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Am feeling very emotional tonight as i've been very honest about my feeling to people very close to me this week.
I feel I have let loose stuff from inside of me though it does feel incredibly uncomfortable. I have hurt my moms feeling cause I was honest in saying I did not want to go on holiday with the family as there are so many underlying issues that never get spoken about between my mom, her sis their mom. My mom has always felt left out and never spoken out about her feeling so this means me and my sister hear the victim cries all the time. I'm just not prepared to listen to it anymore as there is a way out of it even after so many years.
My mom now feels very sorry for letting this go on for years as she see's it's affected me deeply. In fact in my heart of hearts the same thing repeats itself as I too feel am the outsider in the family which am not strong enough at the moment to be honest about with mom and dad and plan to in the future first things first. I'm no longer gonna try and fit in as I dinna need to. One day at a time for now this is very hard I don't speak about this at all and feel like letting a wee bit more out.
I'm not sure that makes sense I guess am a wee bit confused about my childhood years. My mom and dad have never been able to emotional support me as I see now that's cause they dinno how themselves. I believe now that my dad has the isms from his father who was taken by the disease himself which have passed onto possibly my mom. This is okay and I accept I canna change that tho I can change the way I deal with it by speaking and asking for help.
Thank you this share is really the first that's made me sooo emotional am going to try and get to an extra meeting this week I need my al-anon support so much right now
Much appreciated
chezza xx
__________________
Courage is the discovery that you may not win, and trying when you know you can lose.
Hell chezza, I would have spoken my feelings alo, you did the right thing in opening up about how you felt concerning the situation. Be proud of yourself! and hang in there!!
Aloha Cheeza....you've done okay. If you can't honestly take it to family of orgin bring it to family of choice. I remember learning that and here it is years later and I'm still doing for me what works for me. I use to feel I was left on the doorstep of an unloving family as an infant but in reality it's all choice.
I have massive problems with my family of origin. My father is an A and my childhood was not good. My Mums codependancy and lack of any maternal emotion pretty much ruined me and my 5 brothers and sisters. The resentments are massive, I always felt like an outsider. For me the underlying issues came to a head on day at a family party,and it resulted in me removing myself from them all, as I just couldnt take anymore. I stayed away for 5 years no contact at all. It was very passive aggresive of me and didnt really resolve anything. I've since found a better way of dealing with them through my 12 step program.
I think youve shown courage in bringing this to the fore, setting your boundary of not participating in the holiday shows great self care. You are on a journey but your not alone, your family here loves and accepts you.
With Gratitude Carol
-- Edited by Mariner on Wednesday 22nd of April 2009 01:50:25 AM
