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I'm just wondering how many of you drink even though you are dealing with an alcoholic in your life?
I'll admit that I enjoy wine. But I'm the type of person who likes to be relaxed to enjoy a glass or two of wine. These past few weeks have been so stressful, that the thought of having a glass has not been appealing at all, so I haven't even bothered.
Last night, my sister-in-law who is visiting went out to buy herself some beer (since AH was out of the house in rehab). We both had a rough few days, so I decided to have some wine (2 glasses). But I couldn't help feel like a hypocrit. She said that I shouldn't feel that way because I'm not the one with the problem.
Obviously when my husband gets out of rehab I won't be drinking in front of him. So I guess I'm just wondering if anyone else here drinks?
I do drink sometimes but being raised in a acoa home - I learned to get drunk to excess & not really how to do it in a "responsible way". As an adult I am learning that I can have fun w/out being drunk. I can have one glass of wine & walk away, in the past that has not been my tendency. But, I do hope to move on in my life & have kids one day, so I am drinking less & less... as obviously I will have to obstain completely.
I did have a lot of guilt at first about drinking around any A's. The truth of the matter is, we are all adults & they will drink in spite of us. I once stopped drinking a few years ago for several months -- when I was back new to al-anon. I was trying to be a "good example" for my step-dad b/c he "said" he was not drinking. But you're damned if you do & damned if you don't when a struggling A is around. They resent us being able to have a few glasses & stopping. (They all wish they could drink like most other, normal people). If you abstain all together, they resent us for being able to stop so easily. Or maybe that was just my experience b/c my step-dad (& exAH) resented me no mattter what I did.
I got focused on *just me* and let them have their negative feelings about me -- nothing I can do to change them anyway.
Twenty years ago, my freind who is an addict, once said ' "if u feel guilty or bad b/c I can't party now - that is b/c u dont have the disease. If u did, u wouldnt care about my feelings at all. " '
The A will drink or not drink. That is their decision and we aren't responsible for their actions, only our own. If they blame us, they arent taking responsiblity for themselves & it doesnt fly anymore, today I only accept responsibility for myself and that is what I'm doing.
-- Edited by kitty on Saturday 11th of April 2009 11:04:40 AM
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
One of the things I can now enjoy is a few glasses of wine if I fancy them, meet with friends without wondering what my AH is doing or inviting him along so I can see what hes doing, which would lead to him going out of control, insisting we stay out when I didnt want to and us ending up doing battle! Its lovely to have wine in the house, a glass to enjoy in the evening without "come on lets just go to the pub" and more battles because I didnt want to go out. I dont have to look over my shoulder, I can do what I like. I dont have a problem with alcohol, I can have a glass or two then a cup of tea and to bed...he had to keep going once he started and you were a party pooper, dull, boring etc if you didnt join in with him. So then he would go out and there would be more rows as he would stand there and say im going out whatever you do!! Its lovely not to have some ranting drunk coming home, talking rubbish then the following day him lying there all self pitying and refusing to talk about it. Do I miss any of that, no, and my social life has picked up no end....I never feel like a hypocrit for enjoying a drink, I can...
In the past I would drink a few because it would be less for my A to drink...
Since I started coming to Alanon I have quit doing that. i will have a drink once in a great while, but nothing more. Some days I just feel so disgusted by alcohol and feel it should be illegal like it was once before!
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"Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip." Will Rogers
Booze and I don't get along at all , either watching someone else drink it or me drinking , I have had enough . Our sons out of respect for thier dads sobriety do not drink in front of him at all and he has been sober 20 yrs now . I think its entirely up to the individual abour thier drinking we are not the ones with the problem sooooooooooo what ever your comfy with . Alot of my friends still drink when out for supper just the girls and not with the alcoholic partner . so it's just a personal choice .
