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I have been involved with an alcoholic for almost two years now. When I first met him I didn't know that he was an alcoholic. He stated that he just didn't drink and I was fine with that since I am a social drinker. About a month into our relationship he admited to me thathehad a problem. I never say him drink and we never really talked about it. I would sometimes bring it up but he just dismissed the topic or briefly woud recount evets and it was so hard to wrap my head around it because I could ever picture him like that. It did concern me that he wasnt being active in his recovery more then just not drinking... He would often say that he couldn't wait unil he could have one drink and know that he wouldn't need anymore. Our relationship was never easy.. he is selfish and I caught him doing some internet dating and posting of pornographic stuff that he claimed was just something to pass time because he is a pilot and had a lot of time to himself. I don't believe that he actually followed through on any of that and there have been plenty of times that he could admit to me that was the case. We lived long distanc for the last 8 months of our relationship and I never trusted him. He had a bad aloholic binge that landed him in the ER for withdrawl symptoms last JUly and that was the first time I really got a good grip on his drinking. That was the first time since I had met him and he drank in his house for 7 days straight... didnt go to work, didn't call anyone, nothing.He would average 4 to 6 bottles of wine a day and would drink to prevent the horrible feeling after he drank. It's like anxiety kept sneaking in and he would kill i with a glass full of red wine. I went to see him and after being really shaked up a week or two he felt better. He went to a counselor for two sessions before deciding that she was full of crap. He said AA doesn't work for him because he can't relate to anyone there. So we actually broke up in Feb because he never wanted to really commit to me and he said that we wanted different things out of life. He then started dating a woman that he worked with that had lost her husband in a car accidient only 7 weeks prior. I was devistate but he said that I was too controlling for him. He always pushed me away and I always just accepted what he was willing to give because I loved him. In almost two years he never met my family and only certain friends. I always made excuses for him because he had a lot on his plate or because I didn't want to put him in a "drinking" situation but when he started dating this girl he wanted to be normal so he would drink when they went out. Socially at first but then she told him that she only needed a friend and he started drinking heavy. I never walked away completly from him during this time so we still talked off and on. He woud call me and I knew that he didn't sound himself. to make a long story short a few days later he was in a week long binge where he was calling me every hour telling me that he just needs to feel loved and he was so intoxicated. he was drinking bottles and bottles of wine a day and not making any sense at all. He would call me and try to have phone sex and telling me that he wanted us to get back together. I finally convinced him that he needed to take himself to the er instead of keeping the alcohol in his system to prevent the withdrawls. He did that and they gave him an iv of some med and sent him home with these anxity pills. he was pacing back and forth and sweating and his mind was crazy. He came to visit me a couple of days later because he needed to be taken care of and when I got home from work he seemed really screwy so I found out he had taken like three more pills then he should of and the next day I found a jim beam lael in my toilet, I guess he hid a small bottle in there so I wouldn't find it... This is while he was getting sober. He stayed sober while he was here and now he is back to himself and not drinking I guess. He was asking us to get back together and asking if I would move to florida and live with him. It's funny though because everyday that goes by his calls get less and less and he doesn't seem like he needs me as much. He told me yesterday that he wants us to try but it has to be really slow. I can't ask him a lot of questions or pressure him in any way because he can't take it rigjht now... I don't really understand what he means, All I hear when he says that is that he wants to do whatever he wants but wants tlo know that I am there for him... I have a hard time knowing what is a lie and the truth with him anymore and he says how at piece I make him feel and how I get him but he can't make any life decisions right now. I know that he isn't a great boyfriend but I just don't what him being an alcoholic brings to the table. He needed me so much within the last couple of weeks and now he seems to need me less. I thought that I would briefly explain and maybe someone could shed some light on this being alcoholic behavoir and I thik it's also very selfish. Itry to talk to him about getting involved with his sobriety like AA or counseling but he doesn't seem to worried about it... What is my best course of action? I told him last week that I would be willing to give this a try if he seeks help but he hasn't yet...
