The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi all..new to the group...thanks for being here. I normally go to three Alanon mtgs/wk and one ACoA mtg, but this week was only able to make it to one of the four. I am feeling a bit lost..lol.
I need some support and strength with a boundary issue that I am having with my father. I will describe the short version here.
My older bro., who has now passed on, was married to a woman who controlled the family to the extent that neither my bro. or his two children could maintain a relationship with my father. Frankly, both Liz (my ex SIL) and my father are in great need of some of the tools of the program, but that is beside the point. I am still grieving the loss of my bro. and I am grieving the fact that he did not have a closer relationship with my father. But, that is not my stuff and I am clear about that, have managed to stay out of it for the most part.
The current boundary issue that I am having is that I got an email from dad yesterday saying that he was not going to acknowledge my nieces wedding in any way because he got an invitation addressed to Mr. _____ and guest. He went on a rant about how he had found a great woman, and if my niece could not refer to her by her name then she was just a clone of her mother.
My first reaction was anger, then frustration, hurt and resentment. Some of my old stuff with dad came into play, abandonment issues, unavailable emotionally.... I did not act (thank my HP) by hitting reply and telling him exactly what my first reaction was... But, of course, I also did not do what I needed to WAIT, TALK TO MY SPONSOR, LISTEN FOR GUIDANCE... I got on my pity pot and called my younger bro., I suppose to manipulate the situation. He is closer to Dad. Now I am feeling guilty because Dad asked specifically for me to keep it to myself.
Here is what I have decided for the moment. I am going to fight the urge to respond to my dad directly. I am going to work on the feelings and emotions that I am having that are old stuff. I am going to allow myself to feel the sadness that I feel over his inability to "let it go" and for the alcoholic behaviors that he may not ever recognize within himself. I am going to a meeting in the morning even if I have to bring my 8 mo. old with me! I am going to talk to my sponsor sometime in the next 24 hours. I am going to stay on my own side of the street and not get tangled up in someone elses dramas. I am going to do extra readings and meditations.
Thanks, this really helped, it was my first time here, and although I talked longer than I usually would at a meeting, it felt like my sharing time there. btw I have been in Alanon for approx. 4 years, living with a wonderful partner who is in recovery and we are both growing in recovery. I thank the universe for the wisdom that has created this awesome group of people who are actively working to bring serenity into their lives every minute of every day.
Oh Josie I can hear where you are. This family stuff is so sticky and keeps sucking all of us back in. I had been programed from an early age that it was my job to fix and repair the family....that I had an obligation to do so. And although Al-Anon has taught me that I can't fix them I still have trouble maintianing my personal boundries with family memebers. I want them to have what I've found. Sometimes I feel guilty that I have program and they don't. I have the answer and they are still struggling in the dark. In our literature it states that "Al-Anon is a program of attraction rather than promotion". So it's my job to fix myself and only myself. As I change, then others will be attracted to the light and want what I have. This has freed me from taking responsibilty for cleaning up the "messes"of others. It's not my job anymore. But still, occasionally I can't help myself and I meddle. Now I make ammends for meddling. Everytime I choose to intervene I always wind up breaking confidences and doing hurful and dishonest things. My family of origin "Statment Of Purpose" states that I have to lie and be dishonest to get along. One day at a time I am being released from that charter.
I am sorry that your family is being so hurtful with each other. That must be very hard on you. Thankyou for sharing Josie! I have family issues to deal with this weekend and your share has reminded me to only own the stuff that's mine!
Hi Josie! Boundaries are a very big issue for me too--learning what they are, how to set them, how to live with the consequences, how to stand up for myself and honor my values, and so on. There's an excellent book put out by Hazelden, that's just called Boundaries. I'm sorry, I forget the name of the author, but it's a fairly recent publication. It has excellent information, and best of all, very specific examples of what does and doesn't work, regarding boundaries. Perhaps you would find this helpful in your present situation.
First off welcome to MIP, so glad to have you here! In Courage to Change pg.201, it talks about making boundaries, not walls and the difference between the two. It goes on to talk about walls being solid and ridged, keeping others out and locking yourself in. Boundaries on the other hand are flexable, removable, changeable so it's up to you how open or closed you want to be with them. That reading was sooooo important for me. When I came to alanon, I had no boudaries, i was a doormat, giving all to everyone at any expense. To apply any boundaries was beyond me, a brand new concept and instead of boundaries, i built walls which caused a whole new set of problems for me as the behavior of having no boundaries at all did. It sounds like you know just where to place your boundaries to keep you safe, but yet still open.
Your plan sounds like a good one. I often find it helps to make a plan like that when going into a difficult siuation, so I don't get carried away by other people's agendas. I love the focus on yourself, rather than others.
I have trouble with boundaries. You seem to be doing OK. My difficulty is what to do if my a son crosses one of them. I don't have the courage to do much about it. Sometimes I do a little something. We can't stop being human, can we? If all I can do is a little,then perhaps I should re-draw the boundary. Keep at it -- Gault
Welcome josie :) I enjoyed reading your post about you and your family. When we share, we all learn. I could tell you have been working your program and working it quite well may I add. People that share like you did always inspire me. your friend in recovery , cdb :)
Hmm ...I did hear and respect what you said about not directly responding ... but this popped into my head and so I felt compelled to share it .
As for the "and guest" bit ... I have seen this on wedding invites many many many times ...it leads me to believe that many folks simply feel this is the proper ettiquette , and in no way meant to offend your dad or his lady .
People planning a wedding have SOOOOO MUCH to do , it is entirely possible that the bride delegated the addressing of envelopes to another person who was in a rush to get them out , and thats how it happened
seems like the *in a huff* about this , may be your dad's deal ... and sensitivity , or the woman he is with ... sometimes people imagine a snub , a slight or even an insult when none was intended
dunno .... could be a simple misunderstanding that your dad had , which got you guys all in a tail spin ( might wann consider if this sort of thing has happened with him before ?)
just some thoughts
one last note on the wedding ettiquette thing ....
I was married to a man who comes from a wealthy family
His brother is a neighbor of david letterman ... thier briday gift registry was at Tiffany's ... there was NOTHING ON the list costing less than $600 ! I was shocked ... we don't have that sort of $ and THEY KNOW it
Any way we stretched our means with a credit card to spend $1,000 for a Tea Set that matched the bride's china ( I waited ten YEARS after my wedding to be able to afford MY tea set ...*gggrrr*)
I send it from Tiffany's and i NEVER got a Thank you note !
Talk about RUDE and NO class !
Clearly , money does NOT equal breeding ! *rolls my eyes*
hello and WELCOME !