I could never have control over it no matter how hard I tried so I stopped trying and am okay withnot drinking at all. I am allergic while at the same time tolerant which leads to no control over the process and several toxic shock (overdoses) events in the past. Today I am a grateful member of the Al-Anon Family Groups World-Wide who wishes never to drink again. To help me accomplish that I am also a member of AA.
I'm really glad you posted this, because I was always afraid of what the reaction would be if I admitted that I drink with an AH. (well, not *with* him, but living w/ that in my life). I too drink, wine, and an occasional rum & coke. The rum never in his presence, the wine occasionally if we go out for a meal, or a friends' houses. On weekends at home I will have maybe 8-10 oz of wine. My life is too hectic to drink much during the week - I'm better focused w/out it.
BUT...Here's a corollary question...
DOES ANYONE DRINK AT HOME AND HIDE IT FROM THEIR A-S/O?
Do you ever come home so stressed from work that you really want a glass of wine, and yet you want to 'set a good example' and not drink in front of the A-person?
I admit, that I do this. While lives do not depend upon me at work, it can be extremely stressful and exhausting. 4 oz of wine helps me through the evening while I cook and clean up around the AH.
DOES ANYONE DRINK AT HOME AND HIDE IT FROM THEIR A-S/O?
Seems to me that raises alot of questions about the non-A's personal recovery. For me, it would mean that I was still living in denial and not reality; that I was still putting his concerns before my own desires; that I was willing to live a lie instead of risking conflict or unease. When he was drinking, life with my A was all about lies, deception, guilt and shame. Why would I behave in such a way as to continue that pattern? For me, continuing in a relationship with my now-sober AH is all about rigorous honesty and trust and I know that for him, he has to live that way in order to stay sober.
I chose to stop drinking all together about 3 years ago--not because my AH got sober, but because I realized after he did, that it was a problem for me. I had been using alcohol to avoid dealing with emotions and situations, to numb the pain caused by his drinking and acting out, etc. So I stopped. For me.
Even if I had not stopped drinking, I had already decided that I would not drink in front of my AH out of respect for his recovery, even though he said that he didn't care if I did or not.
Interestingly, he doesn't care if there is alcohol in the house or not, while I am adament--no alcohol. I think that I realized, the longer he (and I) were both sober, that all alcohol had done (at least for the last 4 years) was play a role in all of the pain that I had suffered so why would I want that influence in my home?
I think that drinking by the Al-Anon is a personal choice. But I also believe that living a life of honesty and integrity is essential to true recovery. And, I don't think that that is consistent with continuing to drink, but lying about it.
Yours in recovery,
SLS
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Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
I took my last drink when my 8-year-old was about six months old. I had half a beer and felt sick as a dog. As my AH's drinking got worse, the last thing I wanted to do was drink - he, and as a result my home, almost always reeked of it. But I don't think I stopped because of him, I stopped because I couldn't stomach the thought of taking a drink.
Aside from that, my children have only seen their dad drink irresponsibly and think that anyone who drinks is going to get drunk. I've talked to them about others in the family who can have a drink or two and walk away, done, sober and fine. But I'm pretty sure they would freak out if they thougth I was drinking anything other than Diet Coke:)
I have a brother who has been sober for 20 years. He felt the need to test himself, apparently and actually found a part-time 2nd job working in a liquor store to prove to himself that he wouldn't drink. He's the one who will stop and pick up a bottle of wine or a six pack for their wife or if they have company over.
Everybody's different - it's just a personal choice. For me it goes back to the three C's - you can't cause it, cure it or control it.
Our fondest request is no alchol by our guest. It is not allowed in our home. And my husband is at work 1/2 the year and I still don't have it in my home.
Now on the other hand, do I drink? I LOVE A MARGIRITTA. I would like to fine a good wine to have with a meal, but just havent'. So blackberry tea is good enough for me. As far as the margiritta, it gives me such a head ache and sleepless night, even just one, that it is not worth it for me.
I made a decision to never have alcohol in the house Also,out of respect for my AH who is sober now for a number of months, I wil not drink any alcohol in front of him. He says it would be fine, but I don't think it would be fair of me.
