The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My husband and I have been together for 14 years now. We were 20 when we met. Drinking and partying were part of the age we were in but he had never slowed down. He has always been so easy going, funny, great sense of humor. He has been sober now for about 3 1/2 months. I know it's not that long but he is a totally different person now. Very serious, strict with the kids, doesn't laugh much and not really the person I fell in love with 14 years ago. He says he is happy he is sober and feels so much better, but the spark is gone. We really drifted apart in the last year so I have felt disconnected from him, and now that he isn't who he was before, I'm having a harder time feeling close to him. I'm so proud of him for being sober and taking the steps to get there. I know he will never be the "life of the party" so to speak (due to alcohol) but I'm wondering if he will ever be able to relax, have fun and be the person I used to know. I don't know what to do or think. I love the old him. I guess I want that person back but alcohol free. Is that asking too much? I'm so confused.
Early sobriety is a bitch. It is worse than the drinking days in many respects. WE don't know how to relate to this new, strange, mess up for no "reason" person. And that screws US up. We knew how to do the dance and when they get sober, the steps change, we get lost.
This is what I have been told early sobriety is like.....sitting naked in the middle of a room full of people with clothes on and every few minutes they rub you with sandpaper. No fun to say the least.
And it lasts for a long time. I would count the first 2 years at least as early sobriety, but then again, that is just my experience.
Yep, we're never happy when we rely on someone else to make us so. I used to do that, too.
This program taught me to change myself. Ever try to change yourself?? LOL It took me a long, long time to get comfortable in al-anon, to basically re-program myself. I was waaaay serious in the beginning, as well. But I had to.... my life had become completely unmanageable and I knew my life depended on my 'success' here. I remember it annoyed my kids, my daughter once said to me, "OMG, I hope you're not going to give me another slogan!"
Holly, he didn't get to be an alcoholic overnight, and there is no way he'll change overnight. All he knows for now, is that he's gotta do something different, and that takes time to figure out.
I encourage you do find f2f meetings for yourself, you will meet others just like you. I found tremendous comfort knowing that I was not alone. In the meantime, I would sneak a peek in his AA book and read the chapter "For Wives." ((((hugs))))
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Thank-you for the encouraging words. I have never gone to an Al-anon meeting and this is the first time I've really sought help for ME, not him. It is comforting knowing I'm not alone. Thanks for the support.
I have seen the sober and the drunk side and like said above, he didn't become an "A" over night... Something that could cheer him is finding a passion, something he likes to do, maybe tinker in the garage, or find a craft of sorts, something he has always wanted to do... I know with my husband, he sometimes needs a push, I try to encourage him to try new things, things that will make him happy, for once he has a hobbie to enjoy, maybe he wont be such a lump.. lol...
But give him time, he is fresh to this new life, and you sure don't want he to back slide, coming here and getting support for YOU is the First step in YOUR Recovery... You have to make time for yourself as well...Find something you can all do as a family together, or plan a game night at home, or cards or something ... Just something yous can do that is FUN for everyone then maybe he can "Relearn" how to be the Life of the Party without feeling like he has to be drunk to do...
Take it easy on you, take it one day at time, and learn ALL you can about this disease, we are ALL here to support you and learn from you as well... You came to the right place, and I do hope that you KEEP Coming back...
Please take what you like and leave the rest... Get to a F2F meeting if you can, you will find a HUGE amount of support there as well...Good For You for Taking the steps along side of him, I am sure he needs the support, Alcohol is not an easy habit to break... Encourage him and yourself to try new things, and find NEW happinesses... there right in front of you, you just have to figure which fit your family...
Holly, I'm in the same boat. My A is 4 months sober. We don't know what to do with ourselves, but for me, the spark was long gone way before sobriety. I think the A killed the spark years ago.
We are trying to start over and it isn't easy, but we are making time for each other. We've committed to 10-20 minutes a night just talking. We pick one question and ask each other how we feel about it. It's brought us closer. It's hard because we are relearning how to communicate. We do it with no distractions and focus on how each other is feeling. It has SLOWLY helped us regain some of the stuff that has been lost.
Aloha Holly...It is true that 3 1/2 months of being "dry" after 14 years of progressive drinking isn't a fair measurement. He might be "serious" because he is hanging on "hard" to the sober time he has now. Being sober around a lot of other sober fellows is a trip. It is a serious endeavor. Over time if he sticks with it he will adjust, mellow out. If he relapses you'll get the same old drunk back in spades. However we learn to do this recovery program just one day at a time. If he hasn't drank today he will count one more success. If you haven't done that heated focus on him today and did something for your own recovery that is only one more success for you. He will have successes and you will have successes if you follow the suggestions. Some of the successes might even happen at the same time but the chances of that happening only comes with more time...one day at a time.
Face to face meetings and program literature are only two of the suggestions that have been made that will restore you to sanity and then serenity.
Keep coming back. This works if you work it. (((((hugs)))))
This is my first time visiting a site like this and I was looking for someone who understood how I feel. I have been in an on/off relationship with A for 17 years. He finally got sober at the beginning of last year and we decided to try again. He has had 2 minor slips since then but apart from that things have been going well. I too met him when I was young and we had the partying lifestyle. I sometimes miss the old him and wish we could go out together and have some fun but then I remember the bad times that came along with that and realise how good it is now. Our life is different now and we are having to learn new ways to communicate and spend time together. I won't say we're there yet but we're trying really hard to make a new life together. My biggest problems are letting go of the past and fearing what the future might bring. I have seen that people here say to live for today and I feel that I'm ruining what we have now because I just can't let go or trust him fully. Sometimes I feel like I'm making myself ill with worry and feel like I'm no better off than I was before. I just want us to get on with out lives and be happy. I tell myself what will be will be and sometimes it makes me feel better but not as often as I'd like. x
I think maybe your post got lost at the end of this thread - do feel free to start your own new post if you have questions or want to share your story.
