The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I had a long awaited MRI today, which was about an hours drive away. aH, from whom I am separated, knew about the appt at one time, but I didn't remind him or let him know about it. I drove there myself today, which gave me a chance to talk out loud to HP. I realized that often times, what I need is to talk "to" someone, rather than talk "with" someone, and HP is a good choice for when I need to talk "to".
I felt very alone today. I was afraid. I was sad that I didn't have someone with me to hold my hand and just be there, now that aH is gone from my life...again.
The technician rubbed my leg as she guided me up from the table when the test was done, and I thought "oh no, she knows what's wrong and she's being sympathetic". I mean how ridiculous! I am sure she is just kind and was offering a human response to what she can empathetically understand is uncomfortable for me. It occured to me that I am not very used to being the recipient of kindness.
I made it through okay and did some summer clothes shopping for me and my boy! As I was browsing around and making a couple simple purchases for myself, it came to me that I am allowed to be kind and caring to myself. That I was taking care of myself today; by getting to that appt and making it through - even though fear was tempting me to cancel, and by buying myself and my boy a couple nice things.
I felt alone today. But I was okay. I was okay just being with me and taking care of me and being my own support system and my own best friend!
I am sorry you had to go it alone, but glad HP was there for the company... I understand COMPLETELY about not excepting "Kindness" I too wear that guard... I always figured Kindness was for others. not for me... I still am not completely convinced I deserve it, but hoping some day I will...
I'm glad that you turned it around and made it possitive... That is what I too am working on... Not easy as ALL but I guess we need these lessons in order to take flight and get us were we need to be...
I too am always stunned when someone goes beyond the realm of simple courtesy and extends a kind word or gesture to me. It feels good, yet foreign to me.
Good for you in turning to your HP for company - you really weren't as alone as you thought you were!
And NEVER underestimate the power of retail therapy!!! You go, girl!
I believe the universe works in just this way to show us who we are. You thought you would have rather have someone with you, but in not having, look what you gained! Priceless!!
-- Edited by Christy on Thursday 23rd of April 2009 05:09:34 PM
__________________
If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
You are not alone. Neither am I. I felt SO alone last night. It hurt so bad. And tomorrow, I have an appointment with a fertility doctor and my husband will not be with me because he is on a downward spiral right now. So I can definately relate to the appointment issue. I'm thinking right now I will cancel it.
I am sorry you had to go alone for the MRI. I hope everything turns out ok from the test.
After reading the post, I realized that most of us who live with this disease are "alone" more than we realize it. Especially when the person lives in the same house with us. We tend to isolate ourselves from other people. We do not want to have to answer their questions, or cover up for the person with the disease.
It is good that you knew that your HP was with you today.
And you were right in treating yourself to your new summer clothes. Probably been a long time since you treated yourself to a shopping trip.
Hang in there. Hope everything turns out ok.
__________________
Clara
------------------------------------ What don't kill you, makes you stronger!!!
What a wonderful post. I am glad you are allowing yourself some of what you gave to the ex A. The A who I was with was rarely if ever sensitive to me. He sometimes appeared sensitive when he was out to make a good impression on others. I note he never once apologized for his behavior. By the end his alcoholism had turned him into an entitlement machine. He felt totally entitled to manipulating and getting all he coudl out of me.
