The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I don't really believe this is all happening, but my looking the other way has finally caught up with me. My 59 year old bf and I have been living separately, but been together as a couple for most of the last 35 years. I'm 57 and we met when I was in college at 18 years old. The last year was an absolute nightmare, so he moved in with me for the time being, with the plan to move back to his place once he had some reconstruction done on his old place. He initially came here to stay when my mother died a year ago (after suffering a traumatic brain injury that lasted 6 years in a nursing home.) The week she died, he was suddenly laid off his job after 22 years, then the cat we shared for 20 years was ill 3 weeks then died, then two weeks after that, he suddenly went into emergency surgery for a broken mitro valve in his heart that we knew nothing about but almost killed him. Two months after that surgery, his insurance ran out and he's had no job or insurance since. While spending this time living together, my eyes were opened to just how badly his drinking had gotten out of control. He was never abusive or mean, but one min he would be sober, then 30 min later passed out on the floor, the sofa, etc. He would drink straight vodka in huge amounts w/out me seeing it and change instantly into a staggering drunk. I would take a shower and by the time I came out of the bathroom he could be wasted. I made him leave two weeks ago and he went back to his disrepaired home that's in unliveable shape. I hadn't been there in years and my heart broke when I saw the toxic mess he was living in. He's become obsessive compulsive and can't throw anything away and I couldn't get him to come to the door, so I knew he had blacked out. This was the second time this had happened in a month, so I called his 82 year old parents and told them he was going to die if they didn't come get him and take him to their farm an hour away from here. He cannot be alone and I can not live with him here. He's been drinking all his life, but I never saw him drunk like this or this damaged before, because he must have been able to control his drinking all these years when I saw him on weekends and he probably drank more during the week when he was alone. I now realize how painful this is all going to be. The man I've loved my entire adult life is not someone I can spend more time with or grow old with. The thought of him dying or us no longer being a couple breaks my heart and soul. I'm still in shock when I think of all the years I've shared with him and every song I hear, every person I see, reminds me of him constantly. I could even accept it more if he were healthy and took off with another woman, but all I see for his future is pain, suffering, and possibly an early death. His parents and I can't do this for him, but they truly believe nothing but prayer alone with fix everything. We need prayer along with with him being willing to endure what it's going to take to stop drinking. It may very well be too late already, since every time he drinks, he passes out for a day or so. He's been my lifelong other half and now I'm watching him self destruct. It's agony and I know all I can do is take care of myself, attend f2f meetings and share with all of you. I'm planning to seek counseling as well, since so many other devastating events have occured especially this past year, but even for the last 6 years with my mom....but his drinking is the one that's tearing my heart soul apart. I've never been in this kind of pain or felt so very sad. I cry every day with no certainty of what's to come.
I'm not sure how long you have been in Alanon, but I would just like to say remember the 3 C's.
We can not control it. We did not cause it. And we can not cure it.
Sounds like you are in a tough situation. When I am in a tough situation I try to just think about the next 10 minutes or next hour. It's hard, but if I tend to worry about the future I spend too much time and just have more pain.
__________________
"Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip." Will Rogers
Am sorry u are having to watch this disease progress , don't give up hope there is always hope especially for you , he will do what he has to do until he is done . Nothing we say or do will change a thing . Please find Al-Anon meetings for yourself your going to need support from people who truly understand what your going thru , we cannot do this alone nor do we have to . This program will change your life for the better and perhaps encourage him to find sobiriety , it only takes one person to change to create change . find meetings your worth it . good luck Louise
One part of the discription of alcoholism is that it is progressive, it always gets worse never better. Chances are it has been getting worse and now beyond your tolerance. I know that "plunging" type of drinking...right out of the bottle as much as he can take standing up and then a form of toxic shock...total anesthesia, of which alcohol is part of that category. It is an anesthetic. He can over does and can die from the long terms or over dose affect. If he doesn't arrest his drinking thru total abstinence he will face further insanity and get closer to physical death. The reality of this disease woke me up like a faceful of ice water as I watched my alcoholic wife progress in it.
Thank God I found the doors of the Al-Anon Family Groups and the hundreds of family group members and recovering alcoholics who helped lead me to the doors of sanity and a Higher Power to hold me there.
Like Louise I suggest finding out where the meeting places and times are in your area; as easy as looking in the white pages of your local telephone book under Al-Anon, and getting into the rooms as quickly as you can. The disease of alcoholism has no prejudice as to who's life it will take and when. I will remember your boyfriend in my prayers along with yourself and hope you both make the doors of recovery. By the way the AA Fellowship does make 12 steps calls to alcoholics in need. You can call them for feedback and support also.
