The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have to be honest and say I'm learning there is a line here. I also just finished Co-Dependent no more which everyone should read whether they have alcohol in their lives or not.
The past 4 months have been a whirlwind. Up and down. Horrible and good. I think that's all part of recovery. My recovery is not just from my A's drinking but an affair he had that I discovered in December.
Since that time, I've read everything I can get my hands on, joined Al-anon, started counseling, started M/C with my husband and attended Retrouvaille for couples. It all is helping us together. We still have a LONG way to go. My husband is a "dry drunk" - I think the term is. He is sober, but not necessarily completing a step program, and loosly attends AA. I have to let go of that. It's NOT easy.
A situation came up in the past two weeks. We found out that another of one of our friends has been affected by infidelity. My husband was shaken completely, when he saw his friend almost in tears in a coffee shop. His wife left him for another man with his twin children who are 4 years old. This just happened. My husband came home and talked to me about it and how hard it was for him to see what he's done and how infidelity affects people. We are working on rebuilding our marriage and I feel MUCH better about it, with al-anon and many other things.
He asked if we should go and speak to this friend and give him comfort? He said maybe I should talk to him, because he looked so lost. I told him if we were to do that, we would do it together.
I'm not sure even talking to this friend is helpful. It may bring a lot of pain my husband and I have to work through back, OR it may help us. It HOPEFULLY WILL help our friend in what he has to face, but I'm not sure we should go. Live and let live right? Should we let our friend just deal with his own problems with infidelity or get involved? That's where we are right now.
I'm very confused if this is us just trying to be "HELPERS" as usual and trying to FIX things. We certainly cannot FIX his situation.
If I was in your shoes, I would let your friend know that you feel his pain, you know were he is at... for you and your husband have both been there... But I would not throw myself on him.. Let him know that if HE NEEDS YOU... Or NEEDS A Friend... You are There for him... Let him make the steps to find the help he needs to get on with his life... Some people do better fighting their own battles, but if they know that there is someone that WILL Listen when they need them too, that can be quite comforting...
That also allows him to make his OWN Recovery with the loss of his wife, and family as he knows it...
It is kind of you to care, but sometimes we take on things that we really don't need too.. I know this one ALL TO WELL...
Friends in Recovery... Take what you like and leave the rest :) Jozie
I've dealt with infidelity myself and after many years, I still hurt sometimes. The wound is closed but the scar will be there forever.
Honestly I think is too soon for you to be able to deal with your friends' problem, since you are not dealing with your own pain. Let him know you are there, you understand him, but don't get too involved.
(((Hugs)))
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Self-pity in its early stages is as snug as a feather mattress. Only when it hardens does it become uncomfortable.
I think the best thing to do is offer to listen if needed. There's nothing you can say to take his pain away or fix anything. If you get all involved in it, what would happen if she happens to come back? You and your husband would be the bad guys because you were against what she did. There goes the friendship..
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
No. We are not judging her at all. We hope she does come back as we love her too and understand how this happens all to well.
He does not know at all our situation. We've only told a few people. We just know in the early weeks, the pain is horrible and that we both felt alone and isolated. It's very hard to share infidelity because people do make judgements and when you are going through it, you think you're the only one.
We just thought we might go over with coffee one night and talk to him. We were going to give him suggestions and books on forums we both utilized to help in understanding our situation and then leave it at that for him. He has to work through it. We know that. She also has to work through this and they may never be together, but we did want him to know he wasn't alone and wanted to let him know there MAY be a chance for reconciliation.
Being willing to open up about your issues, to show ur friend that he is not alone is admirable. It gives you something else to bond over.
Al-anon has taught me that I can be there for others, to listen & offer emotional support but that I am not supposed to take on their problems/issues and that we can work through difficulties, individually but together. That is the real beauty of this program, we work it out for ourselves, so that it will work the best, uniquely for us.
Sharing is very powerful & healing, just monitor your own boundaries & remember that we can all only fix ourselves.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Wanting to fix others is my middle name. I have to work over time to not do this. For me its a great escape from my own issues. Sounds like your husband has already provided support and understanding to this person. Why not wait. Do you have to rush in?
Boundaries are a huge issue for me. I would not necessarily tell someone I know about their pain. That might be hard for them to deal with if they are in a fragile state. I can't say I"m indifferent to others just very aware of my limits.
I'm not sure you and your husband who are an example of someone who worked through their infidelity would help him. Maybe he would want to be around someone who is in the same situation he is in. I know for me when I am deep in grief being around a couple might reinforce the grief.
I like what you have done here. Started your own response and asked for feedback. Soooo Al-Anon. Yes it is your husbands idea. Does your husband know if what was shared with him was shared in confidence that it goes no where else even to his spouse? Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all of out traditions...What is the consequence of not holding safe another person's/member's story as they see and told it?. I once was part of a Alateen Conference that they did an anonymity exercise on. Hundreds of teens in the room holding hands and one of them at the start whispered an idea or short saying into the ear of the person next to them and then that was whispered to the next and then the next until it came back to the originator and spoken aloud. It wasn't even close to what the originator said and had written down on a piece of paper.
In Al-Anon as on MIP we learn to be in support regardless of our intentions and drives and for me that means holding up another's spirit with the awareness as it was earlier mentioned "I cannot fix it." For me the art of holding up is deep listening and identifying and if indicated sharing my own experiences (if indicated). I remember being asked several times in the past "just listen" "don't talk"!!. My wanting a person to be saved makes that very difficult...especially because of the miracles and healing I have been graced with as a member of the Family Groups. I want everyone to have what I have been freely given.
Is there a difference between helping and enabling? My sponsor and the program taught me that yes there is a definite difference.
"If a person has the time, ability and facility to be responsible and I step in to be a part or all of the solution...that is enabling. If they lack any one of those three assets and THEY ASK OTHERS FOR HELP or say yes After I OFFER ASSISTENCE...that is being helpful."
If I cannot be a part of the solution...keep me from being a part of the problem and let me not be afraid of either direction.
(((((hugs)))))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Thursday 23rd of April 2009 02:59:48 PM
-- Edited by Jerry F on Thursday 23rd of April 2009 03:01:46 PM
