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I have just recently started going to meetings at the end of March and am very thankful that my therapist recommended it. Since going, I have been able to be comfortable acknowledging that I need to focus on recovery of myself and not focus so much on my A and his recovery.
I have been married for 18 years and got married to my A when I was 18 years old. He has been an A and Marijuana user for all of our marriage and most of those 18 years I thought I was married to a bipolar lunatic who just had no control over treating everybody he loved like crap. I would cover it up to everybody (including my 3 kids) and tell them various stories about why he was like that. I would explain that he had mental problems and was too afraid to seek therapy. After attending my first couple of meetings with Alanon it was as if my HP opened a door for me and shined a flashlight for me to see. I started reading about the disease of alcoholism and realized that all of these years and all of this pain had been caused the alcoholism. I never thought he had a real problem and was in a lot of denial. I thought because he only drank beer that it wasn't that big of a deal and that he needed it to get through what his other problems were. I now know that his problems were caused by his drinking and drug use not the other way around.
He has now been sober for 40 days and we are working on getting our life back. The new problem that we have is that recently my therapist (who is a recovering A) told me she thinks that my A is a dry drunk. I am trying to just trust in my HP and know that this is another part of my journey but it gets tough. I want so badly to tell him what I have learned about alcoholism and that he needs help but I also don't want to nag him either. I am afraid to talk to him about it because all he wants to hear about alcohol is what a wonderful job he is doing about kicking it. Whenever I talk to him about staying sober and him getting help with his recovery he gets angry. He tells me that nobody trusts him to do this on his own and that he is ok and he doesn't need help from anybody. I want to believe that he is right but in my heart I know that he is not. I am afraid that if he doesn't get help with his recovery then I won't be able to take it and will have to leave.
Does anybody have any experience with a dry drunk? What have you done to help him and yourself get through this difficult stage?
Well, Alanon has taught me to focus on me. Then it doesn't really matter what the A is or is not.
Don't get me wrong, I still get all sorts of wrapped up in what is wrong with other people (espeically those I love or I am in a relationship with). Now, I know when I catch myself doing that that I need to re-focus myself on myself.
So, I use the program to learn about myself, take care of myself and let HP take care of those around me.
A's (alocoholics & addicts) use to disassociate from feeling emotions. Problem with a dry drunk, is they are feeling all this unresolved "stuff" (issues, emotions) & it can be extremely over whelming. Without guidance, they may as well be a ticking time bomb. It is difficult to ask for help, even when we need it. We're taught that it means something is "wrong" with you. Men (traditionally) are the providers & it's like their are 'less than' if they can't do it all on their own. Truth is none of us are super heroes. We all need support & help sometimes. Sobriety (working program - dealing w/ issues & emotions & self & abstinence) is not for wimps. It takes brutal honesty to face ourselves. We all have demons or have had bad thoughts & less than stellar behaviors.
There isn't a whole lot you can do. You can put pamphlets around or mention an idea - like AA/NA will support you but we cant make them look at them selves, deal with emotions or change their behavior.
Best thing for you to do is detach from his dryness -- detach from his actions. Focus on you. Learn how to stop enabling (making excuses, providing an easy landing for their consequences or lying for them). They will justify themselves & make their own excuses. Focsu on you, do a hobby you love, excersize, eat well, entertain your kids.
I dont know about lying to the kids about his behavior - not sure how old your kids are but that's your call. They will realize for themselves soon enough what is really going on. I grew up in this dysfunction. I knew all about drugs as a kid. It wasn't hidden from me at all. However you handle you rkids, know how impotant it is for you to be honest with them, so they can trust you. This is a family disease. Work on YOU & your issues... when one person gets recovery, it helps everyone involved. Remember your AH is an adult & time spent trying to influence, fix or help is usually wasted effort. Work on someone that will appreciate your own hard work ~ YOU. You are all u can change or control.
I realized that constantly trying to help them -- it blocks them from their own emotions & issues. If we nag them & are helpful, they resent us & that keeps them from being able to deal with themselves b/c they're busy being mad w/ us.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I have recently been reading a lot about dry drunk syndrome.
My AH was addicted to drugs and alcohol for years. He attended rehab for 8 months about 4 years ago. Since then he has had many relapses with Alcohol. He was sober for the past year (though he recently relapsed again). I've found every time he gets sober again he get extremely moody and angry at me (which he was never angry at me when he was drinking / using). I thought I was going crazy! Here he was sober, which is what I wanted for us, but in the process he turned into someone I didn't know half the time.
From what I have heard there are two types of dry drunks. Ones that have given up the alcohol but still have the "ism". Meaning even though they are not drinking they still act as though they are. Others have used drugs and alcohol for years to self medicate, and once they get sober, all the pain and problems suddenly surface. In both cases the A is not pursuing a mental, emotional or spiritual recovery, they just stopped drinking.