Thank you all so much for your support and understanding. I'm new here and have done two online al anon mtgs and plan to go to a f2f meeting after EAster, in a day or two. I've had a trip planned with a girlfriend for a long time and we're supposed to leave in two weeks. I'm not sure if I'm going or not....part of me doesn't want to leave but the other part tells me I deserve to get out of town and away from this for a week. 3 weeks ago, when I told my Abf I was unhappy in my own home with him here and that he needed to leave, he took off that day, with only his toothbrush and medications. He left everything else here behind and has not called me or come back since. It seems odd to me that he's not wanting any of his stuff although I know some of that is his disease, but I almost feel like his will to live is fading. I did speak to him every other day when he first went back to his house, because I called him to see how he was doing....not only with the drinking, but with my rejection of his drinking as well and the pain I caused him when he realized how I felt and we'd prob never live together again. I didn't say things to him very nicely, either, as I had been up most of the night before because he was drunk, so I yelled at him and said ugly things. He also hasn't called me in the last five days, since his parents found him passed out at home and took him to their farm. In my heart, I think this separation and not talking much is what we need right now. However, he hasn't done his taxes and everything he needs in the way of paperwork and Turbo Tax with tax history from previous years is here on MY computer. The separation is good because I have to get stronger and hopefully, he will, too.
P.S. - I've read many many posts here on this wonderful site and they confirm so many of my feelings, fears and hopes, while making me realize I am NOT alone. I was surprised and will soon learn the answer to this question at mtgs, but for now, my question is.....I know those of us with A in our lives are sick as well. I know we have to try to recover from co-dependecy and much more. I continually see posts mentioning that al anon is not just for a year or two, but something needed for LIFE for many of us. I am not opposed to that concept, either, but was still somewhat surprised. So the burning question is....when I read that many left al anon and have learned to come back to it time and again because they need it permanently, are most of you doing so because you're still living with an A who relapses, or still living with a recovering A and want to stay on top of things, or are those of you who no longer have a drinker in your life and have moved on to healthier relationships still going to al anon as well? I would love to hear from everyone, including those who have moved on and no longer have A anywhere in their lives.
You can burn all that tax info onto a disc and hand it to him or mail it to him. Its good he is with his parents.
Please get to face to face meetings asap- you will find a lot of relief so go now, do not wait- what are you waiting for, I wonder?!
I no longer live with active alcoholism (THANK GOD and HALLELUJAH) and I keep attending al anon because just like the alcoholic has a DRINKING problem, I have a THINKING problem, a distorted thinking problem and its a disease just like alcoholism is. I have been deeply affected by this disease and I need a recovery program just for ME, for the rest of my life. I LOVE al anon and would not ever stray from it- I ENJOY the people in my home groups- they ARE my family. They know me, the real me and they love me unconditionally no matter how I show up- crabby, resentful, angry, happy, cool, quiet, etc. Al anon is not a drag for me to attend, its a joy and a pleasure and an honor. I love to go to as many meetings as I can.
I can honestly say that a good percentage of the time (generally speaking) I am Joyous, Happy and Free and its because of this program. I like being this way. Its not fake and its not for pretend. Its for real and I am so lucky. I am such a grateful member of this incredible program. Sure I have lousy days, even a lousy week but I used to have horrifying YEARS- WAAAY beyond lousy. My life now is a huge improvement.
I got busy (on myself) and I got better. And considering how many years I was totally lost and messed up, its been relatively speedy- going on 4 years and I am doing pretty good these days but I have much to learn yet.
Keep coming back and watch the miracles walk right into your life. Its a promise- it really works if you really work it (and KEEP WORKING IT). Hugs, J.
my ex a is still living with me but its fine because I have learned not to react to all because of this board, like your story I know he will be going back to a dump at some stage because it will cave in some way, you have done your best and it is a progressive disease, so take it easy on yourself
Well, as I said I made him leave here a few weeks ago and told him he can't be in my home and drink AT ALL. He's been with his parents the last week and called this morning and asked if he could do his taxes here, then he planned to pick up his meds at the local pharmacy and go back to his parents house an hour away. All his financial/tax papers have been here for the last year, so when he arrived, he said the pharmacy was closed because it's Easter and he's planning to spend the night here, do taxes, pick up meds in the morning, then head back to his parents. He's stone cold sober, so I told him ok. It feels weird, and we'll see if he sleeps tonight. He hasn't had a drink that we know of since 5 days ago when he blacked out and his family came to get him at his house. I think he means what he says and will leave tomorrow. If not, I'll tell him he needs to but I don't think he particularly wants to be here longer than that. I don't see a change in his attitude, except he mentioned his going the God route for extra help this time. But he won't go to detox or reach out to AA, etc. Not a good sign.
