The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Gee, this is getting deeper the further I go into recovery. Initially it was easy but now the mirror has turned on me. It's scary as I am alone now and dealing with myself. I want to contact my AH and get inside his head. With out him to react to and hassle all the time I am having to deal with myself. I have to face my feelings alone and deal with them. Never realised how bad I was now there is no one to blame for my behaviour. I really don't know how to be a "me". I've always been a "me and him". I've been hooked on a person who is hooked on a chemical, who is deluded and thus so am I. Yesterday was just awful I felt truly insane and spiralling out of control... Then I thought, "Well this is today. But perhaps tomorrow will be better. I will be one more day away from the alcoholic taking it one day at a time." Thank God for this program where I can seek serenity. Can't wait for my Step Meeting. Ugh. It's step FOUR! I am living that step this week. I don't like what I see. At last I am getting a glimpse of the depths of this program and now there is hope that I can truly change. Thanks guys. silverb.
Step 4 is never easy. I asked my sponsor once if I could skip that step! She looked at me like I was crazy. I was! Just be gentle on yourself. This is a journey of self exploration, healing and recovery. You may not like what you see, but that's how we grow. You're a good person. Keep that in mind.
I just finished my Courage to Change II daily reading for April 9. It's on detachment and self love. Read it if you get the chance. If you don't have it, PM me and I'll send it to you.
One of the things that helped me when I separated from my A for a while was to realize what a serene place my house had become. I loved my Tim dearly, but I didn't love the chaos that we were living in. Remember what it was like when you were living with your A. So enjoy your knew found serenity. It's a lovely feeling.
You made a very good point about being addicted to the A. We all are. That's why we come here. If the A is our "drug" then learning to live without them is just like withdrawing from alcohol. All those feelings and behaviors that were associated with it are suddenly gone. It is wierd to say the least. But we do recover. Enjoy the journey. Love and blessings to you.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Thank you so much for your share SilverB. I too had that great awakening and it is very powerful.
The tools of focusing on ourselves and living one day at a time enabled me to find "me". I had hidden myself for so long that it was a bit scary to find myself.
I too found Hope because I could finally "see", my part and alanon gave me the tools to live life on life's terms not mine.
I totally relate to wondering why this had to happen to me. Almost shocking for me to learn that I played a part. But, shame does not help, it hurts. The steps preceding step 4 help me remember that my HP loves me, warts and all.
Working this step, I think we almost have to detach a little from OURSELVES. Step back and take a more peripheral view. Our human nature has some flaws, but we also have that spiritual nature that is all Good. We are both.
Step 4 is a great tool to guide me on a smoother path. If I don't see how I contribute to my own misery, I remain stuck, wondering yet again... why does this have to happen to me?
Remember, BLAME without M-E, is just BLA, BLA, BLA.
LOL
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
I am right where you are. I was "diagnosed" as a Love Addict to a Love Avoidant. My AHSober has not drank in over 20 years. He left 4 years ago (therefore he is an avoidant). He has been my obsession before he left and always in my head since. I am slow to realizing my part in all of this. It is easier for me to play the role of the victim (he left me). There are books on the issue. I struggle with it daily. I try to not have much contact with him. I try to take care of myself. I look to my HP for solace, serenity and guidance.
I chose a wonderful sponsor who has the same beliefs I do. I didn't know it when I asked her to be my sponsor, I just got real lucky.
Her words to me were something like: Step 4 is not scary if you view it as a discovery. It can be a discovery of the difference between mind and spirit and who you really are..
What that means is our mind and spirit are two different things. People walk through life thinking that their mind is ultimately in control of everything. We mistakenly give our mind this honor because we believe everything it says. She called that "living in the dead zone". The awakening comes when we quit listening to the mind and listen to our spirit (the soul, God energy, HP) that lives within. It is then we can discover who we really are.
By making the distinction between the two, I could more easily see cause and effect and see that my thoughts and actions are not who "I" am.. I still accepted responsibility but it was almost like seeing it from a 3rd party view. On one side is the mind with it's all it's false concepts. On another side there is the spirit, which I ignored as the core of who I am. The mind was so dominant that the soul didn't have a chance to express itself. Then there was the different me. The person that could see what had happened, how it had happened and the ability to forgive "that other self" and move on without being stuck in the past. What a load off!! I didn't need to spend years trying to figure out why this or why that and carry old baggage. I could pack all that old stuff up and start brand new! I ditched the stinkin thinkin and I try to "be the change". We can always start over.
From there I got in to books that went more in depth in explaining mind/soul differences. For me there is a vast difference between ego/mind based thought and spirit based thought. It's made a huge change, not only in how I live my life but in my thought process. My old way of thinking (from the mind/ego) would be ready for battle with defenses in high alert mode and ready to attack the person or myself. Living from spirit has given me the ability to be compassionate or say "whatever!" and let things go, depending on the circumstance. I can still slip back in to "the dead zone" but now I can see it and change it. Sometimes my first thought reaction is "screw you!". Then I choose to think from spirit and think "bless you".
*take what you like and leave the rest
Have a wonderful journey, Christy
-- Edited by Christy on Thursday 9th of April 2009 09:52:44 AM
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I am in a similar place. Its not easy but this is why we need our program and have it near. All these wonderful people who know what its like and are working on it all right along side of you. Like me, and so many others.
This is the gift of being alone, for me- to see my part without any distractions. This is a massively tremendous gift from HP although its really hard and there are many days when I am so tired and exhausted. But these are the days I surrender the best/most!! HA! just like HP wants...
((SB)) I wan to thank you for taking the courage to be so honest. I think you can tell that we've all been there. There's a saying in AA that "I judge myself by my intentions, but others judge me by my actions." I think that's what you want to do--and I admire your desire to be empathetic. I really do. It's ok to want that--but in the meantime, keep working your program. Keep working to improve your life. Maybe one day you'll gain insight into his intentions. Maybe not. But as you take care of you, you'll gain fufillment.
I had an enormously hard time for the first year in missing the A. He was the center of my life. Do not feel alone with this and stop beating yourself up.
