The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've been thinking a lot about acceptance lately. I've always considered myself as one whom is pretty in touch with reality...funny, "considered" does not necessarily mean truth.
Having given it further thought, I think that what I do when I don't like my reality or when I find it painful, is try and try and try to make reality into something that I want it to be rather than accepting it as it is and responding accordingly. Through that process I've turned myself into someone whom I don't like very much and I carry many regrets.
In challenging myself to accept my reality for what it is, I am in a lot of pain. My reality as I see it is that I am married to an A-sober, not in recovery, and my wishes to be connected and on the same playing field with him are not possible right now. My desire to have a partner who is plugged in, compassionate, reliable, honest, are unmet. My needs to be safe in vulnerability, have security and predictability and to be understood are not things that he can provide. My reality does not match what I want for myself. And what I want for myself (and my child) does not match my current reality. So what am I gonna do? Plan a response that matches what I want for myself.
Another thing that I have come to think about a lot is that, like the A having an addiction to their drug of choice, I have an addiction to the A. I have an addiction to the A-isms and behaviour. And like many A's in recovery who may choose to not put themselves in an environment that makes it easy for them to USE, I too need to accept that if I want recovery I need to put myself in an environment that does not include my drug of choice, the A. Another painful reality.
I'm married to an alcoholic that is sober also. He is not in any kind of program and thinks anyone who can't quit drinking is just plain not got a strong enough will-power. He is very obnoxious to be around, and self-rightous. All the while he really has a very low opinion of himself and is very insecure. We are physically seperated right now, but we see each other often and I'm not sure that I always make the best choices concerning him.
He doesn't have a real job and just makes what little money he does off of buying, selling and trading. Right now all his bills are due and he is broke. He has been hinting that I help him out, but I refuse to enable him any longer. You said, "My reality does not match what I want for myself. And what I want for myself (and my child) does not match my current reality. So what am I gonna do? Plan a response that matches what I want for myself."
That's what I'm going to have to do for myself too. I think lots of meetings and talking to my sponsor, and redoing my fourth step. Is where I'm going to start. That's just for me.
Thanks for listening. Good luck with your situation. java
-- Edited by java on Saturday 18th of April 2009 11:19:46 AM
I found an awsome little prayer about reality . God help me accept all of my life as it is , not just the parts I like . Some days reality sucks , but there are no suprises when living in reality . Lower your expectations of those around you and it gets alot easier .
-- Edited by abbyal on Saturday 18th of April 2009 12:45:09 PM
Funny how our HP bring us to it. I was saying those same things to myself today. I have been married over 30 years to my AHsober. He left 4 years ago - really he was never here much. I have learned to quit asking why from Alanon. I think my reality with my AHsober sucks. I fight accepting it too. I wish for the same as you - that person who will be there for you. And he just isn't. He is not capable of it. He worked a 12 step program years ago. Gave up.
My AHsober is my addiction/obsession. We went to treatment and were told that we were a classic Love Addict (me) Love Avoidant (him) couple. Hard reality. He gave up. I keep obsessing. Though I think that I am better. They say it is a hard addiction to kick. I struggle with not being with my addiction-AHsober. Yes that is reality.
My strategy for myself is Alanon. Gratitude for what I do have. I read about insanity today in Hope for Today. I made a list of my behaviors. I am spending alot of time asking my HP for specific help. I don't want to live my life like this. I hope for peace and serentiy.
