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As you know, I had found empty bottles in the house. Since then, I've been feeling very resentful towards my husband. I feel like any meeting he goes to (if he really goes) and his Out-Patient program is just a sham. I feel like I've done so much since he's gotten out of detox and he it's all been for nothing (except my al-anon meetings of course because those are for me). I found more empty bottles this morning just sitting in the trash can in our shed (I didn't have to dig for them, they were in plain sight).
I have to wonder, does he want me to find these? Does he want me to ask him about it? Is asking him about it an Al-Anon thing to do, or am I just supposed to ignore it and let his HP take care of him?
Those are all really tough questions, and I don't pretend to know the answers.... I do know, from my experience, that my AW used to have the same hiding spot for her bottles all the time, so I used to wonder the same thing.... When reading your post - I'm reminded of the immortal words of my sponsor:
Concern yourself with the "whats" and not the "whys".... The simplest distinction between the two is to ask yourself the question - "if I knew the answer to the question that is bothering me, would it REALLY change anything?"
I think we have to ask ourselves what we are gaining sometimes.... to "confront" an A that...... he is drinking??? Lol... it's sheer lunacy, is it not? I figure that he will react in one of two ways: 1) deny it, despite the evidence; or 2) twist it around to somehow blame it on you, or someone else.
Turning it over is a key, of course.... you can't do his recovery for him, and the three C's apply to his sobriety, equally as much as they apply to his drunkeness....
All you can do is work on you, get yourself healthy, and make plans for how you are going to deal with things going forward. That could be with or without your A in the picture - nobody knows the answer to that one at this time...
Take care of you
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I feel like I've done so much since he's gotten out of detox and he it's all been for nothing (except my al-anon meetings of course because those are for me).
Oh how well I can relate to those feelings, only my EXAH had just got done doing a year in the penitentiary for a parole violation. He came home and I made sure we got married right away! I didn't have Alanon back then, hadn't even heard of it!
I had sacrificed so much for him! I put myself in dire financial straits in order to pay for the very expensive collect calls he made on a regular basis from prison. I piled up in the car with his parents every weekend to visit, and it was a lengthy drive. I wrote him countless letters encouraging him to hang in there, that I was there for him 100%!
I don't think it was a week before he was back to his old ways, drinking whiskey and popping pills.
Little did I know then, but came to see years later after my introduction to Alanon that I had played the perfect martyr, wringing my hands, wailing about everything he had done to me, and I had done nothing wrong!
Today I accept my part in that relationship/marriage, and recognize it for what it was, all based on fantasy thinking, and I had turned out just like my mother with the martyr attitude. Ouch, owning my stuff can be painful!
I am so grateful that all my hard work in Alanon paid off, and I am comfortable with myself. I no longer need, nor do I want the insanity of active alcoholism in my home. My days are peaceful, there is no walking on eggshells, and certainly no resentments over an A in my home.
Today I have the right to live that way, and I am!
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
Well again - u must have better things to do than to count bottles , why is the most usless question on the planet , unless of couse our little kids are doing the asking . It say s in the AA literature , all thats required to become a member is THE DESIRE TO QUIT DRINKING ---- he is still going to meetings and his outpatient prg ,so he hasn't quit trying , who knows he may just hear what he needs to hear at one of those sessions and have a light bulb moment . get the focus back on yourself , the way he works his program is none of your business ,he will figure it out or he won't , u worrying about it won't change a thing . He isnt fooling anyone at his meetings I would bet they are aware that he is drinking , as they say u cant con a con . Leave him to God an AA and take care of YOU.
Mom it isn't really about you. It's about him and his life threatening disease. Alcoholism doesn't care about what you want or what you feel or what your values are or expectation. It's about getting him alone, getting him drunk and then getting him dead. You cannot control this disease just as much as you can't control diabetes, cancer, tuberculosis or any of them. You can be angry, upset and unhappy and what I found for me is that it is best to feel those way with others who understand...like MIP!! (here you are). This is a disease not a game. When you find the bottles or just suspicion he is drinking those in recovery know how to deal with that. It is the very opposite of how we use to deal with it before program.
Love him unconditionally at the same time include yourself and everyone else you can think of. Have compassion for anyone who is suffering from and/or has a life threatening disease. Don't make it worse for you or for anyone else. Participate in your own treatment/recovery.