What you have been experiencing IS alcoholic behavior. Porn, women, selfishness, denial, binging, secretive, manipulative, false promises, even saying AA doesn't work for him. He isn't working AA would be why it doesn't work for him. Nor does it sound like he wants it to. That would mean giving up alcohol and not pretending that he could ever have one drink. Alcohol is a progressive disease that promises to take him down and anyone that signs up to go with him. He doesn't want questions from you because that requires answers.
The one thing that stood out in your post is him asking you to move to FL. RED FLAG!! Please consider the position he will have you in if you should do so. Many have moved to other states and found themselves trapped with no friends or family and no money to get out. Should you choose to continue this relationship Alanon will be imperative for mental survival. I think you've already set the bar by asking him to get help before you consider anything. He hasn't done it, so there you are, your answer. As long as he is active you will never be first over alcohol. Be true to yourself and don't consider it until he does. We call that setting boundaries for our own protection. Once they are set we really try to stay true to them. If we don't then whatever we say has no meaning. Since you have made yourself clear the ball is in his court. You need do nothing more where he is concerned but sit back and watch.
The disease is cunning and baffling and will do whatever it takes to survive. Attending meetings will enlighten you and give you the needed tools.
The 3 C's: You didn't Cause it, you can't Control it, and you can't Cure it.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I agree with Christy 100 per. cent == come here go way is also typical he is willing to have u in his life on his terms , when he needs you . He is looking for someone to save him from himself and that just ain't gonna happen . No one can save the alcoholic except himself he either commits to sobiety or this will continue- each slip getting worse and closer together until he is back full blown in his disease . You are not the reason he drinks and u will probably not be the reason he quits , if he dosnt do this for himself it just won't stick .Like christy said if you choose to stay in this relationship your going to need support and Al-Anon will give u what u need . Louise
I hope you will consider attending an Al-Anon meeting. You will gain so much understanding about alcoholism and how it affects those who are associated with alcoholics.
I agree with the previous posters. I urge you to re-read your post in a few days, or a week, and see what you think of it and your situation with a different frame of mind. Also, whether you continue your relationship or not, you may want to consider going to face to face alanon meetings. To qualify for alanon you must be a family member or friend of an alcoholic. It sounds to me like you qualify. I've learned so much about myself in alanon and I've being given tools to help me tailor make my life into what I want for myself, rather than living on the sidelines of someone else's life. Please consider face to face alanon meetings in your area. Also, stick around the board, there are lots of great people on here who are very helpful and open with sharing their experiences, strength and hope.
Wow, your post brought back some memories for me ~ btdt been there done that got the t shirt & the key chain. As crazy as it all seems/is the truth is, it will get worse & worse, sadly. Once they are fairly bad or noticeable, then you really see how intense, crazy & the hellish insanity addiction is. You said you no longer trust him & with good reason - trust is earned. A's need to be enabled & taken care of. They are master manipulators & soul sucking vampires that will take your time, energy, money, self esteem - u name it, they will try to take it from you. I used to think I was a "nice person" when all I was doing was feeding an insatiable desire for more. Addicts/alcoholics can also substitute one form for another, like work or sex as addictions as well. I know a lot of work a holics that are "dry" alcoholics. You were keen to spot he wasnt really working his program either. Just abstaining (being dry) is not the same thing as sobriety. It takes fearlessness, willingness to want to look within and take responsibility to change.
I'm surprised he even admitted he had a problem to you but you can't really hide ducking out for a week or being at the ER. Denial is what keeps them where they are.
Getting to meetings, listening to others & where they've come from & where they are now is not only inpirational as it gives us hope in the beggining but we can learn how they did it & do it too. I grew up with a mom who had an abusive alcoholic mom. Well no one in the family will say nana was an A. The way victims portect their abusers - well, let's just say my whole family tree is very sick with addiction & codependcy. My mom taught me all the characteristics of a codie, so of course I was just like her. In my adult life, I've changed but growing up & all of the issues I had - let's just say it was a struggle. I could remember being happy, when I was five.
I guess, and this might not sound good initially but you are very lucky he is calling less. Hopefully he is finding other ways/ppl to enable him. Being all involved with an A and then trying to disentangle yourself can be extremely difficult. A lot of A's won't give you up without a serious fight and that abuse is incredibly dangerous.
