The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
As much as I wish I wasn't...I am.... still stuck. Still unable to move forward just yet. I'm getting to work, and taking care of my son and other things are still falling behind-laundry, yard work and other chores, and being a single parent this is not good. Haven't heard from EXABF and I can't believe I can even say this but I'm glad. I really don't want to and have nothing to say to him right now. All I can do right now is just trust HP that I am exactly where I am supposed to be, but inside I am feeling like a failure in so many ways. How did I ever get involved with another A? How did I let things get to the point where he was controlling things and I didn't see any of it? How could I let myself care so deeply about someone who can not even apologize for the grief they have put me through. How could I go back for a second shot at it all? What was I thinking? There are so many questions that I want to be able to answer for myself, yet I can not even think a clear thought for more than 20 seconds at a time. I've tried repeatedly to think back to the beginning with the EXABF and REALLY look at things and TRY to remember and SEE if there were signs I missed so I won't miss them in my next relationship, but I can't think anything clear. There is almost a numbness in me that I can't explain or move away from. I don't know HOW I feel about any of this anymore, and I have never NOT been able to figure out my feelings. There is still some anger there for EXABF, it goes from that to pity for him and back around. Love? I feel none of that for him and that scares me. How could I NOT feel any love feelings for a man I wanted to share my life with? Where did they go? I read in one of my books (I'm still reading daily but honestly unable to remember or maintain what I read) that to reach acceptance one has to go through many feelings-resentment, anger, sadness, etc and until one does acceptance and moving on can not really be achieved. And that HP will not allow us to move on until we have completely dealt with and learned all we can from the lesson we are in, that insight and clarity will not come until we have mastered the lesson we are to be learning. So does that mean I am destined to spend my Summer in this feelingless, numb, confusing fog that I am in unable to think a thought long enough to process it and move on? I can't imagine going on this way for another week, let alone many weeks. What lesson could I possibly be supposed to be learning? Don't trust A's?, Don't believe in what you hear only what you see? Detach and end the crazy dance once and for all? I've got those all down........what am I missing here? What is HP trying to help me see? Any ESH would be great.....and really appreciated. Thanks for letting me share.
shelly
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Put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror!
"So does that mean I am destined to spend my Summer in this feelingless, numb, confusing fog that I am in unable to think a thought long enough to process it and move on? "
The summer? No, maybe just for today. Stay in today.
Don't over-think. It never helped me. Expecting to know everything at once, just overwhelmed me. Things were gradually revealed. It was most helpful to just get still. Be calm after working step 3. Breathe deeply.
I found that when I was feeling stuck, I needed to do something for someone else to get OUT of myself. That helped ME. When I got busy, I got better.
I like this quote from Bill W: "No personal calamity is so crushing that something true and great can't be made of it."
You are not alone, ((((Shelly)))) Keep walking the path that has worked for so many others.
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
At the end of ur post, u say you "have got all these down" - to me INHO if u are still trying to sort out why & waht exabf did to you, I'm not sure i'd call that detachment and that's ok. Detachment comes with much soul searching, maintaining boundaires & working out your feelings. At least, that's how it worked for me.
You are also comparing yourself to other people, to society, to what u think u were or are "supposed" to be like. When I was still doing this, comparing, I was extremely miserable. We are all unique & different, not cookie cutters. I've written to you a few times & I feel like I'm always saying the same thing but this are the words that were given to me. I listened & eventually began to practise them. Focus on YOU. As long as you are spending ur time thinking of ur A, u are not focusing on you & u are not detached. Even if u dont have love anymore, if he takes up your thoughts you are in no way detached.
I'm not sure why you are experiencing numbness, excpet that perhaps maybe u feel some shock or maybe it's denial. Let ur feelings absorb. Don't project about the summer or all summer long! Think of right now, today. What allowed me to stop obsessing on tomorrow & yesterday was to get focsued on today, in this moment. That is how I did it.
This is a very simple program for complicated & hurt people. It isn't easy, it is simple. That took me a long time to fathom. Being brutally honest is not for the faint hearted, it takes strength b/c it can be rather painful. But know that you are not alone, being brutally honest is what we all have to come to terms with to get anywhere in this program.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Hi Shelley, I too believe that just living in the day is what is in order right now. I found the small "Just For Today" Bookmark very helpful to me when I felt as you do now.
I especially focused on:
Just for Today:
I will try to live thru this day only and not tackle all my problems at once.
I will try to do two things I do not want to do.
I will do someone a good turn and not get found out.
Iwill be agreeable. I will dress becomingly, keep my voice low, criticize not one bit and not try to improve anyone but myself.
There are other suggestions in the Bookmark and on the reversse is the Beautiful St. Francis Prayer.
This one piece of literature sustained me thru many difficult times
Please continue to take care of yourself
-- Edited by hotrod on Wednesday 15th of April 2009 01:41:07 PM
Someone in a meeting last night said she allows herself to feel the "feeling but not tell the story."
In other words, "Yup- I'm feeling scared. Yup. Still scared." But not "I feel scared because this happened and that means this other thing will likely happen and how will I deal with THAT? And...."
And the other part she said was that so often her feelings were just wrong. Feeling doomed? You might be right. But then you might not, so don't put all your eggs in the doomed basket- we don't tend to be all that good at feelings. (I'm paraphrasing).
On a different note: fwiw I stayed in a fog for awhile but every couple days I'd have extra hours of less fog. So week 1 was all fog. Week 2 was 22/hrs-a-day fog. Week 3 was probably 15 hours a day fog...
Probably that's not very inspiring, but it DID go away. Maybe your timeline's different but I haven't seen anyone in my meetings whose fog didn't lift really substantially. (I get all my hope from the other people in my meetings who've come through worse than I have.)
Take care of the basics- eat, sleep, go for walks, make sure you don't isolate, take your kid to the park to watch the dogs. I'm pretty sure time and your HP will take care of the rest.
But don't put yourself up to the same standards you used to have. This emotional stuff is as serious as it gets, and expecting yourself to perform as though nothing has happened just isn't fair or realistic. Be as gentle to yourself as you would be to your best friend who just lost someone.
Hah- this is chock full of advice, which we're not supposed to do, but there it is anyway- take what you like and leave the rest.
