Funny how a single event ( a sentence even) can just take the wind out of my sails and make me feel like I will (or want to) drown. 

I am not divorced yet.  Nothing but procrastination can be blamed at this point.  Though nothing is certain, we had determined that most likely, if we were to get divorced and court order that the house is mine and the business/property is his, \ if our business were to go bankrupt, it would be very possible that I (house/credit) would be protected, particularly if 6 months have passed. So, I did the footwork, but in terms of finalizing the details, well, that hasn't happened yet.  Its been 3 months. We finally began communication toward negotiation and I have been waiting about 3 weeks for a response.  I have just been paralyzed in terms of moving forward.  Now I think I am 3 months too late.

Tonight I get a text from AH that he wants to drop off papers for me to sign in regards to selling the business and building. Now this is what I wanted all along (since the divorce), so why am I so torn?  Because it is reality and my fears coming true. Our business was his dream, that we worked together on bringing to fruition.  Truly, it is the result of our 26 yrs of hard work together, as we started college and our career paths together.  It holds much pain for me too, for the addictions (work, drugs, alcohol, women, declining health, family abandonment) all revolve around it. But there are some good things too.  It did alot of great things for many people, and it supported our family so I could be a stay-at-home mom with my older two. I don't want it anymore, and if I feel certain that we could sell and just walk away with nothing but debts paid, I would be okay.  Probably won't be the case though. The thing is I wanted him put it all for sale about 9 months ago, to prepare for this, but he could not let go and see reality.  He had this twisted optimism that no one could shake. I told my attorney that I spent $12,000+ to get him to pull his head out of his ***, and she said that if that is what it took than it would be worth it.  Now I am thinking it wasn't the time spent with attorneys as much as the time he spent in programs as to why he could finally see the mess we were in, and now it is clarifying even more.  He has been chemically clean and immersed in recovery programs for 18 months now.  It seems he is really starting to see reality.  Wow. 

A couple months ago my ah was determined to keep the business. He talked about moving to a new location.   We are the only game in town and a very much desired service. Now he is talking about selling.  I guess that would mean he would just go get a job and be an employee?  Something he was dead set against just 3 months ago.  Definate hours and a definate paycheck.  May not be too easy given the mandated recovery program he is in (he needs a monitor) but he truly is excellent in his profession with good people skills and I think he probably could rise above if the economy allows it. Why do I care so much about him?  Other than the fact he is my kids' dad, right now his support pays my mortgage and there is no way I can do it on my own.  I wouldn't mind selling and moving either, but again I want to do it on my own terms.

So I write this because my head is swirling again, and I need to get it out so I can get some sleep.  I need to let go of feeling bad for him and scared for me. Truth is that I don't know the end result, but I just can't see it as being good.   Perhaps the end result may be the way to serenity for us both, a way for my kids to have a healthy dad, and for me to be free.  I sure hope so.

Blessings,
Lou