The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My ex AH has been chemically sober and working an intensive recovery program for about 18 months now. He attends at least 11 recovery-related meetings per week. All of them are 30 min. out of town. I, on the other hand aim for Wednesday and Friday nights, and it is pretty rare that I make both. On Fridays (usually twice a month), I meet with my sponsor for about an hour before the al-anon meeting where I am working the steps. Then of course, there is MIP, my daily lifeline to keeping it in check.
Because of his work and recovery schedules, his time with the kids is very limited. He picks them up between 7-8 on Wed nights and delivers 1 or 2 back home at 7 in the morning when he drives the carpool. On Fri nights, he gets them usually between 6:30 and 7:30, and then they are home early morning if it is my weekend. He works Saturday mornings so they usually go to work with him when it is his weekend, but if there is an activity for the kids or my daughter has sports, I am involved in that. Also, they pop in and out all weekend to get things. Needless to say, I rarely have an entire 24-48 hrs by myself. I love my children dearly, but I do not like the inconsistency of it all. Also, their contact with me on his weekend almost always exposes me to information regarding the g/f and what they are doing with her. I try so hard to separate myself, and honestly I feel as though it is constantly just put right in my face and heart.
My daughter (12) and youngest (4.5) desperately want more time with their dad. With my 4.5 yr old, visiting dad it is a cause for massive celebration. My daughter claims she just wants more time. She struggles in math. Now, the problem could be resolved if she would bring her book home or attempt to listen to me, but she wants her dad's help. Last night my ah actually said he believed some of her issues were "his fault" (yep, used those words) and she is using math to get more time with him. Thus, he proposed that Fri nights become "date nights" where one of us takes one kid on a "date" and the other stays home with the other two. Now, I know that more than anything that 1) this is primarily for him and to relieve his guilt and 2) it would end up that he would have the single dates while I would be with the other two (and missing my meetings).
I have learned so much. When he proposed a plan over the phone, I pretty much stayed silent and agreed to give it some thought. Then, I went to the computer and wrote a letter with all the details of timing with our current schedule, how everything is around his schedule, and how he does not take my recovery into consideration. Then, I saved it as a draft and went to sleep. This morning, I called my sponsor. Yes, I am learning.
So, this is the final email I just completed, and want to run it by you all first. My point is to be simple, concise and to the point without making him defensive...
I like the idea of having "date night" with the kids, however right now my recovery is my priority. Please let me know if and when your schedule changes or loosens up, and we can consider it again. Thanks.
I need to say that he is a better father now than he has ever been. In regards to this, I must constantly look at the positive to keep the resentments from swallowing me. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't, but at least I am aware and have learned some tools to help extingusish the toxic thoughts.
Blessings, Lou
-- Edited by Loupiness on Thursday 23rd of April 2009 01:11:09 AM
-- Edited by Loupiness on Thursday 23rd of April 2009 01:15:14 AM
__________________
Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
((((((((((((Lou))))))))))), you ARE learning so much.
I like it. You've done a great job of not getting into any kind of judgement, (including the kinds he deserves like, ahem, I already have a Friday night obligation that you KNOW about, or you would if you could spend 10 seconds not thinking it's all about you..)(end rant) I might add in a line with an alternative... something like, "Friday is not possible for me, but I could do Thursday or Wednesday"
Hope something works out - and even if it doesn't this time, it seems like good groundwork for another time.
See Lou, you like my spunk and I admire your reserve. The fact that you hear about the GF from the kids just seems so painful. You are one heck of a strong woman to handle that.
I like your email. Less could tick him off, more could give him ammuntion to somehow use against you.
Don't forget, you can set any boundry you want for yourself including his weekends are his and you want no kids at your house and same with your weekends. Seperate. If that would make you happier. And it doesn't mean you don't love or care for your kids. It simply means that this is the way it is now. By putting yourself and your needs first, it may give your ex a chance to really parent the kids on his own, thereby giving him more time with the kids.
Looks like "keep it simple" was in mind when you wrote the e-mail. Good job. Hopefully he will know what you are saying about not giving up your recovery. Just to be real clear you might add..Please let me know if and when your schedule changes or loosens up, and we can consider a different night.
It may help to assist the kids in thinking about what it is they should take, any needed sports gear, extra clothes etc. with them to their Dad's. Lessening the reasons to pop in. Or you can just tell the X that you have them most of the week and really would appreciate uninterrupted alone time. Sometimes things can't be avoided but I've found if people (including kids and X's) don't know what you need they can't help.
Have a good one
Christy
__________________
If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
You are doing great... I could learn from you and your strength...Like "Serendipity" I would have to agree, that boundry's would be a wonderful thing... If he is a better father, and is try'n to work his program then he should also respect the fact that you are working yours...
I would mention about the weekends he has the kids that your home is off limits unless an emergancy... You need your time to heal as well, and can't keep being drag'd back to his life, his G/F, and his recovery ONLY... You have yours own to work on and if he is "Truly" working his, he of all people should understand... I would explain that when it is your weekend.. You do not bounce in and out of his life, and it is unfair that he does that to you..He may just need to hear that one time to understand that you need your peace and quiet sometimes in order to go forward in your life, as he has done so in his..
BOUNDRY'S Are wonderful, but they will never get set, if we don't keep throwing them out there and sticking to them...YOU CAN DO THIS... YOU Desirve to DO THIS...
Take what you like and leave the rest :)
Thanks for your share... Keep'n it Simple.... Love & Prayers Jozie
Good for you for vocalizing your need to have your program a priority.
After reading the responses, I too wonder why another night wouldn't work as well, since you have limited meetings. This is something that has to be negotiated, it's not about you compromising everything. Standing up for ourselves & expressing our needs is crucial.
You could make a new household "rule" that when the kids go for the weekend - that's it - no coming to disrupt you on the weekends. This way the kids will learn about consequences and how to plan ahead for their weekends. Looks like a perfect opportunity to teach them about responsibility and for you to get some peace & time off to be alone with your thoughts. We are all entitled to privacy.
I'll add that growing up, even as a very little kid, my mother would always knock on my door before entering. It taught me that I could have privacy at home and she had me do the same, respectful thing for her.
__________________
Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I know I would be driven to distraction by the mention of his new girlfriend. I am sure that is a full slate for him, relationship and sobriety too! Generally newly sober individuals are cautioned not to be involved for the first year.
I also don't doubt your children crave his attention because it is divided around so many issues. Detaching from that must be formidable but you do it!
I am also impressed by the way you use your sponsor and how you let go and live!
