even if I were to get the rejection I fear and almost anticipate, I think I could feel satisfied that I made the effort. It is not as if I am "in love" or anything, I just think he is someone I would enjoy spending some time with. That is it.
I have thought of all the "outs" he could have (including code of ethics - I researched that one) and have thought of listing them all out. But, that is the fearful, enabling and controlling part of me. If he needs an out, he can think of it himself. What I am thinking of doing is calling him and just letting him know that if ever comes a time when he is not in a relationship (a must, and it is unclear if he is) and would want to go out, I would be interested.
So, I send this onto all of you for your input. To be honest, I hesitate, afraid you aren't going to say what I want to hear, but I am open, for the words of wisdom on this board are invaluable.
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
I got divorced when my son was 2, he is 14 now. I didn't really work the program, everyone I attracted was an addict of some sort. Then I got an awesome sponsor, thank you Lucy, and I stayed out of relationships for almost a year. God sent me my acoa husband, he is committed and we have been married for six years now.
I too am in a similiar situation. A part of me feels like I should be dating, and sometimes there is a part of me that says NO, just take a year off and take care and focus on you and your son. I even told my sponsor of my thoughts about taking the time off for a year and just working on me and my program, and her words of wisdom were "why don't you just focus on today"??LOL. I gotta love her!
So I'm not sure "how" we know when and "who". I don't do the bar scene and have actually met some pretty nice men online, who also don't do the bar scene, of course my EXABF and I met online sooooo:)
Sometimes we just have to take a chance and do some of the foot work and then let the outcome go and know that whatever the outcome is it is for the best.
Take care of you Shelly
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
Well, I do think having the realisation that you are ready to be open to the idea of it, open to meeting people is different than being ready to start asking guys out. Good for you for feeling like you can handle a rejection. The worst it is, would be a simple "No." I learned at forty how to date. I sure didnt "date" right as a 20-something or thirty year old. I was one of the instant relationship people.
Dating out to be kept light & fun. No pressure. It's a way to get to know someone to see if there are commonalities & interests or if there is any chemistry. Take your time. I used to be very much an aggressive pursuer of men. I finally resigned to the idea that I should stop doing that and let them come to me. I changed my approach and the way in which I handled the men I would date. I stopped calling them, I let them puruse me. If I wanted to go out, I would. I was not always available however, like I had been in the past.
No one can tell you who to date -- couselors are people too - who knows.
I persoanlly was meeting people online but I realize this isnt for everybody. Maybe it feels inorganic to some. I didnt want to have to get all dressed & go out & try to talk to strangers - I'm not that outgoing. I too very much wanted control. I felt I had that online, for instance, if I began IMing someone & didnt like the conversation or their attitude or how it was going or whatever -- I didnt have any problem jus tstopping talking to someone. I didnt feel the need to explain or justify myself, which was a good improvement for me.
Like anything in life, it can be dangerous. When and if I decided to meet a particular stranger -- I would have gotten comfortable in IM, then over the phone. I would have had certain questions that I would have wanted answered. I would have had to like them a whole lot to want to go out too. Then and only then, I would meet them at a place that I said -- I often would go to a PF Chang's restaurant. It was close to my house, I felt comfortable & safe there and I liked the food & it wasnt cheap. I dont like people that arent generous, so that was another factor I would be looking for. So if it was bad or we didnt like each other in person, at least I got a meal that I thoroughly appreciated. If anything did happen, say the conversation got ugly somehow, I was fully prepared to go to staff, or ask for a police to escort me home. If I was anxious about walking outside with them for any reason, I just would have stayed inside, while they left or had the manager walk me to my car. Nothing wrong with being careful and quite frankly after my dealings with my exAH, I was paranoid & not going to trust just anybody.
I say take your time, keep it light hearted & fun. I say go for it! It is wonderful to go to shows, concerts, play games, go eat or dancing, whatever you both like!
Enjoy & good luck, keep us posted. I was scared at first but I started having so much fun, I had wondered what I was waiting for.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
For me, that advice would only add chaos to confusion. By now I know that another human being, or another relationship is NOT going to fix the loneliness and grief that this friendly advice is a response to. This advice usually comes from non-program, well-meaning friends and family. After the loss of my 26 year marriage, I am hardly ready to move on, I am still reeling, and still trying to discover myself. Just for today, I want HP to steady me, I want HP to be my rock. Because I gave this role to my husband in the past, this is a necessary spiritual lesson for me.
I have a sister who is a successful counselor and sees no personal reason for 12-step program (despite our A parents.) She believes that I will eventually "out-grow" al-anon. She believes al-anon is just another unfortunate dependence that I have. So, consider that these counselors are just "people with an opinion."
I don't know what is right for you, Lou. Only you can know. What does your sponsor think?
