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I'm having a HALT moment (ok, a lot of them in a row) today and just need to vent.
I'm Hurt, Angry, Lonely and Tired.
So here's the story:
Last night my AH is telling me about his gig that he played Saturday afternoon. They had a good crowd, everybody loves them, etc, etc.... Some of our friends were there with their grown daughter and her child. AH makes the statement that the daughter is finding out how "Nobody wants a woman with a kid". That's a direct quote. My response was a mildly shocked "That's an awful thing to say." I never got to fully qualify my response. I was then told that it was a "fact". I then asked if was was not allowed to express my opinion. I was told that I was twisting what he said and that he was sick of it. WTH? So, being the good little co-dependent that I am, I apologized if what I said had any appearance of twisting his words, that it was not my intent and that I was sorry he felt the way he did. He proceeds to turn it right back on me - "I feel this way because of my experience with you". I leave the room - his parting shot is "You go on and waddle out".
By the way, this entire exchange took place in the presence of our 8 year son who was playing on the Wii at the time.
People, this hurts. Intellectually, I know that it's his disease that is spewing this garbage and that he's projecting his own self-loathing onto me. Emotionally though, this sucks out loud.
You'd think I'd learn that there's no value in me expressing my opinion to my AH. All it gets me is more pain. Yet I continue to do it. I don't get it - I know that stove is hot but I'm still compelled to touch it every now and then just to make sure. Yep, it's still hot and it still hurts and I'm angry at the stove for being hot and at myself for thinking that it's not.
Right now I am filled with self-doubt - maybe I am doing what he accuses and blames me of. I don't *think* so, but right now I'm just not sure. I'm also possibly just sitting on my pity pot, maybe just working through feelings that I stuffed last night. Perhaps a combination of both. I don't know. All I can say is that I'm trying to let this latest thing go so I can get on with my day, but not having much success at the moment.
Blender Girl, I can certainly relate. I am pretty much in a "Halt" state of being 80% of the time. Even though, I am married to the most terrific man in the world(does not drink), I still get the HALT feeling.
A have an AD and she is the reason I am in HALT most of the day. Well, ultimately it is my fault for putting myself there. But nonetheless, that seems to be where I am at most of the time.
Yesterday, we had friends over for lunch. That takes a lot of preparation; tons and tons of it. Then afte they left, we went to the hospital to sit with a dear friend who is loosing his sweet wife, who is also a very dear friend of mine. If fact, this will probably be a pajama day for me. I can almost see HALT in the next room and today I do not have the strength of fight it. So, for today I will give in to it.
I will give you some advice that I also need to take too. When they say ism stuff to us, we just let it roll off our back. I know earsier said than done!!!
Take care of yourself
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Clara
------------------------------------ What don't kill you, makes you stronger!!!
I left my AH with 3 kids in tow and I'm fat and I found a great man! LOL What's true for him is not true for the rest of the world. I think that I would be most irritated by the fact that my son was watching and thinking this is how a man behaves. Plus there's no reason to take that kind of verbal abuse. That's one thing I have gained since leaving my AH is my self respect back and NOBODY talks to me like that now!
(((((blendergirl)))))) I so understand where you are right now. I am working on getting on with my day too. I wonder if the pain in necessary to "put us back in our place", HP's way of saying Hey stop what you are doing and think. I don't know, I just know that I too test that stove repeatedly and know the outcome but sometimes my mouth is faster than my mind and out it goes before I have thought about it. Then I get the exact same response. I usually think to myself, " Are you really saying that out loud, what did you think would happen?" I know my addiction is my AH, I freely admit that but I am working on it with Alanon, so I then think, I am a work in progress and perfection is my enemy. I can beat myself up pretty good for touching that hot stove, but I have also started to be able to cut myself a break too. Only with the assistance of alanon and the MIP family. So for now I have said a prayer for you and your family for strength and guidance. I will keep you and your family in my prayers. Do the best you can with what you have and don't expect perfection.
I am sorry you are in such pain and undestand only too well the "need" to touch that hot stove.
I was always in HALT mode when I attempted to express an opinion contrary to the one held by my family and was always put down and attacked personnally for the opinion.
One day in alanon I reallyheard the words of the closing. "The opinions expresssed here are strickly those of the person who held them-Take what you like and leave the rest".