I lived with with my "sober" AH for the past year. He was going to AA twice a week, but not working his program. He insisted that he just didn't want to drink anymore, and that was it. He doesn't believe in god, so he doesn't think the program is for him. The past year has been miserable. I couldn't do anything right. I never knew what kind of mood he was going to be in when I got home. I got the silent treatment, controlling anger, and also the sweetheart man I love. I could never figure out what would trigger him, I would do something one day and he would be fine with it, and to the same thing the next day and it would make him very angry. I recently left him 2 months ago, because I know if I stayed I would be hurting myself more and more. It was a really tough thing for me to do, but I knew I had to do it.
I don't have children, so it made my decision to leave easier. We still talk everyday on the phone and see each other on weekends. But I have my space now. It's hard but I feel safer emotionally living apart from him at this point.
Since then we have been going to see a marriage councilor. I requested that we see the councilor separately for the first little while. Which works much better for me. I live in fear of saying anything critical in front of him, it makes him angry. Talking to the councilor alone makes me feel a lot more comfortable expressing myself without having to walk on egg shells. The biggest thing the councilor has had to say, is to take care of myself, to focus on myself and not my AH.
I have been going to Al-anon meetings, and I hear the same message. The only thing I can change is myself. It's starting to sink in for me. I am also realizing how much my life and emotions have revolved around my AH. I have a lot to work on myself. It's been quite the journey for me, and I want to focus on being happy again.
JaneG, I agree with you assessment of a "dry drunk". My AH had been attending AA for about 15 months until mid-March and then he stopped. He's not sure AA is really for him and he's not sure if there really is a HP and he can do this on his own.
Only problem is, is he is a "dry" drunk! And, has slipped occassionally in the last month and half into drinking. We are currently seperated, at his suggestion (or possibly the disease suggested), and I am attending Al-Anon. My life was exactly as you describe, one day I could do something one way and he would be great with it, the next day, doing it the same way could bring all sorts of anger. Right now he has lots of anger and resentment towards me and it goes back all the way to when we met 21 years ago!!! Now, in those 21 years I have never heard the things he has to say about me now! I think you said it right when you said all the pain and problems suddenly surface and they look to blame the person closest to them, which is usually their spouse.
I have come to realize that I can not change the past, I can only change myself. And, by coming here and f2f meetings a couple of times a week, I have learned so much. I have also been told that learning all I can about the disease makes it so much easier to live with.
We are also in marriage counseling and I do like it when I see the counselor by myself. When we're together I just don't want to say anything that will agitate but also understand that sometimes he is going to have to face the truth!
Dry drunks are simply that, someone not working the program, not working the steps, just merely "acting" as all good addicts do!!
i know about "dry drunks"...my ex's would do that....dry out..stop drinking, but the "isms" were still there....
one has to work on the personality conflicts and wounds and survival tools they learned as a child to be able to be healthy....sobering up alone does not cut it....the messed up mind and emotions are still there.....its so sad...i have a brother who is my "pal" but i have to put a "shelf life" on how long i can talk with him.....when i get overwhelmed, i just say "gotta go do xxx" and i end the conversation because i just get overwhelmed with his stuff.....rosie
I'm fairly new to AlAnon and joined in the thought that I was helping my Asober-bf. He is a different person from even 4 months ago. All anger and attitude. His affection and loving nature towards me almost completely disintegrated. Now I'm mean, I "start" with him all the time, I've changed, I'm just like everyone else. One night he yelled how he was a dry drunk and I'd have to deal with it b/c he had no time for recovery anymore.
When I met my bf he was going to AA almost every night. Anytime he had a big decision or even a bad day he would "go to the rooms" as he called it and share. He was wonderful and I fell in love with the guy I had always dreamed of. We were friends first and he confided in me about everything. One drawback, he has several kids (not the drawback) and each has a different mom (drawback). it's tough dealing with all these women's emotions towards him but we were a team and strong. the kids are great. But with all the support he had to get a second job. And gone was anytime for him, for sleep, for us. I went from a strong path of heading towards commitment to barely hearing from him. He talked suicide. He fooled around with different girls, always coming to me saying i was his soulmate and he loved me but he had voids to fill, that I didnt understand. Several times I wanted to walk away but I felt I'd be turning my back on someone who needed me and who I loved. but staying true was lonely.
this past holiday season we got together in a committed relationship, he promised me he'd work on himself and go to meetings again, get himself back. And he did for a while, and life was like I remembered it, until surgery caused him to miss three weeks of work and the child support backed up. He's been working day and night again and he's meaner than ever. I felt like I was losing my mind and that's when I found AlAnon. as a "last resort" to show him I cared as he screamed I didn't. What I found was peace of mind for me. I found people that understood, that cared, that knew I wasn't crazy. I'm now learing about the disease and dry drunk syndrome and I'm trying to seperate them from him. Trying to learn to detach.
I didn't mean to ramble on so much! I just wanted you to know I'm where you are and understand what you're going through and to keep coming to AlAnon. It saved me and I know it can help you!
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"Change is the essence of life. Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become."