HOWEVER, if I'm out with friends and he is not there I will still have a glass or two of wine, or a Margarita at a Mexican restaurant.
I don't hide any of that from my AH, I just choose not to do it in front of him. Mostly, I don't even want it. After everything we've been through, the desire for alcohol is not that great!
I can't respond to this question from an Alanon perspective. Because I am an alcoholic, the question of whether or not I can have a drink is moot. I don't really grasp the idea of having a drink and walking away.
However, from the alcoholic point of view - in early recovery I did not hang around people drinking. Fortunately nobody in my household drank - at least not at home - but me. My daughter was 16 at the time and did her partying elsewhere. I don't know what it would be like trying to stay sober in a house where other people were drinking - especially if they were active alcoholics. I am grateful I didn't have to go through my early sobriety under those conditions.
Being around people drinking today does not bother me. Being around drunks, that's another story. I have friends I get together with, and we sit in hotel lounges and they drink their Sam Adams and Corona and whatever, and I don't feel threatened or resentful. But... I would not want to live with someone who drinks - or at least anyone who keeps it around.
My upcoming wedding will have no alcohol served at the reception. The facility told us there's no extra charge for beer - it's cheaper than soda for them, since it's on draft. But I decided that if not for my sobriety, there would be no wedding - and no life today. It's my wedding - no alcohol. Some people who will be attending do like to drink. I suspect they will leave early.
Hubby always said that I could drink in front of him. After all he had the problem, I didn't. I was never comfortable with that. Out of respect for him I choose not to drink at home. If friends and I went out for dinner, I might have a glass of wine. If he went to visit his kids for a week or 2, I might but a bottle. Half the time, I would have a glass or two and then throw the rest out. I also never kept any kind of mouthwash that contained alcolhol in them. (Addicts will drink them.) There are plenty out there that have none and still get the job done.
Some of my younger colleagues at work want to take me out and get me drunk! NOT GONNA HAPPEN. I appreciate their offer, but I am far too old to do that. Plus I hate the morning after. It is so not worth it.
I am not a big drinker. Never have been. Even now that my beloved Tim is gone, I'm still not. I don't see anything wrong if you feel like having a glass of wine. You're an adult. It's your choice. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
For me, alcohol is a drug, it dulls my senses, I am no longer able to feel reality.
If I don't want to feel reality, I need to get with HP fast!
It is important for me to not point the finger at my A, if I am guilty of doing the same. I believe he drank to stop feeling his anxiety and fear. Since I have not conquered my anxiety and fear, I am not comfortable having a drink. I'd rather meditate. This program is teaching me to live life on the spiritual plane, in mindfulness.
I am also ACOA. Chances of me becoming alcoholic are very high. I don't want to risk it.
-- Edited by glad lee on Sunday 12th of April 2009 12:57:48 PM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
I do occasionally - very rarely any more with my AH. I don't like being the slightest bit out of control of myself when I'm around him. I guess it boils down to I will have a drink or 2 when I feel like I'm in an emotionally safe environment - with friends, away from AH. While I don't lie about doing this, I also don't offer up the information either if I don't have to.
Yes, I take a drink but am very mindful of it especially with the experiences of a's. In my youth and early career days, I do not think I had any respect for drink and it got me into difficulties, I certainly know what damage it can do and if I'm stressed, I don't drink as I read an article by a man who started drinking to take the edge of the day and it got earlier and earlier, so that was my story at one time so I nipped that one in the bud.
I'm so glad somone posted this. I was thinking about it today. My A has been sober 4 months. I know it's a struggle for him and I just appreciate his efforts, although I'm classic co-dependent and always think he could be doing MORE instead of just being happy he hasn't had a drink.
Maybe it's because I know how emotionally broken he really is.
