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EXABF and I have been broken up for almost 6 mths now and I am beginning to date again. It is HARD! I know I am not ready for a serious relationship and have made it a point to let whomever I date know this upfront. I have been dating here and there, no intimacy involved, as I know I am not ready for that yet after all I have been/am going through. The men I have dated, thus far, are "normals"....kind, caring, not A's and not dysfunctional. Both men I have dated recently I have known for years and been really good friends with, they are great guys-which is probally why I never dated them to be honest-lack of excitment. I am sure somewhere along the line that I will also date men who don't know me or my history with A's or my need for Alanon. There are two who have recently asked me out and I have talked with them and would like to date but I am really afraid of dating someone outside of the program. How do you explain it to someone who has no idea about the disease or the pain it has caused? How do you tell someone "I'm not really in a position for a sexual or serious relationship right now because I'm in recovery because I'm sick and am just learning to understand my own thought process?" and not expect them to run like heck? I mean, I am not dead, I do desire to eventually, when I am well enough, be a part of a normal relationship and be with a man again-but right now that very thought MORTIFIES me to no end, and at my age not a lot of men are going to understand, and I can't say as I would blame them. I read that grace seldom looks the same to those on the outside looking it. I know I am not capable of much in the form of a relationship right now, but I do have the desire to date, and be close to men and be treated well, and see what "normal"(for lack of a better word:)) people do, and eventually want to be with a normal man again, but I know that most men are going to run for high ground when I begin to share my story with them. Any ESH would be greatly appreciated....many thanks MIP family.
keeping it simple,,,,,,,,still taking baby steps:) shelly
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
IMO, there's no need to share your story until there is something serious going on, and you admittedly aren't ready for that for quite some time. You're right in that the best way to make a guy run is to talk about old BF's and talk like you are damaged goods.
I often remind people that things that happen in our lives affect us but it is not who we are. My suggestion would be to discover who you are first. Then decide if they even need to know. It's much more positive to hear how someone overcame, rather then how devastated they were left.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I am with Christy on this one... WOW I loved that last line.. Eye Opener ;) Thanks Christy.. For you have opened my thoughts even more :P
"It's much more positive to hear how someone overcame, rather then how devastated they were left."
You are use to putting it on the line and there is nothing wrong with that, but :) "I say this lovingly"... Sometimes its ok to have your own secrets, if gives them something to look forward to down the road.. :) They don't have to know every DOWN THING... Tell them what YOU Are, Who You Are, and save some secrets for the future...Your not lieing to them, you are just saving something for yourself :) Its OK :) And you'll be fine :)
I agree with Christy. There is no need to talk about your past with someone you are just "dating". I did that so many times. Luckily, the guys I confessed all to on the first date were really swell and didn't hold it against me. Ofcourse, thinking back on my "story" that I threw up all over them, I was mortified and declined dates after that.
It happens. Dating is hard work. I am divorced with no contact with ex now for 2 years and still I screw it up.
I dated in the beginning simply for my ego. Today, I date for fun. I am not looking for anyone to fill a hole left by ex, or to give me a sense of security, or a sense of myself. Those needs are filled by me and HP today. And a man's company is simply for fun.
I do hope to find a man I am attracted to and click with but hopefully not an A. I have no clue as to what the future holds and that is ok for today.
Good luck Shelly and remember that you owe nothing to anyone no matter what.
P.S. I know a "normal" and when she was dating her now husband, I asked her if she had told him about her past dating history (which was "normal" also) and she said no. I was SHOCKED!!! I mean, I believe my ex and I had told each other EVERYTHING about our histories within the first 10 minutes of meeting each other. Literally. I have used that idea that as I approach dating. A guy I am dating, no matter how much I like them doesn't have to know all the gory details. Ever. After all, I am moving forward, not looking back. If it's not relevent to the relationship I am in, why share?
-- Edited by serendipity on Thursday 30th of April 2009 12:19:21 PM
Dating ought to be kept light & fun. It is a way to spend time w/ someone to get to know them a little, to see if you want to know them more deeply. Took me to forty to realize that & I was in a relationship.
I used to use sex as a way to get to know someone & rush the involvement. Then months later, would think, 'if I knew them better I'd never have had sex with them'. -ugh
Since al-anon, is anonymous, there is no reason to "out" yourself. Also this stuff is heavy, deep & very personal.
