The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
When my (now sober) Abf and I got back together last year I think we were both being niave and unrealistic. I think we thought it would all work out now that he's sober. Unfortunately it's harder than both of us thought it would be. And I think that might be mainly down to me. I'm finding it hard to trust him in all kinds of ways. He hurt me in pretty much everyway he could when he was drinking but doesn't understand why I can't let go of the past. I know it could end up destroying what we have now but I just don't know how to change my way of thinking or rid myself of my fears. I also feel so isolated now that he has found AA. I am so grateful that he has and am so proud of him for getting sober it but he is so consumed with recovery that I wonder if he is really in a position to be in a relationship at the moment. I think he might need time to commit himself completely to recovery but I don't want to let him go. I feel guilty for thinking it but I don't think he's able to give me what I need in a relationship at the moment. I wish I could just live in the day and do my thing and let him do his but this thought only ever seems to last so long before the fear, anxiety and sadness returns. How do I make myself happy?
You are in the right place. I am glad your ABF is attending AA meetings and is working his program.. You ask how can I let go of the fear and pain for the past nd just live in today? Alcoholism is a cunning disease, and we who have lived with it have been truly affected by the illness.
In order to pursue you own recovery, learn how to let go of the past and live in the day,with joy and peace please start attending alanon face 2 face meetings. You can find alanon listed in the White pages of the telephone book and when you call the hotline # you will be given a listing of meetings in your area.
Alanon, asks us to focus on ourselves, live one day at a time and allow the Alocoholice the freedom to grow in his program, as you grow in yours.
There are 2 meetings on-line here daily and a chat room always available. You are not alone and your feelings matter. It is difficult adjusting to the recovering A and alanon suggest that you make no major life changes for the first 6 months while you are in program. The reason is that during that six months with the insight gained by using alaon your attitude will change and you will have more clarity on the situation.
When he's at his meeting, you get to your meetings. AA is a selfish program because quite honestly, if they are trying to get/stay sober, it will save their lives. I have found the most amazing friends and networks myself in Alanon. It takes time and I kept going.
I am glad you found us, Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
You are at the right place for what you have come thru and participated in. It sucks and it is normal; not pretty and still normal; not funny in the least and normal. All of those negative thoughts and feelings you have, you are supposed to be having.
The desire to be rid of it all is also...normal and so now you are here with us who have gone thru what you have gone thru, thought what you are thinking, felt what you are feeling and doing what you are doing. Been there and done that!!
We also arrived at the door of recovery just as new and needy as you are now. God I can't ever remember feeling soooo lost, soooo sad and soooo crazy.
At the end of my first meeting the reader read the closing to the meeting and in it I heard my first promise of the program. When you get to your first face to face meeting and hold your seat until the end you will also hear, "If you keep an open mind your will find help." It will continue with outlandish promises that "we will come to learn that there is no situation that cannot be bettered and no unhappines too great to be lessened (paraphased)" It was at these promises that I came to relax and breathe easy. I had no idea (I was a newbie) what was coming next and I had to come back to the next meeting and the next to find out and I found out that the promises were real!!
Al-Anon is for healing regardless if the alcoholic is still drinking or not or even within the same country. You have had the misfortune of going thru this disease wide awake while he has been unconscious of reality. Now he has found AA..YAY!! You have found Al-Anon...check out the white pages of your local phone book for Al-Anon and call that hotline number for meeting times and places or even someone to talk to one on one before the meeting. Now you have help YAAAAY!! Come to lean on us and the face to face meetings and withdraw from leaning on him. He is very sick. He has alcoholism and it is a fatal disease. He has three choices (same as us) sobriety, insanity or death. We get sicker than the alcoholic because we don't have the anesthesia of alcohol to block out reality...but now you're here. This is where you find the Experience Strength and Hope that will help you change your life and I hope you take a seat, sit all the way down and close to the healing and keep coming back.
I'm a "newbie" and have no right to give advice, but your title of this topic spoke to me.
I went to a real estate seminar the other day. It was the first time I've left the house socially other than Easter in 4 months. It was the first time I went out with a friend since my husband had so badly hurt me and we faced he truly does have an alcohol addiction. It wasn't easy. It was painful, and very scary for me. I took a friend thankfully and made it through the night.
The speaker was great. Self made, mother, not in a happy marriage, and everything I could relate to -minus the alcoholism. She said one thing that stuck with me. "Your perception IS your reality" So if you're perceiving life to be difficult, it is.
Every day is a struggle for me. You would laugh your butt off if you could see the small library of self help, marriage strengthening, alcohol addiction, and prayer books I've accumulated in 4 months. I know though, every day is a small struggle to heal myself. Somedays I'm overwhelmed and feel awful. I'm lucky that sometimes on those days, my AH will support ME. Then there are the others, I need to be there for him. It's a rollercoaster I'd love to get off, but even if I do, I won't be healed.
There are all sorts of options here. Take a step back and until you are ready to look at them all.
