The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
And so I take it that you grieve when you face the reality of the way it really is. With all that darkness though, there is a lot of light - or so I hope
My head has been spinning on whether to stay or go. Right now I choose to stay. No physical threat. Just the threat of getting sucked into the lies. I panic because I depend on him so much and have not completely - actually just making another beginning in trusting and believing in my self and my abilities. God would want us to trust and believe in ourself right? I did confront him on saturday (more explosively than I would like to) in that I said I was very angry, I used to feel safe around him and I don't really anymore and that if he felt so comfortable in his own skin as he says he is then why does he feel the need to lie about and hide the drinking? He of course says because it freaks me out - which i know now is crap. Along with the lie of drinking is the same as taking antidepressants.
It's amazing how ubsurd this stuff is when you see it typed out. I do love him and have compassion for him and miss my friend.
I need my thinking to stay in the truth and to love myself more. Why is it so much harder to love ourselves? Is it just conditioning? What some of us were taught?
I come from AA and it seems somewhere along the lines I got some of the rules twisted and taken to extreme. "Get out of yourself", "Our survival depends on our constant thought of others and how we can help meet their needs" "Get the spotlight off yourself"etc. Anyway, I currently feel like crap emotionally physically and mentally. I cry a lot. is this normal? Thanks for listening
Yes! My therapist says that there are certain stresses in our body that can only be released through the tear ducts, by crying. So cry as often as you want and don't feel bad about it - it will help make you feel better. And try to get to a meeting - I cannot tell you how much they have helped me this past month.
I understand exactly how you feel - the panic from being so dependent on another person who is so (sadly) undependable. When I acknowledged that I made the decision to STAY, that it was a choice, it also helped me to see that I wasn't a victim but, a participant. Not in the sense that I used this information to feel sorry for myself and my decisions BUT I used it to remind myself that I do have CHOICES. And I CAN change my mind.
I know the experience of not feeling SAFE around someone - as though you need to keep your guard up because you are vulnerable to them hurting you. It took me awhile to learn how to cope with this feeling. I constantly felt that I needed to keep my guard up around my A. I was so afraid of being attached. I had to try to work on attachment that while I was hurt by the lies and his past actions, I couldn't change it. I struggle with fear that the past will repeat itself as evidenced in an earlier posting of my own. I think that in the sense of us Anons, it is important for us to turn the focus INWARD and work on ourselves because we cannot control others, namely our As. Our disease is so OUTWARDLY focused that turning inward and examining ourselves and working on ourselves is more difficult. You're not alone. Not sure anything I said has helped, BUT I wanted to share with you that I am experiencing something similiar.
As someone who is for the first time feeling actually/really/for real SAFE with someone (I love him so much but it really does not matter at all if he comes or goes), I can really see how incredible it was for me to spend so much of my dang time with unsafe people- why?! But I do not really go there at all anymore- its what I had to go through in order to stand where I do today which is in a place of serenity. I love my BF but I love myself and HP is at the top of that list, forever, no question about it. I am second. He is third. End of story, I like to keep things real simple. Hugs, J.
((((Ash)))) if you don't know what to do, do nothing. Just wait. Just be still for now.
Crying is a normal part of the grief process. It comes in waves too, sometimes I think I'm past it and then it overwhelms me on yet another unsuspecting day and I can't get out of bed again. It seems to take me awhile to remember it as grieving, I often begin to panic wondering, OMG what is WRONG with me?!!
I am glad you feel a glimmer of hope. Step 3 gives me that glimmer, I love step 3. When I truly believe that HP has the power to restore me, to make me whole again, and WANTS TO DO THIS, I am willing to surrender to His care, to reality.
I've spent years fighting reality and by now, I know that I cannot win. I have observed in myself, how I suffer when I argue with reality, by trying to force my will. It's a whole lot easier if I just lay down my weapons. My head knows this, but it's still not always easy, I am just not equipped with an automatic Acceptance Button, like a robot. So I shake my fist and swear at HP sometimes in the beginning. And still, HP seems to understand. Like a loyal friend.
When I struggled with loving myself, it was suggested to me, to just ACCEPT my HP's love for me instead. Meditation helps me to feel a part of divine consciousness, I feel loved, indeed I am Love. I have often wondered why step 11 isn't one of the earlier steps. I need prayer and meditation as a necessary part of my routine, first thing as I roll out of bed and just before I jump back into bed at night. This is what works for me. If I veer from this routine, my day doesn't go as well, I have observed.
Al-anon teaches me to observe myself. Not to lose myself as I did before, in anyone or anything. I would argue that AA teaches to meet everyone else's needs. I think it's all the same disease, it's all about where to turn.... It's all about meeting our Higher Power. That's why my troubles seem to serve a perfect purpose.
Keep coming back
-- Edited by glad lee on Wednesday 29th of April 2009 09:39:54 AM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