Wow!! that opened my mind to what I could do at home and in many similar sitautions.
I could let others have an opinion different than mine and leave it alone or I could say" I know many women who have remarrried with children but everyone perceives the world differently.
Opinions are just that "opinions" NOT FACT.
You are working a good program, you walked away and didnot engage even though you were baited.
Take care of yourself and please let go of the childish attempt to instigate a fight and give yourself credit for not engaging.
What your AH said to you was abusive. He was emotionally abusing you. Abuse is about control. It doesn't matter if he is an alcoholic or drug addict or sex addict. It is NO excuse for verbal abuse. None. Ever.
He has a choice in what comes out of his mouth to you. If it wasn't a choice, if he couldn't control it, he'd have said what he said to you directly to the woman with the child.
Don't let his abuse slide and take it because "it is part of his disease" cause that is bull. Think about how witnessing that abusive exchange effected your child.
You don't have to take it and it is NOT your fault.
I've met men like the one you've describe. I've also met men like the women have described here. The facts go something like this: character is who a person is when no one is looking. And if a man really judges a woman based on her child--as in, whether or not she's worthy of him--I don't want him in the same state as me.
Good for you for not causing a bigger deal in front of your son... I am the product of Virbal Abusive parents, and I know how I felt everytime they screamed at each other weather I was in the house, or in the room... I Can Say for ME... It changed who I am, and I refuse to be that person...I have been married too a "binge" A for almost 9 years, together for 13, I can honestly say, that my son has NEVER seen but one fight between me and my Husband, and he wouldn't have seen that one had I got him to shut up soon enough... However that was his "Binge Month"... It has however been his last and that was almost 9 months ago... Use to be every 3 months so I guess thats an improvement...
I did not want my son to See such things from me that I saw, cause everytime they fought in the same area, I ALWAYS took it to be my fault, because of were I was sitting, and there was nothing I could do..My husband at times says things, that really can hurt... I have learned that he can "Say" all he wants, but I know I am a strong, smart, loving women, and he can't take that from me... No How...Mine is a "Aggrivator" by blood, so sometimes what he finds cute, I find insulting... That is when I say my little prayer and move on, without comment...
I use to walk around on Egg Shells all the time, waiting to see "What Mood" i was going to be pressented with, when he entered the room... Now... I could honestly care, if he is pissy, I leave the room, and find something to clean, or read, or fold, or build if I have too... Helps me get things done, and I don't have to be stuck in the room with a bump in a log...
WE CHOOSE... What we put up with, NOT THEM... If I was You, I would let him know that I did not appreciate those comments in front of your child, and I would also apolized to your son that he had to hear it...And asure him that nothing his father, or you disagree on is his fault.. Even if he blows it off like no big deal... He will be glad you said it, explain that you hope that he does not talk to people that way, and knows its wrong... He is young now, he can learn the rights and the wrongs... And the more you tell him, the more likely you will be the one he comes to when things are bothering him...
My son isn't much older then yours, I am not perfect by no stretch of the word, but my boys emotions, and struggles come way before ANY A in my life, and I want him to see the Wrong In Insults, and I want him to see that When your a Good Person, people respond to you as that...
Please Take what You like and Leave the rest... And Thanks for your share, you gave me a flash back I think I needed for the day... Keep It Simple... Easy Does It...I will add you and your family to my prayers
What your AH said to you was abusive. He was emotionally abusing you. Abuse is about control. It doesn't matter if he is an alcoholic or drug addict or sex addict. It is NO excuse for verbal abuse. None. Ever.
I totally agree with Seren. You are admonishing yourself for for what? Having thoughts of your own? It's one thing to attend the fight and another to have an opinion. This is where we must make the distinction, draw a line and have boundaries. No one, drunk or sober has an excuse to belittle you. That is where the opportunity rises to say to yourself and/or the person, that you won't tolerate being spoken to that way and walk away,Everytime, with your dignity intact.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Thanks to all of you for your ESH, support and suggestions. It really helps to have my feelings validated and to be reminded that next time I can use those 4 magic words "you could be right". It's funny because I have used them before with a large degree of success, and have posted to that effect as well - for some reason they just flew right out the window the other day. Perhaps I needed to be given the opportunity to set that boundary - I'll let that thought percolate for a bit until the next opportunity arises.