Take your time & get to know them slowly. Enjoy the activities. Remember there is no rush to divulge too much - the past is the past, anyway, we all have one. Focus on the present. Let them ask you questions & u dont have to answer them all. Relationships/friendships unfold in time. Every one I ever tried to rush, didnt go well or end well.
I learned to not attach instantly to others but to focus on me. I didnt always return calls, I let them chase me. When I first met my b/f I was struggling with focusing on me & I told him all about al-anon. He saw me struggle w/ boundaires & detachment. Even though I told him all about what was up in my head - I WAS focused on me & discovering self-love. So I didnt smother him or chase him. When he wanted to see me & I felt like it, I saw him. He is the nicest, most considerate guy. But I had NO expectations of him. He kept coming around. I wasn't that attracted at first but he grew on me. And I liked how he treated me - he was considerate & kind.
I used to think nice guys were boring too but i didnt feel like I deserved it before. Once I changed, the men that were interested in me, changed. We became friends first, so far it's working - now we live together.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
From where I come from normal is "The cover looks fine but whats under the cover isn't very acceptable". Since the problem is me, and I accept that, normal is at at times insane. Normal is at other times what I am not use to and therefore odd and foreign. I gravitate toward "my" normal, what has become usual for me and because of that I have had guidance and support from others and this program of recovery. "I do not have a new set of eyes...I have a different way at looking at things."
I am dating someone and its going really really well. He is an old flame. we both have gone through some massive changes over a decade. we are on "chapter 2" and its really sweet.
I do not live in a b & w world anymore and there are many shades of grey. I guess I do not see it as an "innie" or an "outie" (of program); I think everyone on the face of the earth has been affected by addiction somehow, to be perfectly honest. there is a wide spectrum out there.
just go slow. keep it real simple. most importantly HAVE FUN and don't analyze the heck out of it! I find it works the best when I keep the focus on me and treat myself well. I have found I really like how this man treats me when we are together. Of the greatest importance: he makes me laugh, for real. Hugs, J.
(((shelly))) I started dating one year after ending my a marriage. It was rocky I guess because, the only thing I really knew is that I wanted to be out with someone my own age, and I steer clear of bars.....too many bad memories there. I dated a few men, who were normal I guess, but to me, they weren't. I guess living through this has changed us to our own type of normal. Now I am dating a man that I firmly believe that my hp has arranged for me to meet. He knows alot of my past, that I let out when the time was right, such as.......why did I react in such a way?? I've never kept anything from him on purpose, just didn't really like talking about it. But when I did tell him anything , my thought was this is who I am and if he likes me, he'll have to accept this part of me. He's always listened with complete support. So I guess what I'm saying is when the time is right and the man is right it will all work out, our hp has this great plan for you. .........and for me, too.....he proposed this week.....and after I said yes, I said i'm so scared.......lolol...so I'm in my alanon meeting, keeping my head where I like it, on straight
IMO, there's no need to share your story until there is something serious going on, and you admittedly aren't ready for that for quite some time. You're right in that the best way to make a guy run is to talk about old BF's and talk like you are damaged goods.
####### AMEN to this!!! i don't tell anyone my story, UNLESS they need to know.....as to old ex's, i agree again....they are GONE.....don't need to bring up the old war stories.....as to the damaged goods?? i used to tell my story , well i had to on the boards untill i did not need to talk about it anymore...but i kept it on the BOARDS...in MEETS....SPONSOR.......NOT with friends i wanted to be around in the "world".....it was not their business and to me???? i would have to have a heck of a trust situation built b4 i told anyone my awful story....
I often remind people that things that happen in our lives affect us but it is not who we are. My suggestion would be to discover who you are first. Then decide if they even need to know. It's much more positive to hear how someone overcame, rather then how devastated they were left.
######## i have always said...."there is nothing wrong with ME, but there IS something wrong with what happened to me"....my trauma does NOT define who i am......the "me" part of me is what God created and what is still there as my authentic self and i am finding her with each passing day...everytime i work my program, i find more of me...the REAL me...not the wounded, fearful, frozen trauma survivor.....that is NOT me but something that happened to me.......and yes, i want to discover myself and still love me inspite of the imperfections..work on my relationship with my HP and THEN, when timing is right, MAYBE find someone...if it is in my plan it will happen at the right time.......and yes, i agree....i OVERCAME!!!!! and that is what i would share.....that I OVERCAME.......
