The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Just as I didn't know exactly what to not do at my first few meetings...I have gone and done a not to do again by stepping too fast before I read all the materials!
This post is to replace the post I accidently replied to on a sticky post. I hereby give the moderator liberty to delete my mistake in the sticky thread and ask for his/her forgiveness for my stepping too fast!
If only the rest of life's mistakes were as simple to correct
as the click of a delete button.
..I'd be a delete~queen.
Thanks for your patience with this newcomer, she is grateful.
I sent out a SOS today and experienced a touch of Divine Intervention.
Perhaps this could serve to be an example of what happens when someone practices the saying: "Let Go and Let God"?
I couldn't sleep the entire night. I went to my doctors for a scheduled appt. and on my way home prayed for my Higher Power to please help me deal with my son's problem today. The weight is extra heavy today in that I don't want to rescue my son. I find that I continue to get in God's way of helping my son help himself. I know my son is responsible for his own life and the consequences of what ever seeds he may sow.
Knowing there would be no day time meeting in my area, I was developing anxiety, feeling out of control, and needing support. My needs weren't caring what time of the day it was and demanding attention asap. My prayers to God were that He would send a troop of angels to help me fight back or at least strengthen me by giving me Alalon reading materials so I could better understand this disease that was destroying and affecting my life. When I arrived home, I began searching on-line to see if I could find some Alanon materials to read to get me through the day until the 8:00 p.m. meeting tonight!
I went to the world organization site at first but didn't find what I really needed so I googled again for the Alanon family group. I clicked on the Miracles in Progress Alanon. I discovered there was on-line meetings and a message board. I began to browse around.. and dropped in the chat room at around 11:00 a.m. Surprized to see anyone remaining in chat, I felt like I had interrupted something. I sat quietly only a few seconds before I was welcomed, and told how to sign in.
Everyone continued chatting, being friendly. I couldn't believe they were having discussions about their progress/situations/sharing, and I cautiously typed "Is it okay to chat in here and talk like this?". They took a minute of time to explain to me: "It's okay to chat after the meeting. We are finished with our 9:00 a.m. group meeting." I felt at ease and decided not to leave. I observed a little while, then jumped right in and began to get support.
Divine intervention for me was finding someone to talk with and help me walk back/talk myself back into stepping. It was incredibly healing and strengthening for me to chat with my morning sent angels, Edna and Kitty_of _Light.
I thank God for sending these two wonderful souls my way today or sending me their way. They shared words of encouragement, detachment tips, and how to stay strong and not submit to the manipulations of the A.
With my never having experienced what talking with a sponsor would be like, I can only imagine this to be the next best thing to having a sponsor. I don't have a sponsor yet. I've not found anyone to ask to be my sponsor yet, and since I've only attended 3 meetings, I had very been afraid to ask someone to be my sponsor. I know so little and am so new to the program, I don't even know how many meetings I'm suppose to go to before I can be allowed to ask for a sponsor.
This brings me back to WHAT TO EXPECT AT YOUR FIRST AL-ANON MEETING article.
First, thank you for writing the article. I wished this had of been around 2 weeks ago. Awesome job of explaining what to expect! My first and second meetings were wonderful, encouraging and I was overjoyed. I had abadexperience at my 3rd meeting. This particular meeting had 3 other newcomers and as result some cross-talk began simply because "we didn't know any better".
the herstory, my story...instead of the "I" statements.
When I took a turn, bear in mind I was newcomer # 4. I said "Hi I'm Pam. I'd like to say thanks for there just being a group called Alanon. I am so happy to find such a wonderful resource for support. Wish I had of discovered it a long time ago as there is no telling where I'd be today. I like it all so much and don't know what to expect since all the meetings are different. I was wondering...is it okay if I go to different groups for a couple of months until I find a place to settle or find what fits."