They dont love themselves, it's how they can abuse us so easily. They lie to themselves, so naturally they lie to everyone else.
You can support him emotionally but that's all u can do. You can't get them to stop or change them. Certainly cannot fix another human being. You can focus on YOU and detach from his issues & problems, this will allow you to put your energy back into you, where it will do some good. A's need us - they want to be your cause, your problem, the only thing you think about. Although they will deny what they are doing while they are doing it.
I do believe that relationships build upon the last one. Either you will see that your rleationships will have a similar tone or thread & you may be attracting the same sort of people to you. If you dont learn from your relationships, they get worse & more difficult & abusive (is what I noticed). I began doing a lot of deep self analyisis b/c all I knew in life is that I could not be with one more A. If that emant being alone forever, I was going to accept that. I got busy focusing on me & discovering what it is to love yourself. A year later, I met a non-A whom I now live with. My life has changed completely. I still have A's in the family (& I include my mom in that b/c she was my first codependent realtionship) but I have developed inner & outer boundaries. Today thanks to al-anon, I have a way to cope & a fellowship of support. Today I have a life that does not revolve around another person's use or emotional baggage.
Focus on YOU and what you want & need. This site also has a chat room that has two daily online meetings & 24/7 chat. It can really help to talk to someone else that has been in your shoes. This forum has been a life saver for me.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Sara, I'm a newbie to Al-Anon, but I want to tell you what landed me here.
I'm married. I was looking forward to my 10 year anniversary January 1st this year and trying to figure out how to celebrate, when I discovered my husband - 3 kids later - was having an affair, scouring the internet dating sites, abused porn and probably more.
This has been the worst time of my life. I too, thought he needed me to get better. We went to counseling and the therapist said he was an alcoholic. I'll be honest and say I wasn't even sure of it at first, but thanfully, I started reading. I attending a meeting and didn't go back for 2 months. Now I attend al-anon f2f meetings weekly and here online. I have read 2 co-dependent books, have my ODAT book, and a few others and am learning about this crazy disease and it IS crazy. It's crazy on all levels for them and mainly you. You have to STRUGGLE for peace. I struggle every day trying to find it. It's coming but at a snails pace.
My husband has a good job, he's high functioning, AND no one we know would say he's a drunk. Everyone we know drinks though. So, it's acceptable.
He's now a dry drunk. Haphazzardly working an AA program. He's angry a lot, isolated, and has a hard time even talking about his addiction. It's taken me a LONG time to get to a point to not ask about it, not talk about it, and not address it unless HE wants to bring it up. Before, I would find meetings for him, let him know the time and day, get him directions...CRAZY!!!! I'm learing how enabling I really am and am trying very hard to understand that, and work on it. I do it a lot and am making small progress in NOT helping him.
On top of ALL the above, we are in marriage counseling, both see individual counselors {which scrapes the surface of issues} and have gone into an intensive marriage therapy program for a long weekend, then 6 4 hour follow up sessions.
This is NOT how I envisioned my life, but I'm here and accepting of it (for now):)
Welcome to MIP I'm so glad you've found us. This place is full of great support and wisdom. You have taken the first step to finding a new way of being, and of finding happiness. I really hope that you will find some'real' Alanon meetings to attend.
I read your post a few times and identified with alot of what you said. I too dedicated myself to an A, trying to love him back to health, it doesnt work! I am codependant and always have to have someone need me. I am also a master of denial and can just about justify any situation by reasoning away others bad behaviour, as you say making excuses for him when he lets you down. If I may say you have put your life on hold for a couple of years and have given alot for very little in return. You dont seem to have got any of your needs met. This is something I have done. So what to do? When my A got into his recovery and needed me less and less I was lost and hurt. It was then I found Alanon and my life just got better and better. I learnt to take the focus off him and put it on me, by doing this I started to recover from my 'sickness' that of codependancy. I started living again. Baby steps at first, one day at a time. Sara I hope you take this opportunity to start loving yourself and to focus on you, your worth it. Keep posting and keep coming back.
With love hugs and Gratitude Carol
-- Edited by Mariner on Wednesday 29th of April 2009 11:06:00 AM
