The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
We went to Houston for grandaughter's first communion. Was a great celebration.
I did not tell AD that we were going; eventhough it was on her birthday. I cannot be in two places at one time and we felt it was much more important to be for the first commuion celebration. And yes, it was precious!!!!
I phoned AD and of course it went to voice mail. I wished her a Happy Birthday and told her I would talk later.
She called this afternoon. Since she knew we were out of town, I lied and told her we had gone to see my husband's uncle out of state. Shame on me, but I knew the drama I would have to endure if she knew she was not invited to houston.
Anyway, she has left her husband again. He is also an alcholic and probably smoking pot. And he is a pilot!!!! He is a corporate pilot. I am honestly thinking about making a phone call to his company(and not identify myself) and suggest they drug test their pilots.
Daughter is staying with a friend of her's(an elderly gentleman), who is being much more supportative to her than I have been. Actually, I do not think I have anymore left to give her. She has drained me emotionally and I am afraid to stick my neck out there again for her. I spoke to this gentleman on the phone and he said that daughter needs moral support now more than ever. I am feeling guilty because I am not offering to take her off his hands, so to speak. Been there, done that and not willing to do that again.
What should I do????? How can I give moral support to her without offering her a place to live(with us). She is currently not working and has no means of support. Her pilot husband does not have her on his checking account, saving account and she cannot access his funds. Not only is he raking in the money being a pilot, he has 3 very productive natural gas wells on his property and she cannot touch a dime of it. What to do?????
__________________
Clara
------------------------------------ What don't kill you, makes you stronger!!!
Aloha Clara...just a suggestion? Find out where the face to face meetings are held at so that you can go as often as you can in the next 90 days and where you can pickup and read as much Al-Anon literature and sit and listen to others share their experiences strengths and hopes with you regarding what they learned to do.
Just a suggestion. Same as when I got into the program. A suggestion that worked a miracle in my life. I learned how to be honest without fear. I learned not to turn up the heat under my alcoholic's feet or any alcoholics feet for that matter. I learned that moral meant the difference between good and bad and that when I stopped trying to rescue my alcoholic and got out of the way between HP and her I wasn't being morally bad. Trying to do something I was powerless over was dishonest. Dishonesty is bad...not good...not supportive...causes resentments...always accompanied by fear...if not stopped and amended is followed by more dishonesty. You end up in a spin...as a pilot myself, I hated spins; very tight downward spirals either right or left but always avoidable. I have done more spins outside of an airplane in the disease of alcoholism. With Al-Anon spins are avoidable and I learned how to pull my way out of them. I've gotten a ding or two in the fuslage from time to time but with the face to face program I've yet to crash and burn. The alcoholic also got into recovery and last time I knew she was sober.
Keep coming back and looking out for suggestions that worked for others.
I am glad the First Communion celebration was a success.
I know you are concerned about your daughters financial and physical well being. If she is unemployed. with no direct access to money from her husband, making a call to his employer might just have a very adverse effect on your daughters financial well being. Alanon suggest that we take no action to create a crisis or to prevent a crisis from happening. Let Go of the need to "Do Something" and Let God
Please try to get to meetings. I have found meetings, Living one day at a time and praying helps.
Thanks so much for the good and comforting advise. It is my desire to get to a place where I can give advise as wise as I receive here. Thanks again for the comfort and understanding.
I do attend Al-Anon meetings. Seems like the last 2 to 3 weeks, I have had other things to take care of other than myself. I have been lax in attending my meetings. I was absoultely going today and then hubbie wakes up with a severe back ache. I will probably have to make a dr. apt. for him. He is in extreme pain and must get to doctor. I know I sound selfish, but looks like I will be taking care of him instead of myself.(God forgive me for that last statement).
__________________
Clara
------------------------------------ What don't kill you, makes you stronger!!!
You can be morally supportive & not ahve to turn your life & house over to ur AD, but it may simply take time to get there. Perhaps there are things you haven't forgive her for or you for that matter. I always have to forgive myself first, when Im working on forgiving someone else. You can take care of your husband & still take care of you, you just have to make yourself a priority too. Taking care of others does not mean, we neglect ourselves. We can do both. I'm ACoA & I didnt know how to take care of me. Once I got busy working on that, i found I could help others to. Just ahve to know where to draw the line & not attach too much, as we all need to live our own lives & do what's best for us, individually.
The chat room has daily meetings in there & is a great supplement to f2f. The hours are:
Meeting schedule: Monday-Friday...9 am and 9 pm EST, Saturday: 10am, 9pm EST(newcomers)and 9pm EST, Sunday: 10am and 7pm EST. _____ UK +5 hours, central -1 hour, mountain -2 hours, pacific -3 hours. Open chat all other times.
Go easy on yourself, be gentle. We aren't superheroes, we all need special attention & to have our personal needs met. Focus on YOU & make yourself a priority, you are worth it!
You can support your AD by just listening & being there. You also support her by working on you & your program. Holding on to guilt or worry doesn't help them or us, they're just negative emotions that waste our energy. Let it go & get back to focusing on you -- you are all u can control or change anyway & you will appreciate your own hard work!
__________________
Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
hugs! When I read your post, it seemed you answered your own question.
You don't want to choose to do anything. GREAT!!!!! Rescuing our grown kids takes away the chance for them to grow up and figure out herself.
It shows strong love to do what you are doing.She would not want you to lose any energy over her.
Believe me I know it is hard. Had a son I had to love enough to let go. And I tell ya, he is the most independant, hard worker, loving, man I know! He had to get a little hungry and figure it out. And he did.
Allowing our kids the dignity to find their own power is so important.
We do not do our grown kids any favors by rescuing them.
It was up to her to get her name on things, or possibly get a job and put money away just for her. Especially when this has happened before. See how bailing them out does nothing for them?
I had to learn this too.
I don't know what state you are in, but she can figure out what her rights are. She may be under law entitled to half the monies, home,etc.
Put it in her lap.
As far as emotions, you love her! I would say, I love you honey and I know you can figure this out and get on your feet.
Please don't interfere in your son in law's life. He needs his own bottom. I was totally over involved int he ex A's life. The over involvement cemented me to him deeply.
I'm glad you had a good time with your grand children.
my adopted daughter kicked me to the curb because i would not co-sign for a house for her.....she is SOO irresponsible...coda and married to a total user/loser......so i told her i was not risking my credit to co-sign for anyone...
she hasn't spoken to me since....changed her cell and did not give me new #...
i grieved then said "goodbye and God bless".....if it is meant to be ..let it go and it will return to thee....other wise??? i have DETACHED.....i will always love her, but i had to say "NO" and take care of me....she is 30...she can take care of herself......maybe my not enabling her will cause her to get into recovery 12 steps and she can find herself and find her self respect and self love......
i am not sorry for what i did....she would have screwed me and i would have had a mortgage (my house here is paid for and i am on SS and PT work)....my needs are met because i am careful with my money....she would pay maybe one or two payments and i would be stuck with a house i did not ...do not want......
it hurt, but i am ok....if thats all i meant to her than good bye!!!!
I have also been in this painful and dicey situation several times over and I finally learned to say a prayer and let go. I learned that all my many qualifers have their own HPs.
I had guilt issues for a while afterward - some call this afterburn - but thankfully it lessened with time.
My XAH wanted me to cosign for several financial deals that I considered risky and when I refused his anger surfaced. It took me years to straighten out the money mess we were already in and I was frankly too weary to get in any deeper. Those were some of my most difficult and painful lessons of recovery and unfortunately one of the many ways alcohol can destroy lives. My saying 'no' lead to his accusations of you don't really love me...it was very hard.