This lady sitting directly across from me may have been having a bad day (or she was tired of the newcomers speaking out) as she abruptly interrupted me when I paused briefly to go onto my statements, and said: "Someone will speak with you after the meeting." I felt like the alanon police had given me a talking ticket.
Being taken off-guard by her abrupt reply I felt the joy I was sharing for Alanon in my heart take a huge nose-dive. An obvious quiet and stillness came over the room. Feeling this hush made me feel uncomfortable so I quickly replied: "Oh my goodness - I am sooooo sorry! I didn't realize now wasn't the time to ask for someone to help me with this part as this is only my 3rd meeting and I am trying to learn the ropes." I wasn't sorry on the inside of me but I also wanted to act respectful in this group setting and said no more during the remainder of the group.
Immediately following the end of the meeting this same lady walked up to me while I was looking through the pamphlets and resources. I was specifically looking for something about what to expect as well as what should you do or say at your first meeting. I realized she had walked up to me and I stopped looking through the resources and gave her my attention. She asked me: "Hasn't anyone ever said anything to you about cross-talk before now?" I said, "No, they haven't. I'm new and have only attend two other meetings. What is cross-talk?" She answered me with another question: "Didn't you get a newcomer's packet at your first meeting?" I said "Yes I did, and if the topic : cross-talk was in the packet, I didn't see anything about it. What is cross-talk?" She said to me: "You are to use only "I" statements and do not say things like 'Your story is like mine.' You and several others used these far too many times today and you are not allowed to do this."
To be honest, I was still feeling a little hurt and down-hearted from her comment directed to me during group. I replied in a rather still rather pouting mood: "I appreciate your coming to me now and explaining what cross-talk is until I find myself in a more calm, collected, and not so over-whelmed state of mind. Information overload might have caused me to take detours but it's never stopped me before. Let the healing begin." She replied, "Keep coming back!" I replied, determined: "Thanks, I will." She then turned away from me and walked out the door as I called out to her "I hope you have a nice afternoon, see you next week!"
Thanks again to Edna and Kitty_of_light for being in chat today at just the right time.
Thanks to Gran for writing the article and giving me this opportunity to share a newcomer's apprehensions.
I"m looking forward to browsing the message board. I will keep coming back!
And...last but not least, I will keep going to the face to face meetings because I know they work. I'll be going to one tonight at 8:00 with a speaker that I'm looking foward to.
Hope you all have a very blessed evening!
gardenfairy :angel:
__________________
__________________
Peace, love and understanding - today, tomorrow and always
I am so glad you visited the chat room and received the warm welcome we have al experienced at tme of crisis.
I am sorry for your experience at the last meeting, and am glad it did not turn you offf alanon meetings. No Cross talk simply means that we do not directly comment on any one elses share. We focus on ourselves and share what is in our minds and hearts.
I know it sounds confusing but ususally the cross talk announcement is read at the beginning of the meeting. There are no alanon police- we are a fellowship of equals and newcomers bring quite a bit to the table.
Loved your share here and am looking forward to hearing more of your ESH
Yours in Recovery
-- Edited by hotrod on Wednesday 8th of April 2009 07:46:01 PM
Im glad you posted this. I have been going to Alanon for several months and I did not know that we are not to comment on people's share. Actually I sort of thought that was the point ... to reflect on how you can understand how each other feel having had similar experiences yourself...indicating "you are not alone" "there is not something wrong with you"... I always understood crosstalk to mean, no interupting, or no "you should have done this instead..." I have said in my shares, "this happened to me.....which really relates to what so and so was saying, because...."
I'd love some further perspective and insight on this. No one has said anything to me yet, but I don't want to be "breaking the rules" unknowingly.
Rora - I'm with you here. To me the whole point of sharing is to put our own experience, strength and hope out there. Without feedback from other members - such as "I totally relate to your share" or "Our situations are similar - here's what I did, take what you like and leave the rest" or "I really understand what you meant when you said ...." sharing seems kind of pointless.
