The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been seeing a great guy for the past 3 months and am moving next month and have really been trying to encourage him to move in with me. Mostly because I want to see him as much as possible and we work opposite schedules and partially because I would like to save the money that him paying half the expenses would allow. It would have a HUGE impact on my ability to do things for my kids that I can't do now.
First, I want to say we have an incredible connection and he does not drink, smoke, use drugs, etc. So I guess it's safe to say this is the most rational relationship I have ever been in.
My concerns are:
1. He is very young (24) and does not have experience living with someone else (other than college - he currently lives with parents) and I'm scared of what that may mean in terms of being self responsible in the home and his expectations of how things will be since he has no experience.
2. I have a multitude of issues with my two oldest children which we are working with an intensive in home family counselor on but I'm not sure he has the patience or werewithall to deal with living in an environment where there is fairly regular chaos. Right now they are testing him to see how far they can push and what will be tolerated but I'm not sure he has the long term vision to see that it will get better. He has NO experience with children at all and I'm not sure if all the love in the world is enough to make up for their behavior and make it worthwhile. He has come to some of the counseling meetings though and shows some effort/interest.
So I love this guy and part of me feels like we should just do it and if it works it works and if it doesn't it doesn't and the other part feels like I'm setting myself up for pain and disaster for me and my kids - that's just what they need to see - another guy out the door. Of course we'll never know how it's going to turn out unless we do it.
I wonder if the jump into part is the old me and the proceed with caution part is the new me? In the past we would have met and he would have moved in the next day! Three months seems like an eternity and just thinking about that seems so crazy, I wish I had more patience!
(((Carolinagirl)))) I think your insight into the old and new you is quite accurate, and your desire for patience I more than understand. From my personal experience 1 year was not long enough to even begin to know someone however I have seen people that were together for 10 yrs, move in and split up claiming the same thing. My EXABF was younger by 4 years, but really emotionally I found he was much younger. I didn't see that until the rose colored glasses came off and I stepped back some, and then it was quite clear. Take your time, enjoy your relationship, your new, HEALTHY relationship. Give your children time to adjust to the move before having them deal with anything else. Just keep it simple.....follow your head:)
Your friend in recovery shelly
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
No one but you can tell you if YOU are ready to make such a Big Step... All I can give is this... I have dated the young, and I have dated and married the old...lol... BUT in my relationships, of old... I would jump in like you with both feet and worry about the struggles once they got there... However, now... Being a MOM... I Can't take that chance... There is no "Time Limit" on such things, I know that in Al-anon, they tell you to NOT make any big changes till you offer yourself 6 months to weigh out the pros & cons of it all..
If your children are having such problems maybe you could sit down with them and see what the kids thoughts are.. They are the child but it is your choice, but sitting with them and talking openenly about it, may give them a chance to tell you their own thoughts and fears... "if he was to move in" and once you have spoken to them, see were you HP leads you then..
Personally, I think your fears are Very Warranted... For none of use know what tomorrow brings, Pray on it, Stay on it, and see were it leads you... Yes it would help you with your finances, but would it help you with your relationship, with BF and your children... Money is NEVER everything, and tho it would help to free up some of yours if you had the help, I would think that your realtionship and the health of you and your family should be more of the cause then money alone...
Go to HP and let us know what you come up with :) Take what you like & leave the rest ... :) Love & Prayers Jozie
((cg)) What comes to my mind is, "when in doubt, don't". Seems to me the "just do it" approach is an attempt to force a solution that could impact not only you and your guy but your kids as well. Just my impression...
Turn it over to your HP and go from there. Easy Does It, sweetie!
You have some big changes coming up CG, namely a new home, and dad out of jail and possibly a part of your kids' lives (in whatever form that takes). Those are two HUGE adjustments for your children already, and the dynamics of adding another man (father figure) directly into the picture, well, I don't think it would be as simple as "if it works it works, if it doesn't it doesn't". You really like this guy, so what situation has the greatest possibility of success? I think if you re-read your post you have already answered you own questions.
Focus on the new "me". You've had enough "pain and disaster" to last a lifetime. Remember, nothing changes if nothing changes....
I am following you on this journey and wish for nothing but the best.
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
My last live-in was the ex-fiance, 10 years ago. When he walked out on us, that was when I hit my codependent bottom, and for the first time it was no longer just about me and my pain. I finally saw the pain in my youngest daughter's eyes, and in my then 3 year old granddaughter.
I also agree wholeheartedly with Lou in that your children are already dealing with huge adjustments. In my opinion, having a live-in boyfriend is not in their best interests.
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
