The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Just when things seem to be going along so well, wham! Something comes along and pulls the rug out from under you.
I was getting ready for work this morning and saw a bottle of prescription pills in the medicine cabinet. As we don't keep medicine there, I picked it up and realized it was an old prescription of ativan that was my AH's. Before I even thiought I went and asked him if he was taking them. (The doctor had recently changed his BP medicine and he was having trouble adapting to it. I thought this could be the reason) Silly me! He says "No it was in a bag I had and I got it out last night and smoked a bowl." Again, before I thought I said "Oh my God!" and spun around and left the room, shutting the door (not slamming) in the process. I went in to take my shower and started berating myself for reacting like that. All the old fears like...he knows where this could lead, ... how could he do this...blah blah blah...came rushing in my head.
Standing there under the water I started saying the serenity prayer, quoting Slogans and THINKING...it's his life, it's his business, not mine...he already know what consequenses could come from waking a sleeping giant (if it's been sleeping at all). I kept trying to tell myself to not react anymore, to calm down and try to put into practice what I've been learning in this program.
He opened the door and said "What's your problem" rather shortly. I took a deep breath and answered as nicely as I could "I don't have a problem" he said "Good" and went back to bed.
Before I left for work, I went in, as is our usual custom and told him to have a good day, and he's chit chatting about some things from the day before (like nothing happened!) So, I told him I loved him and left for work.
I know I reacted first before I thought, and I know that I tried to follow what I've learned, but I feel devastated. I'm afraid it's all going to start up again. I can't tell you how many serenity prayers I said through the day...how many slogans I recited...I know what I SHOULD do and say, but how do you stop feeling the pain, worry, frustrattion...I want him to know how that affects me but I know that could just give him an excuse to continue because of my nagging, or whining or whatever...but it doesn't make it any easier to swallow! I'm trying to detach with love but it just looks to me like if I do that, I'm just turning a blind eye! Or does that even matter?
And talk about omens...I came home from work today and in the mail was my first issue of the Forum! The instant meeting is Using the Slogans...my HP must really be at work trying to point me in the right direction.
Any ESH would be greatly appreciated! How do you get through the bumps and hurdles? How do you shut your brain off? Even handing it over to my HP doesn't stop the worry!
The Forum is great...I read our latest issue with breakfast. The new format and expanded views really help.
Your feelings and behaviors are choices. If your feelings are coming as a reaction to what he does and doesn't do then he is in control along with his using. Let him go and take responsibility for your thoughts and feelings because they are your choices. We can and do get better whether they are drinking and using or not!
When you find yourself reacting...make an amends to yourself along with a sincere apology and inventory some different choices you might want to use in the future under similar circumstances whether the other person is him or not.
There are solutions in the Forum also. Your HP can use the mailman if your HP wants to...LOL
Hi Sis! I recognize myself so well in your story, as it's just what I've been going through lately too, with my AH. There are many "traps" in our house, as I also have a lot of alcohol stashed in the house for work reasons (yes, I work in that business, ironically) and constantly find myself checking to see if anything has been taken, etc. I think you handled yourself very well - progress, not perfection - remember? Keeping in mind that it's THEIR lives, THEIR choice, and there's nothing we can do to stop them should they choose to pick up. Sometimes I find it exhausting to have to go around "wondering" etc, but then I catch myself and remind myself that I have CHOICES. I in fact, choose to be with this person, and the situations, emotions, ups and downs that go with it. If I don't want it, I can choose to do something with it. By keeping the focus on ourselves, we spend our day in a much more positive way, and give way to better experiences and a higher quality life. Yes, I realize it's tough when we are in the midst of a situation, however I think the more we practice praying to our HP. doing our readings, attending Al-Anon meetings, and talking with our Sponsor, we are well on our way to becoming healthier, happier persons - regardless of whether the alcoholics or addicts in our lives are using or not. Good luck to you and keep coming back! Big hugs from your friend in recovery, NewBelief :)
The beauty of our recovery is that we can restart it at any time and place we want to. Do you know how many times I have slipped? Let's just say it's a good thing I have lots of padding back there. The way you go on is by forgiving yourself. We're human.
It was hard not to look for bottles. I also feared when he was drinking if he missed his pills or took his pills wrong, there would be dire consequences. I use to call him and remind him to take them. My world consisted of calling him and checking up on him. At some point I had to stop. I had to turn him over to his HP. I remember I cleaning under the couch and found a bottle. I didn't say anything. Instead I put the bottle on the table and went on with my day. Eventually we ended up talking about it calmly. I think that was one of our best conversations.
I know those fears so well. Everytime AH took a drink, my heart would break for him. Learning to detach was my favorite tool in my Alanon tool box. Just because you learn to detach, doesn't mean you stop loving him. That's why we talk about detaching with love. I always said, I loved my husband more than life itself. I hated the disease with every ounce of my being. Take away the drinking, life was great. I'm glad we had sober times. It was like the man I knew and loved in college. We had a rule: we never left the house or went to bed without telling each other we loved each other. We never left the house without telling each other to be careful too (just in case). No matter how bad it got, we always loved each other. It's a great comfort to me, now that he's gone.
You'll get your program back. Sometimes it's just wondered away. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I think you did great. You owned your feelings, you expressed a boundry, you said how you felt. Most importatntly, you're living in the solution. That last part is huge. Most people focus on their alcholic when they do that stuff--you chose to focus on how the disease and it's effects were effecting you and how you needed to handle it. Excellent work!
