The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Although I've mostly posted about my life with my AH, I have a brother who is an A too. His disease came to a head about the same time as my AH's (about 3 yrs ago) but emotionally I could just barely handle my own life. It became obvious very early on that there was nothing I could do but add to my craziness. My saving grace has been that he lives 3 states away.
A little background... he was born the only boy and oldest of 4. Our parents died of cancer when we were young. He was 10 when my dad died and 13 when my mom died. We were raised iwith cousins in a blended family of 7 kids where he continued to be the oldest with not much understanding. We were cared for and safe, but no physical nurturing or grieving. He married his high school sweetheart, graduated from college, and worked as an engineer for a national company for many years. He had a nice home, no debt, 5 kids, his wife homeschooled their kids, church on sunday, and he was a good dad. When he got layed off during the dotcom bust he decided to take the oportunity to become an entrepreuner (something he had always wanted). They moved out of state to be near her family and in an area where the cost of living is cheaper. He got a number of investors (approx $350,000 worth from family and friends) and he ended up with a company but no product. Lost all his retirement and all the money. As the whole thing went bust and he became a "failure", his pot habit, drinking ,and depression meds spiraled out of control, and his ability to be a decent husband and father became nonexistant. Yep, a story I am sure is all too familiar to many of you...
So needless to say, he is now divorced, unemployed (had a few jobs prior to the economy bust, but couldn't keep them), a deadbeat dad, and "doesn't have a problem". My sis-in-law loved him dearly, but finally had to let go of him for her sanity and the survival of her family. She is an amazing woman. My mom told me tonight that he recently signed over full custody of his kids. I haven't seen him for about a year, but last I did he still looked good. Lots of family here (including my brothers - one a cop and one an attorney) refused to believe he could possibly be an alcoholic because of the way he looks, and becasue they have lived away from him, believed what he said, and didn't understand the disease.
I have not talked to my brother since Christmas Eve when he called. I love him, but I have nothing to say. I want to tell him I love him, but I cannot listen to his wierd fantasy spin on things and how horrible his life is and how everyone else (his wife) is to blame. I heard through my cousin that he wants to move here to start his life over again. He said he could come help me. Aaaaahhhhh!
Believe me, I have come to fully accept the three C's in this situation, but I want to write him a letter. I guess maybe it is for me. I am afraid he is going to die and I need and want him to know I love him. I know that his being far away is what has kept me and the rest of our family detached from him, and has been the best thing so far, but I imagine it can only be interpreted by him as abandonment. We have experienced so much loss and I have so much regret, with my parents and their deaths as well as with my spouse and the death of our marriage; I don't want nor feel I can emotionally handle adding another to add to my list. I have learned from this board and my f2f meetings that there is always hope and of course, I want to pass that onto him too. I think this might be a part of my healing and my recovery, but I still feel too lost on this to know.
So, I am reaching out to you, to get your Experience, Strength and Hope on this. I hope to be able to gain wisdom from your words to write something meaningful and loving. I'd be lying if I didn't say that there is a part of me that is hoping that it could make a difference in his life and that he could become one of the miracles, but I certainly have no expectations regarding that.
Glad you are all here.
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
Sounds like you really want to connect somehow with your bro. Sometimes it helps to just write what you want to tell him whether he accepts it or not.
Everyone likes and appreciates a letter or card knowing someone cares. We cannot make up for the past. U no my A was horribly abused etc. It made me humble and wanting so much to remember that really I only want to be his friend with no expectations.
I learned a long time ago if you cannot think of something to say in a letter, just tell them that.
It is the connection that is so important. hugs lou, debilyn
I have an A brother who decided many years ago to run away from us, his family of origin. He had borrowed so much money from so many people in our small town, that he couldn't handle the pressure of his failed business ventures or paying the money back (is my guess.) He moved to another part of the country many years ago, I have no idea if he is still there. Truth is, none of us know if he is dead or alive today. About 5 years ago, my parents received a collect phone call from him, he needed to borrow some money. My attorney brother-in-law said the amounts sounded like bail and a fine. We haven't heard from his since, even though he told my parents, yet again, that he would pay it back.