That said, I have wanted to have a drink. We have alcohol in my house, but I too, have been sober 4 months. I think the big difference between us is I could stop at one drink and he couldn't. BUT I think, how does that make me any less of a drunk? I only drank to feel "relaxed" - I drank because it was social, I drank because it made me feel a different way and what I realized is, that is a problem. It's a problem that I need even ONE drink to feel relaxed, or avoid my problems and anxiety.
We used to sit and drink together and I knew it was somewhat problematic, only I didn't realize how bad as we were "high functioning" - BUT really what does that mean? YEA, we never got a DWI, or missed work, etc, but we had to drink to escape the stress of our lives and our shame in ourselves for drinking to avoid. We drank to avoid feelings, fears, anxiety, shame, and so much more.
So, I haven't drank in 4 months. Today was the test. It's pretty funny how much I never realized everyone in my lives except my parents drank. I spent Easter getting razzed by my cousins for drinking water and it bothered me slightly, but I feel great right now. I never realized how bad my family is. I DON'T want my kids raised in a way they think this is "normal" because I was raised this way even though my parents didn't drink. My entire first tier of family DOES, and I drank right along with them.
So yes. I feel hypocritical drinking in front of my A, but I also know how hard this is for him and I think I slightly feel more comfortable in my own skin than him so he needed that drink to feel social. Now we've removed the drink and he's uncomfortable.
If I went out with my girlfriends, I'm not sure if I would or would not drink. My A has freely said I can. I think he just "says" it though and hopes I stay sober with him. He needs a friend and I am his only one right now. I hope he finds others, but until that time, I don't miss it and realized how much I relied on it.
I drink. If I am with my AHSober (who has been sober for 25 years) I ask him if he minds if I drink. He never has objected. However, my family of origin has nailed me to the wall saying that I am a hypocrit going to Alanon and drinking. I do ponder about how important is drinking to me.
When I was with the A I rarely drank and never with him, now that I'm single (well actually in a relationship with a guy who doesn't drink at all) I drink fairly regularly. My drinking is very dependent on where I am (I sing karaoke a lot and it's at bars so I usually drink while there) who I'm with (if I'm driving or not...are the people I'm with drinking?) and what I'm doing. I think I can say I drink when it's appropriate and on occasion I have a few too many and usually I feel that I'm making up for all the time I couldn't drink (with two a's in a row it was almost 15 years). I think it's possible to believe in the principles of alanon and still drink. If I'm not an alcoholic and I don't live with one I don't really see a problem there.
I'm not a big drinker. I used to be many years ago but with alcoholism on both sides of my family I saw a pattern in myself that I didn't like and smartened up. With 3 kids I don't have much time for anything. There are times I would like a drink at home but I don't keep any hard liquor in the house or the A would drink it before I had a chance. If I feel like a drink sometime I go to the store and but some Twisted Limes but It's very rare for me. I do hesitate because of the A and feel It's not fair to me because I don't have a problem. Holly
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You never know how strong you are until being strong is your only choice.
I cant help feeling looking at this post that in the main, people who are still with their A's feel that alcohol is bad, they shouldnt drink, its wrong...what happened to the handing them over to their HP's, it looks like fear to me, I did it all when I was with mine, hiding drink, not keeping it in the house, feeling guilty if I had a glass of wine when he wasnt drinking including our anniversary, but be assured, once he decided to drink, my sensibilities, concerns, everything went out of the window, in fact F...her!!!So I do ask the question, why the concern about having a drink, as I said in my post, I can,I can have a drink, stop, have nothing for a week or more, or less, it just doesnt matter...I can have a bottle of wine in the house unopened until I have a guest to share it with...We are not the A's. Its interesting that these posts suggest that we are....maybe i read it wrong but there seems to be alot of negativity, which i understand because of their behaviour, but why replicate it as if we are scared we will become one, im 49, enjoyed alcohol all my life and am still very happy with the certain knowledge I am not one......Hope this doesnt offend anyone.Lillyxx
It is so not worth it. 