Cross talk to me means interrupting while someone else is sharing or speaking out of turn. Period. If someone shares something that rings a bell with me or illuminates something, I feel I need to acknowledge that. Doing this further validates our feelings, in my opinion.
Pam - I'm so glad you found us and got to spend some quality time with Edna and Kitty in the chat room. Both of those ladies have really helped me over the past several months - their warmth and compassion really shines through. This is a great site and it is my lifeline between f2f meetings. Keep coming back!
welcome ((((((((garden fairy))))))))), glad you've found us.
"you're not allowed" is a little harsh - maybe she was having a bad day. We do try to refrain from commenting on another's share because it can mess with the safe feeling of sharing whatever we need to. In other words, if we say "i know what you mean", and proceed to share our own experience in a similar situation, if our experience happens NOT to mesh with what the original person is feeling, they can feel they are somehow "wrong", and we want people to feel safe to share anything without worrying about whether it's "right".
Having said that, there is nothing wrong, when we are called on in our turn, with LEAVING OFF the "I know what you mean" line, and going ahead with the " One time xxx happened, and I felt yyyyzzzzz and I ended up doing qqqq" part.
The original speaker identifies with whatever they identify with, without having identification thrust upon them. Does this make sense? Crosstalk is one of the things that's pretty confusing at the beginning, because what's generally accepted "out there" in our culture and society as supportive is often this mysterious "crosstalk" in alanon. I'm sorry the person at your meeting wasn't able to share on crosstalk, in her turn, with "I" statements - it's one of the things that will get clearer as you go to more meetings. Just to make things more confusing, meetings can have varying definitions of crosstalk - I have heard of meetings that even consider head-nodding to be crosstalk (aack!!!), and one of my f2f is a smallish meeting where a little crosstalk seems natural just because the meeting is small. Kind of like a combination regular/beginner meeting - it was a real blessing to me to find a beginner meeting where I could raise my hand and ask questions and say, "I don't GET that!!!"
You don't say if you ever got an answer to your multiple meetings question - yes indeed, please do try other meetings, because each one kinda has its own flavor, and not every meeting is right for every individual. You may find that the one you started with is the right one for you after all, or you may find another you like better. That's up to you. Wherever it is, I hope you keep coming back!
Garden Fairy; I can truly relate. First time I attended Al-Anon meeting was about 18 months ago. My second meeting, I accidentially crossed talked, not knowing that I was "cross talking". Well, the lady that was leading the meeting, dressed me down in front of the entire group.
It is rare that I even open my mouth to speak. I rather just "blend into the walls" and not even be noticed. Well, she blew my cover!!!. I stayed away from Al-Anon for about 15 months, until my world just crumbled. Even today, I think twice about speaking in the meetings.
I feel that the lady should have taken me aside and told me about "cross talking". I am attending the same al-anon group as the one I abandoned. She is still in the group and I have absolutely no respect for her. I felt she had no class in addressing me, as a new comer in front of everyone.
So, I can relate to your feelings.
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Clara
------------------------------------ What don't kill you, makes you stronger!!!
Thanks for mentioning me, I'm glad I was there & happy you found this wonderful group/forum. It has been a life saver for me that I've held onto for dear life!
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I am compelled to say again many sincere heartfelt thanks to the MIP Pioneers for their vision and their collaborative efforts and participation to create this on-line Alanon family group.
Thank you all for your feedback. Some of us share a quality of determination as I find it interesting that some of you have had a bad experience but overcame this obstacle because you also were determined to help yourself! Your replies boost my spirit.
I will continue to go to face to face family group meetings but I would like to note it was this online community group, MIP, that touched my heart in the biggest way and has given my heart a song of joy.
God is love. You, you, and you reading this are love.
Thank you for being here.
Blessings for stepping yourself into a happy and healthy day!
gardenfairy
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Peace, love and understanding - today, tomorrow and always
gardenfairy