I don't know anything about my own brother. Strangely enough, I am okay with that. He is just too sick for me (or any of us who tried) to save. Sometimes when I pray, I have a visualization of him surrounded by loving white light. He is still a child of God. I accept my powerlessness and pray for God's protection and care for him. I feel my loving intention is what matters.
I believe that wherever he is, the hand of God is always reaching out. It doesn't have to be mine. Indeed, if I knew where he was and could send a letter, I don't know if I would. I do not want him to come here, he is that sick. And, I can't fix it.
I have no idea what's best for you. Whenever letter-writing comes up, I automatically think that, "Nothing pays off more like RESTRAINT of pen and tongue." Your last paragraph seems a little conflicted, so you may want to have your sponsor read the letter before you send it...?? Sometimes when I wrote a letter, my sponsor detected things I did not.
Take care of YOU, whatever that looks like (((Lou)))
-- Edited by glad lee on Sunday 19th of April 2009 09:34:59 AM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Personally I like to tell the truth. Although, I am not that good at hearing it. I am coming to understand that they can't hear it until they are ready.
The three C's are a keeper...as a mind set they alway apply and always return me to relaxation, serenity and sanity...always. I also have "Love Anyway" as a constant mind, mood, spiritual and physical behavior. Love Anyway keeps me on the greener side of the fence without weapons to beat what it is that I am afraid of. Afraid of...FEAR; False Evidence Appearing Real...I don't spend alot of time in my head anymore. My thinking is just for entertainment purposes and simple tasks that I expect myself can do without too much trouble. Otherwise I have to repeat to myself one thing that I know and now know that I know which I came to under stand coming into this program. I have never known how things would come out regarding things around me. That is why I just reacted to stuff. My head told me the story, described the picture and I reacted to it because it scared me. The pictures and descriptions were all False Evidence Appearing Real. I cannot predict or fortune tell and to rescue me from the crazies I have a Higher Power to turn the evidences over to and the let go completely and continue on with my life.
There's more for me but shortest and simplest is best the program suggest and the ESH is now basic everyday thoughts and behaviors for me....Oh with this exception all the people including myself are turned over too.
I have had the urge to write letters too and I usually do. I don't think there's anything wrong with being real and getting your feelings out clarified on paper. I'd write the letter, read it, put it in a drawer for a week, read it again and then decide if that's still what you want to say. I wrote a letter like that to my EXAH and sent it off, who can say what has an impact and what doesn't. To me the letter writing is more to the benefit of the writer to get out there the feelings that you have difficulty conveying in person or on the phone and to be able to edit and say what you really want to say without any pressure. I don't think there's anything wrong with a letter saying you love someone and this is what you see happening and hope that it may cause them to open their eyes to the reality. He may take it as abandonment or he may see it as hey this is the tenth person to say these things maybe it really IS me. I think as long as it's loving and comes from a place of concern and caring it is worthwhile.
It's all about taking care of you. The road to hell is paved with "good intentions."
If you can send a letter with no ILLUSION that you have any power whatsoever to cure him, or to open his eyes in any way, it's probably a fine idea to tell him you love him.
I often held hidden, sneaky little ideas in my head, that if I just string the perfect words together, he'll finally get it! I tried this REPEATEDLY in letters and emails. I always held a little spark of hope that I might possibly make a difference and he will finally wake up, once and for all! I was disappointed every time.
The bedrock beneath our feet is admitting powerlessness. (deeep sigh of relief) My only suggestion, is that you be honest with yourself and aware of your motives and expectations if you send it. It's all about you. Remember who has all the control. (((hugs)))
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Sometimes the simplest letters are the best. Perhaps just letting him know that you've always loved him and always will is all you need to say. You can wish him peace and hope he finds recovery.
The second option is to write 2 letters. Write the first one with all the feelings you have: good, bad and ugly. Let it all hang out. It will be cathartic. Keep that for yourself. Or burn it as a way of letting it go. Letter #2 can be the one you want him to read and remember. Either way, just be yourself and all will be well. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Personally I think its pretty hard to reach out to an active alcoholic. They are so far down on the scale. He may hear he may not. My suggestion is not to send the letter until you can work out what your expectations are. Having expectations of an active alcoholic is a difficult prospect.
