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Have not heard from daughter in nearly a week. She knows I have been going through a terrible time due to my friend's death last week. But why do I expect anything from my AD. I should learn to "not expect anything", so therefore I will not be disappointed.
We are going to Houston for granddaughter's first communion. She is not included in the celebration, for obvious reasons; her behaviour is too unpredictable. This is a happy time; a good celebration, not her drama. What I dread is when she finds out we went and she was not invited. This is also on her birthday. The feathers will hit the fan when she finds out we were having a family event and no less on her birthday, and she was not included.
Anyway, I do know that without her even knowing, she has made this choice about not being included in family celebrations. This was her decision when she picks up the bottle and gets drunk out of her mind. No one wants that!!!! Anyway, just wanted to get this off my chest!!! It was her choice----right????
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Clara
------------------------------------ What don't kill you, makes you stronger!!!
Yes it was her choice and she knows that too. Have ahappy day with your family and try to detach from your daughter and what she's going to think. (((clara))
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Self-pity in its early stages is as snug as a feather mattress. Only when it hardens does it become uncomfortable.
What I dread is when she finds out we went and she was not invited. This is also on her birthday. The feathers will hit the fan when she finds out we were having a family event and no less on her birthday, and she was not included.
I've learned over the years not to jump ahead and anticipate the future, especially not so pleasant outcomes. When I do that, it's like me walking around with a loaded gun waiting for the gunfight, and it gets ugly if/when the anticipated event happens.
Things are so much easier for me when I stay in the moment right in front of me.
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
Take care of you... You can't spend your days worring about someone that you have NO control over...And can't think of 'you' in your time of need. I am sure your ADaughter knows that the reason she is not included is because of her previous actions... If she ask you how you could go with out including her, remind her "1" it was NOT your planned celibration, you just excepted the invite & "2" she knows why the invite was not extended... Then it is out of your hands...
You can't stress yourself out on the "What ifs & When's" And I am reminded all the time that Projecting only drives us crazy because the A's don't think past their next drink half the time.
I know with my experience with my Afather, I use to get soooo very angry with him for not "Tring" to be better, and Before I could Even face him... I would remind myself this little quote "If I expect NOTHING, I will NOT Be Disappointed" I know it doesn't sound like much, but it did help me deal with him, and were he was in his life... I repeated that EVERYTIME We came in contact to Keep ME focused on ME, and not on HIS Disease... Hope it helps...
Take what you like and leave the rest... Keep Coming back.. And a F2F May help you thru as well... Good Luck and enjoy your day with your grandchild... Love & prayers Jozie
I think that, deep down, she knows why she wasn't invited. She realizes that isn't accountable or honest enough to be allowed around "traditional" functions. I think it also needs to be said that, even if your daughter had not been involved in drugs, would it be reasonable to expect her to check in with you every week? I check in with my parents out of curtosey, but it's not mandatory. The drugs are another excuse.
I know you are still grieving the loss of your friend and would like the support of your A daughter. Unfortunately, this disease of alcoholism prevents her from being a functioning member of your family. Please look for solace from your friends and this board.
Since you have not heard from your ADaughter, there is no information as to what she is doing -if she is in recovery or not. As alanon suggests, do not project negative happenings into the future. You have today. Plan for a nice visit with your Grandchildren and give yourself permission to have fun.
AlAnon has taught me to: Say what I mean and mean what I say, without saying it mean" If and when this visit comes up you can be honest about why she was not included and offer to take her out alone to celebrate her special day.
I found that it is impossible to argue with the truth.
Please take care of you, foacus on what you need to do to have a good time and just live one day at a time.
I am praying for you and both your daughters.
-- Edited by hotrod on Monday 27th of April 2009 01:25:15 PM
I have had many occasions when my A son excluded himself, by his behaviour, from family celebrations.
Xmas, New Year, Birthdays I used to let his misery be my misery and my day would be dominated by the distraction of ''where is he, what's he doing, is he ok etc etc.
I learned recently to just be honest with him, explain he was loved by the family but that his behaviour was his choice and tho maybe it was acceptable in his eyes it was unnacceptable to us.
You have had a hard time recently with the loss of your friend, and I agree with Hotrod that your daughter's disease prevents her from being a functioning member of your family.
You guys are great. And you know, I know not to expect anything from her; therefore I will not be disappointed. Someone once said in one of my al-anon meetings "Expectations are just dissappointments in advance". She was right!!!
The last time we included my AD and her husband in a family celebration was our 25th anniversary, 2 years ago. We had a party at a local Italian restaurant for 30 people to celebrate with us. After the dinner, everyone was invited to come to our house for cake, coffee, tea, soft drinks(no booze).
Anyway, at the restaurant, no one was drinking, but my daughter and her husband. We said we were paying for the meal, but not the bar tab. Everyone was coming to our house. We waited and waited for daughter and her husband. They never showed up. We called both their cells and their house(2 hour drive away). they never answered.
Next morning, still no answer. I called local sheriff to see if they were in accident or picked up DUI. Finally, I called their local sheriff and asked for them to do a welfare check. Of course, they were home. They did not speak to us for months because they claimed we were trying to have them arrested. Give me a break. So case closed as to why no invitations to family celebrations.
Thanks guys for the good responses. Glad I am here with you all.
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Clara
------------------------------------ What don't kill you, makes you stronger!!!
Enjoy the twins' First Communion! It's a once-in-a-lifetime event. I'm sure they'll be absolutely beautiful!
My son is making his First Communion on Saturday, too. His A father won't be there. He wasn't there for our older daughter's First Communion two years ago, and he more than likely will miss our younger daughter's in two years. HIS actions resulted in him not being welcome. As much as my son would love to have him attend, it's not gonna happen.
Make sure to get lots of pictures your girls! I'm going to have to superglue my son into a suit if I want it on long enough to get a photograph, I'm afraid!
I will be thinking of you and your son for your happy occasion!!! It is ashame what this disease can do to a family.
We will all be in Houston. The other grandparents will be there too. We are great friends with my son in law's parents, which is a blessling. We can get together and talk about our shared granddaughters and count our blessings.
You enjoy your day!!! It will be a happy event for all.
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Clara
------------------------------------ What don't kill you, makes you stronger!!!
in Recovery to another