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Here's the situation. My A husband had been sober 9 months, attends AA 2-3 times weekly, 2 times with his homegroup. After his meeting the other night, he brought up the fact that a lady in his homegroup is unemployed and has a soft top on her Jeep that is held together by duct tape. It leaks and is miserable to drive here in our rainy state. My AH said the group was going to take up a collection for a new top for the lady and he wants to help with it. Here's my problem. He was laid off since November and has only just gone back to work, basically they are going a week at a time. Lots of stuff got behind and we(I) are now digging out. I have a broken windshield in my car that needs to be fixed but has to wait as its several hundred dollars. I have to admit to feeling a bit neglected that he jumps to the rescue of this lady, but I also see that she is older and I don't get wet and cold from my broken windshield, its just that if it gets fixed it will be up to me as things always have been. I need some ideas about how to make this a win-win situation for both of us. Thought about a couple of things, like setting up my own acct. and having him take over the bills. Not sure if that's a good idea or if he's ready for that. I don't want my credit ruined if he's being an idiot. But it would give him some idea as he has none nor has he ever wanted to have anything to do with the financial end of things. Another thing would be just to explain things again, although when I did, he said I was selfish but later apologized. I just had to laugh at that comment. It does do my heart good to see him actually want to help someone. Of course, I wish it was our own family, but I do still see the good that his sobriety is bringing day by day. I know I can't control who he wants to help, but admit it would be nice if it was closer to home. Is it an unreal expectation to think he may one day be a functioning part of this relationship? Do most spouses of A's play second fiddle to the A's homegroup? Thanks for reading and helping! Kathy
Sometimes the family does play second fiddle to the program and sometimes the Alcoholic plays second fiddle to Al-Anon meetings. This is all about finding and staying in balance - serenity. You expressed your gratitude for his sobriety here did he get to hear it also? If you understand the ladies situation you can express that to him. "I understand about her need and I understand about our needs also" "How can we pull this off so that we can take care of both?" Then let him input his ideas and perceptions. Of course if he is already an "idiot" he doesn't stand a snowballs chance either. How big is the donation? Do you get to choose how much if any you give? Can you give without resentment? All kinds of recovery work we have to do as the alcoholic does theirs. Take your time...always easy does it...Don't react...respond. Let it go and Let God have it. Then keep an open mind to hear what comes back.
Keep coming back it works when your work it. (((((hort)))))
As someone who had their credit ruined from someone else being idiot, I would say: Dont Go There. Tuck yourself up to yourself and keep your own good counsel/accounts/etc. Let him do whatever he needs to do- detach with love.
I don't know but from my perspective AA is not a place to raise money for repairs for individual members...just my 2 cents. Its a red flag but technically none of anyones business, I guess.
My unrecovered exH (A) loved helping others because it made him look sooo good and generous and thoughtful to lots of people who did not know the "real" man he was and the massive trail of destruction that he left in his wake. Helping others with an audience watching is a mighty powerful position to be in. There is no audience when he helps his own family.
I was also always responsible for paying the bills and my ex ah had no idea how much money we had, how much our bills were, etc. I don't think I would give up the reins to my credit again (I cosigned two vehicles with him). When I left him I made copies of all the account numbers for bills he owed and how much they were, of course he never paid any of them. I would sit him down at the kitchen table with the bills and the money available and ask him which thing he wants to give up to make the donation. Maybe that will put it into perspective for him. It's one thing to donate when you have enough for your family and some left over, it's another when you're taking from your family to help someone else. I think men have serious issues with not having enough money as well and he probably doesn't want to be seen as incapable or unable to provide by his AA peers...
"My unrecovered exH (A) loved helping others because it made him look sooo good and generous and thoughtful to lots of people who did not know the "real" man he was and the massive trail of destruction that he left in his wake. Helping others with an audience watching is a mighty powerful position to be in. There is no audience when he helps his own family."
I like Jean4444's response which I have quoted above. She is right on target.
How about saying, "No."
Diva
__________________
"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Lots of options have already been suggested..... I'm in favor of a "compromise" - perhaps your hubby can lend his time, and not his money, to the cause?? If that's not an option, than the compromise of you & hubby ironing out how much can be provided to this cause (weighed against all your internal needs/causes), with the reminder to hubby that "it all counts" (as in, even if he can't give as much as he had hoped, it all contributes to the greater good).
Not a huge fan of simply saying "NO", in that it appears to be a good cause, and a group one at that....
My two cents...
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Jerry - Yes, I did let him know that I was totally impressed with his desire to help the lady. I used the words I used here, that it did my heart good to see that. He was appreciative of that. Appreciate your insight and input! Jean, Carolina girl and Diva - I get what you're saying and hoping this does not become a pattern. Hoping the pattern of giving and sharing with others grows in his head and heart, but most especially towards his family. Maybe its just too early in his sobriety to be fully functional yet. I have been told I am impatient, go figure, LOL! I will be curious to see how it plays out. Tom - His time was discussed, he's quite handy when he wants to be and if it ends up happening this is the most likely option so that he can feel like he's helping. It is still sort of the same issue, though, as we have tons of unfinished things around here that need addressed. Let's see, I have my septic tank dug up, been that way for 1 year, a skylight that was removed from my kitchen that was repaired roof side, but not inside - huge gaping hole that needs drywalled over, 3 junk cars that need to be towed off, outside garbage and packrat stuff everywhere. Its a huge laundry list that I am hoping he will be able to address as he gets more mature in his sobriety. We shall see. If I had my way, I'd get a dumpster, clean it all out and I'd ask for help from my family for the carpentry stuff. This causes a big rift as he sees it as being his responsibility and they don't fix things "the way he fixes them". He has a very poor family support system and I think mine is very intimidating for him. I figure he needs some more time dealing with sober reality and if what I have seen so far is any indication of the man he is choosing to become, he might just be downright awesome! We'll see. Thanks everyone for your insight and suggestions. I'm such a work in progress. Kathy
I have to admit to feeling a bit neglected that he jumps to the rescue of this lady, but I also see that she is older and I don't get wet and cold from my broken windshield, its just that if it gets fixed it will be up to me as things always have been. I need some ideas about how to make this a win-win situation for both of us. Thought about a couple of things, like setting up my own acct. and having him take over the bills. Not sure if that's a good idea or if he's ready for that. I don't want my credit ruined if he's being an idiot. 
But it would give him some idea as he has none nor has he ever wanted to have anything to do with the financial end of things. Another thing would be just to explain things again, although when I did, he said I was selfish but later apologized. I just had to laugh at that comment. It does do my heart good to see him actually want to help someone. Of course, I wish it was our own family, but I do still see the good that his sobriety is bringing day by day. I know I can't control who he wants to help, but admit it would be nice if it was closer to home. Is it an unreal expectation to think he may one day be a functioning part of this relationship? Do most spouses of A's play second fiddle to the A's homegroup?
Thanks for reading and helping! Kathy