Keep coming back because this works when you work it. (((((hugs)))))
I can really relate to this post -- I was SO resentful of my A's for so long, years after I was in the program, I was still very angry & hurt. Holding on to the past, being infuriated about the present & future. I hated what my A was doing (my step dad especially) and I wasnt able to forgive what he had done to my mother or our family. I still have anger issues & things I have not been able to forgive. I can sit here & bring it up now & it only frustrates me. All the money he spent gambling, the prostitutes, the little abusive things he said over the years, the car wrecks -- I could go on & on, thrity years of having this man in my life, coming between my mother & I. At least before I moved a few months ago, I told my mother how sad & sorry I am that our relationship has been influenced by such horrible negativity. She said, "oh, you mean A" - yes I mean the A. And I know I'm still a bit angry with her for allowing him to come between us but it is what she chose & manifested.
I'd feel like it was so easy for them, to just not care. I thought long and hard about if I would like a life like that, being numb & essentially afraid to face himself in the slightest way. Not knowing their feelings & not wnating to. How can they do that? How can they not want to feel or care about anything? Their life must be a terrifying experience in which at every corner, they will be found out for the sham & con artists they are. As abbyal said, they know what he's doing at the mtgs, they can see the writing on the wall, they've been there.
Who knows why he wants you to see the bottles, clearly he's not hiding them. Trying to understand the mind of an active A is like a maze in alice in wonderland, you will get lost in noncongruent & nonsequitor ideas. It is not logic that fuels them but an insatiable compulsion. Trying to talk to them, is like trying to predict patterns in a kaleidescope.
I feel your anger & frustration. I really do. Talking to your AH may help, it might not. He might not be able to answer honestly, he probably doesn't know why himself. He may lie to you about it. Our feelings & issues are so personal. They dont want to be the people they are, they just cant run far enough or escape fast enough and trying to dig & understand only results in futility -- I've tried myself & the answers are non-conclusive at best. Maybe when he has a few years of sobriety, he can explain it to you, if he even wants to. I can only imagine they feel like they are drowning in a abyss. But I do think, that by getting into it with him, will only fuel his anger & defesniveness, which wont help his progress.
I doubt his outpatient program is really a sham but it is true that he might not be really applying himself. He might not ever be able to be what you hoped for or thought you saw (potential) in him. The best way for you to emotioanlly support his program, is to get your nose down into your stuff & leave him alone.
My therapist a few years ago, said 'you can't expect to forgive or let go of everything all at once or b/c u want to. It's a process that will take time, do it in layers.'
Anger comes after pain/hurt. I would suggest you get deep into that anger & down to the pain of what caused it & let that go/forgive it. Not for them but for you. As long as we are angry or unforgiving of another, we are tied to them. Once we forgive, we are free of it. It is for our benefit, not theirs.
I used to write hate letters to ppl that of course I never sent but it feels so good to get it out & in black & white. Off your chest, out of your heart/mind on onto paper.
Try to focus on you thereby not focusing on what he is or is not doing. He (and every other adult) will do exactly what they want to ultimately anyway -- all we can control is ourselves. The sooner you step out of trying to help or fix him and focus YOU soley, the happier you will be.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Detaching is extremely difficult when the stuff is right in your face. You don't have to wonder why he is doing this, how he is doing and what he considers. He is lost in his addiction. The book Getting them Sober may give you some really grounded material to know all about the disease.
I know I was always beside myself. I could still be there if it wasn't for al anon. Detaching and focusing on you often feels like the last thing to do but it is actually the first.
You know, I have come to see that when we persue these behaviors we're as sick as they are. We make ourselves crazy trying to gain insight on them, when there's nothing to understand, the facts are all there. And, you know, the mroe we try to analyze a factual situation, the more we make ourselves crazy. A good friend who's gone to the big meeting in the sky called this "analysis paralysis:" we get so in our head we don't live in the solution. There's a philisophical theory called "occum's razor" and it goes something like this: in any natural phenomina, the more complicated the phenomina, the more simple the solution. For example, when you look at a picture of space, the more complicated the mathematics, the simpiler it really is. I apply this to alcholism: it seems really complicated because we make it complicated, but it really isn't. Alcholics are who they are. So are we. Trying to figure them out is a lost cause, one I passionately persued for years until I was too exhaused to do it my way anymore. If that's what you need to do, go for it. But I gotta tell you, I lost my mind doing it. Put it this way: Pigeons do what pigeons do. Sit under their tree, they'll poop on you. Drunks do what drunks do. They drink.
