The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
At the suggestion of my sponsor, I'm putting together lists - what do I want? What am I currently getting? How do I get what I want?
This has been very thought-provoking for me and I wanted to share with you what I have discovered so far.
What do I want?
·To feel valued, cherished, loved, respected, trusted by a partner/spouse/significant other
·To be able to trust a partner/spouse/significant other with my thoughts and feelings and have no fear of them being used against me
As I consider my "want" list, I see that I have been expecting these things from my AH who is simply incapable of providing them to me while he is so thoroughly soaked in his disease. I have accepted way too much responsibility (blame?) over the years for his inability to truly love, cherish and trust me, regardless of what he says to the contrary. It takes two to do this - neither of us has done a great job of it and I now see that much more clearly now than ever before. For years I've believed him when he expressed how much he loves, values, cherishes me and how much I don't reciprocate. In reality, it's all been an illusion. I don't think it was there to begin with for either of us.
What am I currently getting?
·Mixed messages, confusion and chaos, verbal abuse
·Anxiety, fear, stress, depression
By expecting something from my AH that he cannot provide, I open myself up to the negative feelings and the consequences of focusing on them.
How can I get what I want?
·Value, cherish, love, respect and trust myself
·Define and communicate boundaries
·Define consequences if boundaries are violated
·Follow through on those consequences
·Take care of myself
·Let go of what I have no control over
·Work my program, go to meetings, call my sponsor
This all looks so simple when I see it in writing. I think the key things here are accepting my powerlessness and taking care of myself.If I define, communicate and enforce my boundaries, then I will gain some self-respect.I also need to work on accepting my AH for what he is I noticed this morning that I really havent fully accepted his condition. Oddly enough, this is something I have not put into my HP box - I think it's time I did so.
Thanks for listening. I'm so glad you are all here.
I absolutely love this. I printed off the how do I get what I want part - hope you don't mind. The big one for me is the Value Cherish Love Respect and Trust myself. How do we put that into action without being arrogant and defensive and angry?
Great post, one I will copy and work on ,your sponser sounds like a treasure.
A few months ago I was in alot of pain and distress. Nothing I did helped, my self esteem had taken a battering. I really was` at a low. Then I asked myself, what is it you want from this relationship? and the answer was, to be loved. It was a good starting point to free myself from the confusion I was in. It helped me see I wasnt getting my needs met and probably never would. Accepting this truth helped me move on.
As I read this, I felt like I was reading my own thoughts. Thank you for putting them in writing. I have been around this board for a long time but have never posted. I have been a part of f2f Alanon for years but only in the last couple of years did I TRULY come out of denial. I have had to face the reality of my relationship with my active AH and have learned to accept that it is not going to be the close, intimate friendship that I so desired. I am not angry or bitter anymore, mostly sad for what will not be. As I rely on my HP for strength and guidance I find some peace and am able to keep my spirit alive in spite of my circumstances at the present. You are inspring and I hope at some point to be able to open up more and share some ESH.
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BBGirl Tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with you your entire life is yourself. Be ALIVE whle you are alive. -author unknown-
