The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The following is from "Hope for Today" > An Al-Anon daily meditation reader approved > by World Service Conference Al-Anon Family > Groups (c) 2002 Al-Anon Family Group > Headquarters, Inc > ----------------------- > > Hope for Today - May 31 > > .... I grew up believing that my behavior was supposed > to be perfect and hating myself when it wasn't. No > one actually told me I was supposed to be flawless, > but that's what I believed. My self-esteem > diminished whenever I made a mistake, didn't know > something I was expected to know, did something > wrong, or when something I unintentionally did or > said ended up hurting someone. I believed my > mistakes were proof of my failure at the one thing I > was supposed to accomplish -- perfection. > ....
######### no one came right out and *said* i had to be perfect, but the insults and putdowns when i was NOT perfect spoke volumns.....to the abuser??? nothing i did was good enough....the result was i became either a perfectionist, intolerent of me and my mistakes OR i would not do a thing....i gave up trying....."whats the use??? i will only fail...".....so it was a pendulum....over demanding that i be the best...be perfect...be flawless......or not do anything at all...just give up......i had no self esteem coz it was impossible for me to be perfect, so i was always on me...insulting me where the abusers left off....putting my down...even physical abuse to my own self for #$%$ing up........i , too, believed my mistakes and limitations and my mental/emotional illnesses wee a result and proof of my being a total defect.....i put unnecessay pressure on me, with these impossible demands that i had to be the absolute best in order to feel good about me.....it was all about what i *had* or my *performance*....all externals.....
NOW...I do my best----give over the rest----and if it aint good enough???? well i tried!!! as long as i know i did my best, folks can either "get over it" or whatever, i am not getting down on me anymore
After some time in Al-Anon, I felt I needed to > take Step Four, "a searching and fearless moral > inventory" of myself. I felt fear in approaching the > Step and shame over each imperfection for which I > would have to take responsibility. I believed my > inventory was a tally of my "goods" and "bads" that > would soon prove to God, to myself, and another > human being that I was a failure. > ....
########## step 4 , the first "go around" was no surprise, when i saw all the bad stuff, i already judged me as hopeless, it was the GOOD stuff that surprised me about myself.....that i had GOOD qualities about me was the shock.....and yea, the perp was the cause, but i am the solution.....i am responsible for me NOW....i can perpetuate the evil done to me...the dysfunction , or STOP it dead in its tracks with ME and what i do with/to ME.....and after FIVE YEARS plus of hard work...guess wot???? I OVERCAME!!!! .
After thoroughly studying this Step in Al-Anon > literature and speaking with my sponsor, I decided > to change my attitude. Humility, not humiliation, is > the long term goal of the Fourth Step inventory. The > moral inventory is not intended as a scoreboard or > report card. There are many things in my life I can't > control, but I do have choices about my attitudes > and behaviors. The real purpose of the Fourth Step > inventory is to help me develop a list of the things I > can change to make my life more spiritual, sane, > satisfying, and serene. In this context perfection is > not an option. > >
############## yea, attitude change.....lighten up on me....lighten up on others......keep focus on me and quit these *unreasonalbe expectations" out of life..people..me...things in general......humbleness rather than put downs is my goal......its not what was doen to me, it was WHAT i do with it in regards to my choices and attitudes...yea, i suffered the worst of the worst....so ok!! i lived through it....i can NOW do what i can to *bring me back* the way i was BEFORE the abuse.....with divine help i can find my CORE self and gently and that is a key word for me *GENTLY* over write this false, wounded self, with the who i REALLY am......
Thought for the Day > ..... Taking a Fourth Step inventory clarifies the things > over which I *do* have power. > > .... .... "It may demand courage and self-discipline, but > .... .... by freely acknowledging who we have been, we > .... .... can make positive changes about who we are > .... .... becoming." > ..... ..... ..... *Courage to Change*, p. 158 > > [Non-text portions of this message have been removed] > > >#########.....i am no where close to where i WANT to be, but thank heavens i am no where near where i used to be.....
thanks for sharing, I like reading these daily's. I used to think I had to be perfect too and would beat myself up if I was not. I don't do that anymore.
Wonderful Post Rosie, Good for you for breaking it down to your own understanding:) It takese courage "For I am Learning" to get to a place were we put the focus back on ourselves, and leave our past were it belongs,...
I aint what I ought to be, I aint yet what I want to be, but by the Grace of God, I'm not what I USE to be :)
Someone told me that once as well, and I hung that on my desk so I could remein myself everyday :) that YES... I have come a LONG way, but One Day at A time... I will be come "WHO I WANT TO BE!!" And NOT What OTHERS Expect me to be!! that can be a pretty good feeling in its self...
