The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am seriously dysfunctional. For many reasons...hey, aren't we all? I'm NOW learning all this about myself and slowly, daily trying to recover from years of self loathing and never feeling worthy enough.
If you were to have asked me about my parents BEFORE my husband's infidelity and our big breakthrough in recognizing he IS an alcoholic, I would have said they were wonderful and loving and I came from a great non-drinking household.
In reality I've understood, both sets of grandparents were alcoholics, and my parents were ACOA's. My mother is wonderful, kind, and suddenly I'm realizing my biggest pessimist. When all of this came about, I got into counseling, Al-Anon and started reading everything I could get my hands on. She took my second Melonie Beaty book and said, "I'll look at this while you read the first one." A day later she gave it back and said, "I don't get into this self help crap."
That was an eye opening statement for me. Last week she was talking about my cousin's wife and how she was stressed that my cousin was traveling so much and said, "At least she doesn't sit home and feel sorry for herself." That was COMPLETELY directed towards me....and I recognized it right away. I was angry for two reasons. Partly, because it's true, and partly because it's her subtle, passive agressive way to get her feeling said to me without saying them.
Last night, I got out of the house for the first time with a friend SINCE I found out about the affair. It's been 4 months. It was a struggle. We went to a real estate investing seminar which I really liked. I tried to explain how the woman made all her money to my mother, and her first reaction was, "Oh, I'm sure that's a scam. She just wants your money." Now I never bought anything, I was just trying to explain how fascinating it was how this woman made her money in real estate. My mother's negativity has been undermining my efforts my WHOLE life and I'm ONLY realizing it now at 39 years of age.
I'm sad that I'm realizing this now. A woman I think is wonderful and caring, quietly has never given her support to me. She gave support in small ways, but not emotionally. I can barely talk to her about the affair or my husband A problem.
My father is a whole other issue!!!! LOL Anyways, thanks for letting me vent and share. Baby steps for me today.
You have just described my first big awareness in alanon. The program is amazing, as it opens new doors and different views of situations tha t for years I interpreted inacurately. When I first began this journey, it frightened me that I could have been so blind for so long.
I was assured to just keep coming back- focusing on myself and listen and learn. These awarenesses would help me to grow into the person I wanted and needed to be.
You are not alone (((inpain))) relative to your family of origin. I had to chuckle at some of your mom's responses. I am sure many others have heard those same words too. Some of my extended family used to call Alanon a cult (ha ha). I reminded them that a cult brings you in and you cannot leave. Alanon is not like that at all. They even have a guarantee that if you decide Alanon is not for you, they will refund your misery
I know a few negativity folks myself and I steer as clear from them as I can. They just don't realize how draining it is to be around them. Thankfully, I no longer try to pull them out of their misery. The only way people find recovery, if ever, is for their lives to be pretty painful.
Thanks for sharing your awarenesses, Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