I gotta admit, I wish I were ready.... Like, I have a little angel on one shoulder, and a devil on the other...
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Lou, I do not have any answers for you except to give you a hug and tell you that it seems as if you are taking steps which is really great- baby steps into looking, exploring, stretching out and growing! I think that is very brave and terrific after what you have gone through. I am also really so glad to hear that your children are doing OK and your family life together is OK. What I hear you saying is that you are increasing your focus on yourself and that is the whole idea! You are not intensely placing a bunch of attention on the A- real progress.
So, date if you feel like it. Ask him- all he can say is no. But don't stop there and don't let that make you pull back- I really like what tlcate said about just getting out and doing what pleases you- take a class- I took a tai chi class and loved it and there were all sorts of cool people there and some very cute guys, too (none for me)! Go to ball games, walk around farmers markets and just DO WHAT YOU LOVE and someone is bound to notice you glowing in your joy, right?! This is what has happened to me and it happens more and more because I do what I love as often as I can. I go running, cycling, etc. You never know what could happen.
Follow your bliss- do what you love and you will become even more lovely, its guaranteed! hugs, J.
For me, that advice would only add chaos to confusion. By now I know that another human being, or another relationship is NOT going to fix the loneliness and grief that this friendly advice is a response to. This advice usually comes from non-program, well-meaning friends and family.
I can relate to this so much. When my ex-fiance walked out on me, it took years to work through the grief process. I was completely blindsided and devastated. That relationship is the one that brought me to my knees in my codependent bottom, and I made a firm commitment I would have no distractions, including dating, until I had worked through a plethora of issues that kept me making the same mistakes over and over.
I am so grateful I stayed true to myself and kept that commitment.
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
Maybe practice asking people to join you for coffee. Girls too, not just guys. "How about some coffee?" "would you like to get together for a Coke later this week?" Then move on to "Hi John, this is Lou. Well, slow but sure, you know. I actually realized I was missing our conversations, and I wondered if you'd like to get together for coffee on Thursday." Practice beforehand. If you have his email, even better - then you don't have to have the "gulp" sound in your voice (until the actual day for coffee!)
I agree with those who say it's not about knowing when you're ready to "date". Icky word. It's more about being honest, open, and willing; practicing step 4 by keeping in touch with ourselves; and pursuing the activities that give us what we need. Sometimes we don't know about a particular activity until we try it. That's okay. One coffee literally doesn't mean a thing about the future - just about the present moment. Go for it, without expectations, and enjoy.
I agree with thinks to much... it is so hard to meet people, especially when you have been isolated with an A. I have a good group of friends now and really it comes down to putting yourself out there.... I met a great couple of guys because I was out doing karaoke and sitting by them and said HI... my name is..... and put my hand out there. Now we hang out all the time. I asked for their numbers before they left because we had great conversation. My group of friends has changed a lot, mostly they are professionals, don't smoke, no drug/alcohol problems, etc. I think that's just me getting healthier and attracting healthier people maybe? As for dating the counselor that's a serious ethical issue but we all know it happens anyway. My ex husband was a former client. That's not a great example tho lol :D. If you don't ask you don't get and no really isn't that hard to hear after a while. I mean really, what do you have to lose? I meet most people being out doing what I love to do and just talking to strangers OR I meet people through other people. Your circle of friends grows exponentially once you get a few good ones.
As to knowing when you are "ready" wow..... One of my early "sponsors" told me from the beginning, don't even think about getting into a relationship until after I had worked the steps....all of them! lol
I was a little bit like...well....are you sure.... all of them? Maybe just one or two??? It was advice I took to heart. Sometimes I thought it was kind of a cop out I was using to hide, but the wisdom of it goes beyond any motives I might have for myself. Working those steps, quite simply put, works! It will help with knowing what is right for yourself, and when it is right.
Taking the time and being patient....gave me the opportunity to work on myself fully, without the distraction of being in a relationship with someone. I know me much better now.
Me being newly divorced and alone...what an opportunity that was to actually take advantage of the situation to try focusing on me. To get myself healthier and more ready for a relationship.
This does not mean I became a hermit. Far from it. I went out and enjoyed life. Made new friends..male and female.
As to the "whom" part of the question..... wow..... I think I learned some lessons there from the past.. as I have heard in al-anon many times "our pickers are broken".
I turned that over to my HP. I still have to do the footwork of course, and that means "putting yourself out there" as you say.
It is up to each of us to define what that means. Whether that be by dating services, social gatherings or just by going out side and living.... let HP be the guide.
It was advice I took to heart. Sometimes I thought it was kind of a cop out I was using to hide, but the wisdom of it goes beyond any motives I might have for myself. Working those steps, quite simply put, works! It will help with knowing what is right for yourself, and when it is right.