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Hey everyone. First I want to say I'm so thankfull for this board. I read it ever night I work. I work the graveyard shift. I feel I'm not alone with all of you here and reading all the post. Ok here it My AH has been dinking all our marriage. 30 yrs + I also went out when we were dating but I was never a drinker a drink here and there or I would hold a beer and fake it. Any way I have 4 sons and my youngest has had the brunt of seeing his dad drunk. He (son) is acting out . I don't know what to do any more. He is 15 yrs old but its gotten bad for the last 2 yrs. Now I took his cell away because of his actions and his x-box. no licence till he shapes up. I took his cell away on friday just disconnected it from at&t. When he had his cell he would get mad and turn it off on me. I know he drinks beause he tried to steal some from the house I caught him. I asked him about drugs and his response is what did you do at my age so I know he is. I find lighters in his pocket all the time . I asked him why he has them he finnaly fested up to smoking. Now I worry about taking his cell away because I don't know where he is. He could be lieing of his ware abouts before. He has been making our life a living hell... He swears at us when he talkes to us. he does not go by any rules in our home. He does not pick up after him self just whats to be with his friends. The other night he came home at 12:00 and did not go to school the next day. He has been truant and skipping classes Like I said he is 15. I don't know where to turn. I see the principle on Wednesday and teachers and stuff. About what we can do for him. He got into trouble for stealing lawn nomes and they were in our basement 70 of them 7 boys were involved with so he was on probation for a yr. My husband lied for him when he had to go in monthly for the social worker. I did not say any thing coz AH is verbaly abusive and emotional. He will not be physical any more coz he would he would lose his job If I reported it as domostic violence coz he is in corrections I tried to call 911 4 yrs ago and now he know I'm not afarid if he does lose his job I'm reporting it now if it happens again. I was afarid of doing it before. But I started to take care of me. Then this comes up. Yes I go to My meeting but it hard to bring this up there. I work at the hospital waiting for them to tell me he is in ER or Thinking of him laying some where passed out from drugs or drinking. God I hate how this drinking has effected our whole family. I wonder what I did in life to deserve all this Sh**. I lost one of my sons already to heart problems so I know some of the fear comes from that. I have turned it over tonight to my HP but I keep taking it back. YES my control issue I have to work on harder. Thanks Ladies and Gents. LOL At least I can still laugh tonight. Any Ideas or comments Please help me.
Love Deb
-- Edited by peacewithin on Sunday 26th of April 2009 05:19:46 AM
-- Edited by peacewithin on Sunday 26th of April 2009 05:30:34 AM
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I put my hand in yours and together we can do what we could not do alone.
Dear Deb....please don't take this on as something you did. My A son was arrested last night. He is a grown man of 38 years old. I divorced his A father when he was about 2 or 3 years old. He did not grow up around the chaos of aism but is sick all the same. Don't blame yourself.
I try to look at problems that everyone has in their life. It might not be the same type of thing that I deal with but everyone has things to deal with. My younger son who is 33 years old went through all the stuff that sounds like your 15 year old is going through. I hated those years of raising my children. I just wanted to run away from everyone and not have to deal with police, schools. other parents and my own family. I am still here and kicking though. It hasn't been an easy life but much easier than it would have been without Alanon.
Deb....we are not alone as you can see. We are all in this together for the long haul. Keep going to Alanon as this disease just travels down from generation to generation and you are farther ahead than I was when my son was 15.
Take care of yourself Deb and remember "this too shall pass."
Aw Deb, thanks for posting. MIP is a great place. I do not have a son but I was a rotten kid at 15 and doing all kinds of horrible stuff. All I can tell you is that in the end it all worked out OK. He has HP taking care of and watching him, you know.
I know you know that we have no control over ANYONE but ourselves. I know that you know that you need to keep the focus on YOU and take good care of you by attending meetings, reading the literature, etc. and doing things that make YOU happy- try to focus on following YOUR bliss. Go to a movie, go shopping with a girlfriend.
Resist the urge to catastrophize about him laying in ditches dead, etc. The choice is YOURS about which paths your brain is gonna take in these moments!! When you find yourself heading down that rabbit hole try to just STOP that kind of stinking thinking. Notice what you are doing (catastrophizing), notice that it is not based in ANY KIND of reality in this specific moment that you are in! Have you gotten a phone call that he is dead in a ditch? NO. Do you have some concrete information that he is in trouble? NO- go through a checklist to get yourself back on track. After going through that checklist, send the whole ball of wax on to HP and DO SOMETHING WONDERFUL 4 YOU.
