The material presented
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Hello all, Ok gotta get it off my chest and get opinions on the coversation with my AH this weekend. Well it started off with him getting drunk to the point of falling out of the shower 3 times while taking a 15 min shower. Then when it came down to dinner he wouldnt come into the house due to the fact my parents were there, to embrassed to. well thats when the 3 hour conversation began. He asked me why I am still with him he doesnt understand, I really couldnt give him a reason besides I love him and i am scared to go out on my own. He stated he's tired of hurting me and our son. He states that he is tired of feeling the way he has and wants to quit but doesnt know how to or to scared to. I asked him why doesnt he leave then?(trying to get him to think about what he was asking me) He couldnt give me a anwser besides he love's me. I told him the only one that can change is him not me or anyone else can do it. He states that he hasnt tried even after being at the gray bar hotel for 9 days and came out of it feeling very positive but the next day went back to the drinking. He states that every morning he feels like crap (gets up late) and then by afternoon he stops at the store and the roller coaster starts again. He feels he has let everyone down. I told him that no matter if you feel you have let everyone down they all still love and will support him. He's in a class for his dui for the next 6 months. I told him to take what he can from it and see where it takes him. I asked him how he would feel if I did move out? I told him that i felt it was a easy way out for him for me to leave then he wouldnt have to fight against the disease. I told him the 3 c's and it's out of my control and that i have put it into God's hands and what ever happens does. I am well aware that 90% of what i said went in one ear and out the other. I feel that he wants me to leave then he would be free to do whatever he wants like drink himself into the ground and possible end his life. I feel from what he said thats what he wants to do is end his life hes tired of fighting the disease and feels like a lost sole. I know no one can tell me to leave and right now i am not sure what would be the best for me and my son. Having my parents here right now had added to the stress level and they have been very good about staying out of it but i know they are dissapointed in him but no one will talk to him they talk to me, I have told them both to talk to him. They will be leaving next weekend so trying to keep the calm until then. So anyways this made Easter a little uncomfortable but we made it thru it of course with ah drinking..........humm sometimes i want off this roller coaster but then what the heck would I do without the caos in my life??? Sorry for the long post had to get it off my chest. Hope everyone is doing well and thank you for all your support.
I was told when i came into recovery I'm always worried what people think. The really funny thing is, what people think re my alcholic, falls into two catagories: they already know the truth and feel sorry for me, or they're so shocked at what they're seeing and so they can't think of anything to say. Hope that gives you some insight into all this.
I am so sorry that you are seeing and hearing how cunning, and powerful this disease truly is.
Attending alanon face to face meetings will give you tools that will enable you to decide what the next right move is for you and your family.
Alanon suggests that you make NO major changes in your life for the first 6 months to a year that you are in program. We who live with this disease are effected by living in chaos and need time and new coping tools to be able to make wise choices.
Some basic tools that are recommended are: Attend meetings, Live One Day At A Time (do not dwell in the past or project to the future), Focus on Yourself and what you need to do to stay peaceful and keep repeating the 3Cs. I did not Cause it, I cannot Control it, and I Cannot Cure it. With that in mind our only solution is to work on ourselves.
You ask what would you do without the Chaos: Enjoy your parents visit Enjoy your son and his life Enjoy spring weather Simply Enjoy being alive.
Get to meetings, take your time. Try to leave your A's decisions with him. Focus on YOU and your son. Enjoy your parent's visit.
Obsessing, worrying & projecting about the future or what our A's may or may not do only makes us sick & crazy.
You both say you love each other & are afraid. I used to be afraid when I obsessed about the future. I have no control over that. Today, I live in today, I do what I can for myself that day. I make lists to remind myself of what I need on specific dates/days and then I get back to right now. I also experienced fear, when I was doing something new (or the first few times), know ur changing & keep on going.
There is no rush on life altering decisions, take your time there. Focus on you & work on self. I know for me, when I began doing this -- I didnt have to worry about decisions b/c I got more clarity, I relaxed, I lvoed me & focused on me and in time my needs became evident & following my heart wasn't scary- it became obvious what I needed to do.
You deserve your own best attention & love ~ give it to yourself, you're worth it! Besides, if you don't, who will?
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I moved out and took 3 kids and left my A and I remember feeling like my life was so VERY boring for a while after that. It took a long time of me finding other things to fill up my time to get past the need for chaos. Now I just have fun and chaos makes me uncomfortable. I have developed a small group of friends and when I was with the A I was completely isolated. I never thought I could make it without him, he was everything to me and now I know that not only can I make it, it's better! When you're in the middle of the fog bank it's hard to see your way out and sometimes you can barely see what's in front of you. That's how I felt like I was living in a fog.
Three hr conversation , well ya got my attention . If I had a dime for every one of those we had i would be rich , and I fell into them everytime I lovingly call them fireside chats . after being in program for awhile I simply could not sit thru another one , I would reasure him he was a good man bla bla bla as I had done somany times and he would make promises i now know this disease wouldnt allow him to follow thru on and I would go to be hopful that maybe this time it will be diff , only to wake up and discover that he didn't remember having the conversation at all !!! Finally when it would start I simply got up gave him a hug and told him he didn't have to live that way he had a choice and leave the room , leave the feelings with him where they belonged , I had put the name and number of a AA friend on the friidge and told him he could find help from someone who understood his dilema . I knew I couldnt help him find sobriety that was up to him . Your parents visiting I too have experienced many times when still drinking = ever try to hide a drunk " they just keep poppin up . hehe My parents were understanding after I explained that he was alcoholic and that for now I had chosen to stay in my marriage and just asked that they support my decission to do so . they did . We are not responsible for thier behavior nor do we have to explain or make excuses for them . I hope u are attending f2f meetings for yourself u need support , this is simply too much for us to do alone , nor is it necessary. Louise
I liked Abby's suggestion of leaving a number on fridge, I have also heard people leaving a copy of the Big book of Acoholics Anonymous and the number to the AA hotline on the kitchen table. There is one thing I am sure of, it is better for an Alcoholic to talk to an Alcoholic. Just as it is better for an Alanon member to talk to spouse/family. I also hope you are going to f2f meetings. They are a great deal of help and support.