Take to a higher ground. Expect the best instead of the worst. Easier said than done but babysteps! We are all struggling with this stuff and you are so not alone. hugs, J.
Try not to feel guilt over taking the cell phone. It sounds like your son is going to lie to you whether he has a cell phone or not. I'm sure it hampers him in getting ahold of his friends. I would again lay down the rules, boundaries and consequences and allow him to EARN it back along with other privileges. Whether he does it or not is up to him. Is it possible for either you or his Dad to take him to school? I know it's a pain but sometimes necessary. I did this while my son's car sat in the driveway. He had skipped school and was able to drive away. He had to earn his car back. I questioned myself if I was controlling, but then I realized if I let him drive his car I was enabling. As parents we can only do the best we know how to teach them. It's easy to give in to them or do what is easy for us, what is more difficult is to do what's best.
This too shall pass, Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Been where you are. Lots of no sleep and being upset.
What worked for my son was getting him involved in things he loved to do. He had a motorcycle, I took him to ride it in the mountains.
Took my kids on hikes, we looked at and under rocks etc. A lot of what they were shown was from when they were little.
What does your son want to do? I mean ski, skate, fish, art, music??? What is his passion? What ever it is, do your best to get him into it. Even though he complains take him to museums, zoos, anything to spark his heart and brain. He is still learning and his brain is very much still developing.
I sent mine to a reputable survivor school. He had to back pack for 3 weeks. It cleaned him out and he is so proud for doing it. Now he is 33, is a lead man for a remodel co. scuba dives, fishes, hikes, very much a natural biologist.
We were where you are!!! I was working, teaching, and raising my two kids alone as a widow.
He needs you to be tough, my son asked for it. Even now he tells me I did the right thing. Do not cut him any slack, know his friends, call where he is suppose to be,
Talk to him about what he wants, what are his interests. Then stop the negative reinforcement and start positive. He is dieing for attention from you.
I worked with kids his age and older, kids who did just what he is doing. They opened up to me and my other staff members. We took them skiing, we made gingerbread houses, waffles. We did simple things.
Once I was reading Harry Potter to one kid who could not read. The other kids had their own books. Next thing I know I am in a room with couches etc in the High school, with these huge boys laying around, quiet, listening to me read.
They are little kids in growing bodies. I found I did not change, they needed me to be a constant.
Be a foundation. Use a voice of the alpha. I will be talked to with respect. We always used the phrase,"unconditional positive regard." NO arguing. repeat the rule.
You were to be home by ten, to be able to play a video game, "but jim was late and we got stopped by the police yada yada.
You were to be home by ten.... him yada yada
He will see you will not be drawn in.
I know it is a lot to take in. NO one teaches this stuff. I learned because of experience of 18 years of teaching and 2o some years of raising a son and all his friends who's parents had tossed them out.
I was blessed, it was from hp not me. My mother was so cool, she taught me about being an alpha.
Just like wolves, we do not have to hit or yell or bite. The alpha is the alpha becuz of that strength and sureness inside that they will keep their pack alive, to survive.
This is what we do, we teach our kids to survive. I went into his room, tosses the lighters etc. It is OUR home not yours. In order to live here, here are the rules.
After a while allow him his privacy he will earn it. Absolutely allowing them to answer for their own behavior is primo.
we also went to a family group from an A and D group. Was fun.
They love fish hatcheries. Does he have a skate board?
I know this is too long!
YOU are doing fine. It has nothing to do with you. We are hit with this monster who used to hold our hand in the parking lot and want to give us the money they made mowing lawns!
Anyhooo give yourself a hug, teens are soooo hard. but so worth the effort. The time is so short, remember this is not forever.
it must be so much more difficult when the A is a child mine have been older family members and bfs i would keep up with my al-anon meetings and also encourage my sons to participate in alateen be honest with your son about the path he is choosing try to add more positives as opposed to getting rid of negatives there is an abundance of well-being offered to us search for additional sources for yourself and your family to add positives to your lives addiction education may be helpful or Outward Bound all of the a's i know have a unquenchable need for reassurance and love maybe address that, if applicable you all are in my prayers
Thanks for all your responds debilyn Same name as mine. But thanks for all the information. I love my son just want the best for him. I want him to know that.
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I put my hand in yours and together we can do what we could not do alone.
